Wednesday, May 21, 2014
As I read aloud about the magical fairy ponies with butterfly wings, I'm thinking; I still need to contact my lawyer and I need to clean her school shoes.
I'm also composing a letter to Him in my head to say all the things I'm thinking, feeling, that he's not waiting around to hear.
I've been advised by everyone, to quarantine funds. Even a close friend's mother (in England) says I'd be a fool not to.
So I'm reading and making lists in my head.
Lilli wants two chapters.
I think I need to get started on an email to my lawyer and finish a letter to His Psychiatrist.
I can understand; the end of the second chapter was a cliff hanger as far as Fairy Pony stories goes. I compromise and read half of the third chapter.
I manage to live life, not just go through the motions. I cracked jokes with the builder, about warped wall tiles made in China, as kids tumbled like excited puppies from every doorway in the school. I waved like the other mums with a big smile, that I felt at my core, as my little darling spotted me and her face stretched in a wide enthusiastic grin.
The few friends who know about this tell me I'm doing amazingly. They can't believe how strong I am - how well I'm coping. I can hardly believe it either in a way, but no-one is looking at my fingernails. I can't bear to look at them.
But I have decided now not to be held hostage to His whims, His attempts at control over his life and ours. I have to take charge for Lilli's sake and do what's best for her.
I need to make considered logical decisions about our future and take action.
Pollyanna told me this afternoon if I'm fearful of these decisions I need to ask myself; "What am I afraid of?" take a good hard look at what it is, the possible consequences, and then work from there.
I need to be brave.
I need to stop biting my nails.