Friday, May 30, 2014

Blow Up

I am navigating a mine field.
Just when I thought things might settle into a calmer pattern, I find myself back on the phone at 10pm to the Mental Health Crisis Line.
I've started using the security bolt on the front door again.

Has it only been five days since his first text about dropping the assault charges?

I swear to God, this week has been a life-time long.

Shopping on Tuesday, I'm reduced to hyperventilating and the shakes in IKEA's lighting department...via SMS.  I was so glad to have had a friend with me - she kept me together - distracted me when I needed to be.

He loves his text messages my Husband.
See, now it feels funny me calling him that.
And I've stopped wearing my rings.

So he's been trying to arrange an over-nighter for Lilli and as always - these arrangements that begin with what seems like a benign request and a 'what do you think?' quickly turn nasty.  If he doesn't receive an immediate yes or, as in this case I ask for time to think about it or suggest checking with a professional, it quickly deteriorates into heated texts filled with accusations and emotional blackmail.

Everything has to be on his terms, he's like a spoiled, unpredictable and impulsive child.

A spoiled impulsive unpredictable child who still has too much control over our finances - our lives.

No wonder I'm nervous.

No wonder Lilli found me in the bedroom one morning crying again. 

No, I haven't quarantined funds, he's booked us in with a mediator this week and I'm hoping we can get professional help with all of that.

I'm a bit scared of him. I'm a bit scared of what he'll do. He promises Lilli he'll stay the night in the spare room.
He changes his mind  at 8:45
He changes it back at 9:30pm.

It seems like even his treating doctors of recent times think he's hunky dory - even the ones who commented on his cunning and aptitude for "presenting well'.

I tell Anna, on the Mental Health Crisis Line, everything in detail that's happened and messages sent over the last few days.

I feel so much relief I felt to have a mental health professional really listen to me - to everything.

When I ask if I'm over reacting she tells me 'Hell NO!" She thinks I need stronger reactions. She tells me to “follow my gut” especially for the sake of our daughter.

Anna said it sounds to her that he still doesn’t have any insight and it’s pointless using reason and rationality. Once I get my head around that fact, my frustration will reduce.  I keep trying to feed him logic and rational explanations.

She suggested that his personality may be permanently damaged or he may have developed a personality disorder.

She also said I should recognize that he is being very manipulative.  He knows that my believing what he says is second nature after fourteen years together. He is used to controlling me to an extent, using my kindness and empathy against me.

He was being very manipulative and controlling in his messages but also like two different people; Dr Jekyll and Mister Hyde. 

He tells me he's not going to see her then soon after he'll text to say he has a present for her so he needs to drop by or pick her up.  
He's buying her a lot of presents lately. 
He used to tell me off for buying her stuff without a good reason.
Again I wonder what he's up to.

Damn, just when I was celebrating a rare TFD (text free day) he goes and shoots off two more emails.

And yes, here's another SMS fresh from the oven.

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