Wednesday, April 9, 2014
This morning I woke up hating him. I stood under the shower with the hot water rushing over me wishing it could wash away all these feelings of 'unfair'.
I remember his face twisted in hate before he slammed another door "I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE!' he shouted.
I remember when he told me, his lip curling in distaste; "you know, you just have NOTHING LEFT in you."
These random little memories of the past month are like sucker punches, and each time I stagger, literally, under the weight of them, putting my hand out for the wall.
Amidst the splashing shower and droning hum of the exhaust fan I thought and thought of my last fourteen years as his partner. I could not think of one thing, one offense so great as to deserve this. I've stuck by him. Defended him, put his needs before my own and loved him with all my heart. What is my reward? Hate.
Well thanks so much.
Our psychologist and our doctor both tell me that it's the illness. It's not him - it's a malfunction as structural as a broken limb. You wouldn't blame a broken leg for it's inability to move or support the weight of the body? But a broken leg would not try to break the other leg, or sabotage the functioning of the body.
This sorry business led me to be in the magistrates court this morning in a small packed room full of abused women discussing their AVOs with overworked but sympathetic court Liaison Officers. We were all surreptitiously eying each other wondering, what happened to her?
It was like Jerry Springer's green room before the battered wives show.
This week my (our) psychologist worked on my panic over the future and I have to re-learn all over the art of living in the moment, trusting myself and life to get me through this.
I need now to write down my panicking thoughts of the future, then write the logical rational answers, based in my history based on my knowledge and my faith. It was a good session.
But then I'm dragged to court and asked to make decisions on our future. And based on what? I told them I cant possibly. This is all new. I'm all at sea here. This was as perfect a relationship as you could ask for; based on the most incredible connection and communication - mutual love and respect.
Then a malfunction happens and it's all turned upside down. How am I supposed to know if it will get better? How can I know if there will be permanent residual effects that we wont recover from - need to plan for?
Don't ask me. I haven't a clue.