Monday, May 19, 2014

Decode

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"How can I decide what's right?
When you're clouding up my mind
I can't win your losing fight all the time.
How can I ever own what's mine
When you're always taking sides
But you won't take away my pride
No not this time
Not this time

How did we get here?
Well I used to know you so well
How did we get here?
Well I think I know

The truth is hiding in your eyes
And its hanging on your tongue
Just boiling in my blood
But you think that I can't see
What kind of man that you are
If you're a man at all
Well I will figure this one out

On my own"
Paramore: Decode

He sent me a text after my emotional-vomit-via-SMS; "You should believe me on one thing at least: I will always look after you and Lilli"

Small comfort. 
It's not the first time he's sent that message. 
The last time he was meeting with a divorce lawyer behind my back. A lawyer from firm well known for their aggression.

I also look at the wording and maybe I'm being a bit too Freudian, but; "believe me on one thing at least.."  ?

Everytime I see him and he struggles to look me in the eye, I wonder "What are you hiding?" 

I checked the bank accounts and credit card statements today. There's another $800 worth of restaurant and bar tabs from the 24 hours before he left for his trip.  These are not dinner/ lunch bills for one person I'm looking at.  

I wonder why I don't care.

I really don't. 
I do care about the money this is Lilli's future he's playing Sir Dine-A-Lot with.  
Meanwhile Lilli and I are turning off lights and air-con, we're living very frugally, not spending anything on extravagances. 
I feel a little guilty even over our once a week treat at the Sushi Train; I count the plates fanatically and only ever choose orange and blue ones because they're under $5. Our average bill is $44.

I've put an expensive necklace his father bought me (in the height of his mania) in for valuation and that's getting hocked - the money stashed away for emergencies.

Our investment property's going well.  Comparing the sale price of the one next door and the rental agreement the new tenant has just signed, When my renovations are finished, in the next two weeks, I will have increased our family's net worth by $80-100k in under two months and our rental income potential by upwards of $125/ week.  Not so much of a financial liability as he thinks.

I didn't clear $80k when I was a paid employee. That's $5k above my gross salary as a matter of fact.

There has to be a way I can make a living out of this interior designing and building project managing caper.. until I'm a best selling author that is. (he he)

Meanwhile, I'm just tired. 
In my bones. 
Tired of wondering. 
Tired of trying to decode his behavior, body language and off-handed comments. 
Trying to decode his life through credit card statements. 

All the while wondering when I should pull the plug. Let him circle the drain on his own.



"Do you see what we've done?
We've gone and made such fools of ourselves"  

5 comments:

  1. I like the little hint of hope and positivity in your comment that you hope you can make something of the interior design/building project managing business. Sounds like a beacon amidst the turmoil of decoding everything else in your life x

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    2. Thanks Kirsty, don't know about making a business out of it - I would need a big wad of cash to start it that's for sure. Good tradies are only good while they're getting paid on time :0) thanks for your encouragement. x

      Pray for me that he stop bloody texting and emailing me - soon I wont have the brain function left to manage anything.

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  2. Thinking of you and don't really know what to say or what advice to offer. Wish there was a way you could control or limit his spending.

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    1. Thank you so much - it's nice to get support. The doctors all seem to think everything's hunky dory now. This blog is keeping my sanity and I'm hoping writing will keep me afloat when the adrenaline runs out. The Dr say's "I'll likely become quite unwell" when that happens - maybe I could take up extreme sports...
      thanks for caring.x

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