Saturday, May 17, 2014

Equilibrium

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He's back from his trip.
He's distant but civil.
He did make one comment today on money I'd spent, although not on myself; "I'd better hurry and get another job" he said.

He'd spent more in one 24hr period, the week before he left, on dinners lunches and bar tabs. His OS trip, the guitar, the painting, the new laptop, new clothes, literally hundreds of dollars spent on iTunes downloads, are all forgotten indulgences.

He's also not moved back in so there's another leak in our savings account. I've been left renovating our investment apartment getting it tenant (or sale) ready.  I keep thinking, another week at that serviced apartment - would pay for the new shower screen. Next week would pay the plumbers bill and of course replacing the worn out carpet which was today's bone of contention.

Maybe I'm being sensitive. 
Maybe not.


My default now is 'beware', so I'm sticking with that for now. Pollyanna told me that my instincts were worthy of trust, so I'm trying to go with that too.
I'm working on my financial independence but I need at least as much time, to set myself up with sufficient income, as he did imploding.

He hasn't talked about moving back in - he hasn't said much at all. Even if it's not capricious, as his doctor once called his decision to keep me uninformed, I have no idea what he's doing, how his treatment's going, if he's still being treated. Deliberate or not, he maintains the same level of secrecy.

I don't even have his address.

It's very hard on Lilli. He comes and goes and she asks why he doesn't stay but she doesn't get answers either.  It's not like we don't have a spare room, it's not like he wasn't sleeping there anyway for a month before the height of his meltdown.

I'm not ready for business as usual, as I said before, I'm changed in a way that can't be unchanged - even if I was willing to. But I'd like the unnecessary drain on our finances to stop.

More importantly I want it for Lilli.

Tonight I was cross with her because I'd not long cleared up after her play date and her craft session, before she started making more mess everywhere else. I told her she had to clear up before dinner or TV.
She fell apart; in the way kids do when they can't speak for sobbing and the words are staccato from lurching hiccups of breath.

She sobbed; "I think you're going to leave me mummy."

She cannot stand for me to be even slightly annoyed with her. It's as if she no longer sees her father as a reliable source of support or care and I'm all she's got.

I need to be extra patient with her.
Especially now he's around again because his coming and going seems to upset both our equilibrium. 



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