Monday, April 7, 2014

Ticking Bomb

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I kept a diary when things started to get bad. 

When I read those entries now.. well let's just put it this way; with the shock of the past week slowly wearing off - well I guess I probably shouldn't.

22nd May 2014
He has finally started to help Lilli with her homework within half an hour of her being picked up for her lesson. She's still in her pajamas. He used to help out on weekends to give me a break but now his 'devices' take up all of his time and attention.
He bit my head off just before, saying; "It takes ten minutes will You STOP PANICKING." So he sits next to her glued to his iPhone. The work is hard and she's struggling under the time pressure.  Not looking up from his screen he says over and over "just CONCENTRATE, you’re not concentrating!"  When she bursts into tears he puts down his phone and minutes later declares – this stuff is too advanced for her – it’s the teachers fault.

I have been trying SO hard to keep the peace; I'm as subservient as a bloody Geisha sometimes because that’s the only thing that keeps me out of the firing line.
And still, we are back in scary territory; He has been diagnosed by the doctor & psychologist as hypo-manic. (Something he vehemently denies)
The doctor has adjusted his meds but he's become less happy and more argumentative.

Tonight he was awful with Lilli and it was of course all her fault. These days he's always blameless and the poor little thing kept crying and crying. He just didn't get it. I think this is where I have to draw the line- it's too much for Lilli. He said they'd be home at 6 and he had her out till 7:30  That was HER fault of course.

He’d taken her to a gallery opening which we agreed we'd skip because it was too much and he took her out just 45 minutes before her normal dinnertime

He phoned at 6:15 and I told him the babysitter had arrived- he said they were on their way back
Another call at 6:40pm he told me they were at the Gallery opening. He said Lilli was having dinner there
He called again at around 7pm to tell me he's “taking her to Mackers because she's hungry
I’m confused;  “You said she had dinner at the gallery,” and he responds; “oh it was just some corn and she didn't like it”

When he arrived finally at 7:30 she'd eaten her fries but hadn't started her nuggets and he started hustling her upstairs to brush her teeth and get into her PJ's

She doesn't want us to go out and starts crying. She says she's hungry.
He tells her she's fine - she's had enough and “stop fussing!”

I go up with her and she's brushing her teeth her little tear-stained face tells me through the toothbrush in her mouth, "But mummy I'm hungry!"

The sadness and desolation soaks into me like liquid.

I cuddle her and ask her if she like me to get her nuggets - I tell her the tooth fairy would rather she had a full tummy going to bed.

I feed her in the bathroom quick as I can because He’s very agitated - we're late for his friend’s party.
When he’d walked in the door at 7:30 right after greeting the baby sitter - he gave me a nasty look and growled; "couldn’t you take five minutes to get ready? We are an hour and a half late!" 

That was news to me. And it was hardly my fault I'd been entertaining the baby sitter for  90 minutes as per his instructions over the phone.

At least He did acknowledge that he hadn't given me any details on the party or when it started.

He’s become very excessive; always pushing things too far - Lilli was hungry and tired and he was shouting at her over and over to stop.
He told me later - the problem is, she doesn't like the baby sitter, “they just haven't clicked” He states.
Nothing to do with him dragging her all over town at dinner and bed time then showing zero patience with her when she gets upset.

At the party, a small gathering of people we'd never met before, he did a strip tease and jumped into the pool in his underwear. He tried to drag me up dancing and when I resisted he hissed in my ear “You are my wife and I want to dance with you.”

He decided we had to go clubbing, but I am emotionally exhausted from his wild pendulous moods and aggressive argumentative behavior.  Besides that he seems quite drunk- which he often does even when he's sober so its hard to tell. But I can see a bust-up- with bouncers looming & i'm too exhausted to try to keep him under control.

I’m hard at work whenever he’s around trying to manage him and minimize his behavior with Lilli.  
He doesn't listen to me anymore and he doesn't tell me what’s going on,  but he's quick to ream me out if I don't go along with his frequently changing plans

He’s taken our baby-sitter out to a bar!!!  It’s my fault because "I don't know how to have fun anymore".
I keep trying not to think it - but he is behaving exactly like his father during the manic episode that ended up in his being sectioned.  

What do I do? He's convinced he's fine - no actually he’s fantastic it’s me who has a problem

I do have a problem - I just want it all to stop and I don’t think this will end well.

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