This morning it's the latter. Maybe it's low blood sugar.
Maybe it's the frozen bank account.
I tried to pay a bill last night and found that I was blocked from our joint savings account.
He emptied the other one a week ago (albeit into the mortgage), telling me by email that me it was an error, but it seems he hasn't had time to fix that.
Thanks to him and his slimy lawyer, I also have a $1,300 bill to pay for the lawyer I had to engage to deal with his. And a $270 speeding fine he clocked up one of the nights he took off in our car.
We are down to the wire my girl and me. It's school holidays and it's Easter. No chance of me running out and landing a job this week.
Best I can do in the short term is hit EBay. I'm thinking of making some 'Frozen' costumes and selling them online.
So when Lilli woke me early this morning, I started to cry. She hugged me and then rushed downstairs to make me a warm milk. She only heats it for 10 seconds in the microwave, bless her, but I'm glad. She's trying to support and nurture me and I'd rather have tepid milk than her be scalded. When I was on the phone to the bank trying to access the $350 in our Christmas savings fund she brought me grapes and cheese cubes on a skewer "a healthy breakfast for you, mummy", she smiled. The guy on the line from the bank said "Aawwww, how cute."
And she is. She's cute and funny and loving and caring and she's got whopping big doses of empathy coursing through her veins.
I feel horrible crying in front of her, and sometimes my evil self wants to tell her about how her father has turned on me and pulled the rug out from under both of us. Left me thinking of going on welfare till I can find a way to make a living between school run and pickup. But I still protect him, still keep up the facade of Daddy-the-hero. She's way too young for all this ugly stuff going on and I will never rob her of her relationship with her father.
But the doctors say he's getting better. He even told them he wants to reconcile with me -except that he's mad at me about the AVO and the assault charges. Be mad at the police, be mad at the neighbors, if you're honest be mad at yourself - even after what happened I could not have brought charges. The policeman must have seen that in my shocked expression because he immediately told me, "I'm sorry, you don't have a choice in this."
Everyone told me to move the money when I could, empty the bank accounts myself, but you know even after this, I'm glad I didn't. That is not the person I am, I don't steal from my own family even if it's falling apart. Call me a fool, but I'm a better person than that, I will remain true to my own integrity, because if I lower myself to those dirty tactics then I loose my self-respect. Where does courage come from without that? And I need courage. I need to be able to believe in myself.
I will get through this, I will be stronger and totally emotionally and financially independent. I will take good care of my baby and she'll continue being the 'happy child' she's always been.
And he can kiss my arse.