Saturday, April 5, 2014

Empty

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Momentum has kept me numb, but today I have time to pause. Lilli is downstairs watching her favorite movie, I am in the bedroom trying to watch mine, but feeling the emptiness all around me. In every room in our house I feel the absence and the devastation that now inhabits our home.

I'm wearing pale blue bunny ears I bought for Lilli for the Easter egg hunt tomorrow. She put them on me with one of her impish grins. She's so excited about it but I'm dreading fielding questions about His long stay in Hospital with pneumonia. Already friends are asking uncomfortable questions, genuinely concerned, about the length of his stay and my vague answers.

I walked the dog along the wharf this morning I had a few hours to myself and I thought the harbor would sooth my battered soul.  

The light played on the water, the dog padded along beside me, people smiled and petted him, spoke to me: but all I could think was - what next?
How will I keep a roof over our heads? What work can I find during the short school hours?

How can I still help my little girl with her homework after school, cook her dinner but work enough hours to pay the bills?

The insecurity of our future threatens to push me into panic?

I haven't had certainty for so long, two years with his depression and his constant changing plans. Plans to move somewhere else that might make him happy again. 

Then a brief period where he became happy, the chemical imbalance adjusted. A brief period of joy and energy and love of our life and family. The promise of security and stability. Finally.

It was like listening to sweet music after an endless grinding scraping sound. But then the music gradually  became louder and faster till it was no longer sweet; it was a clamor building into a frightening crescendo. Then madness. Aggression. Loathing.

I see a guy walking some dogs and I think I could do that! Work for myself! Work my own hours!...work in the rain? Work when Lilli's off school sick?

I head back to the car, I have so many things to do while Lilli's on her play date. I am overwhelmed with admin. My phone carrier has overcharged (double), there are appointments and flights to cancel, bills to pay. I just want to hide from it.

At home I open another of his speeding fines- this one from the night he took off at 9pm and came back just before three. This speed camera snapped him  just after I'd called to find out if he was OK. He'd told me he was in the local pub. He clocked up over 100k that night.

I wonder, if he does get well, if he changes back into the madly-in-love-husband again, and we try to make a go of it; will I ever be able to relax properly? After becoming such a convincing liar, will I ever be able to believe him again?

How does that work?


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