Wednesday, May 21, 2014


I'm reading Lilli's bed-time story.
As I read aloud about the magical fairy ponies with butterfly wings, I'm thinking; I still need to contact my lawyer and I need to clean her school shoes.

I'm also composing a letter to Him in my head to say all the things I'm thinking, feeling, that he's not waiting around to hear.

I've been advised by everyone, to quarantine funds. Even a close friend's mother (in England) says I'd be a fool not to.
So I'm reading and making lists in my head.
Lilli wants two chapters.
I think I need to get started on an email to my lawyer and finish a letter to His Psychiatrist.
I can understand; the end of the second chapter was a cliff hanger as far as Fairy Pony stories goes. I compromise and read half of the third chapter.

I manage to live life, not just go through the motions. I cracked jokes with the builder, about warped wall tiles made in China, as kids tumbled like excited puppies from every doorway in the school. I waved like the other mums with a big smile, that I felt at my core, as my little darling spotted me and her face stretched in a wide enthusiastic grin.

The few friends who know about this tell me I'm doing amazingly. They can't believe how strong I am - how well I'm coping.  I can hardly believe it either in a way, but no-one is looking at my fingernails. I can't bear to look at them.

But I have decided now not to be held hostage to His whims, His attempts at control over his life and ours. I have to take charge for Lilli's sake and do what's best for her.

I need to make considered logical decisions about our future and take action.

Pollyanna told me this afternoon if I'm fearful of these decisions I need to ask myself; "What am I afraid of?" take a good hard look at what it is, the possible consequences, and then work from there.

I need to be brave.

I need to stop biting my nails.

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