Thursday, May 22, 2014

The Letter

"No more I love you's
The language is leaving me
No more I love you's
The language is leaving me in silence
No more I love you's
Changes are shifting
Outside the words "

I learned yesterday that He had contacted our psychologist Pollyanna not long ago and left a message.

Like he did with a friend this week, he talked about 'problems' in the marriage. He told Pollyanna it was a lack of intimacy.

I decided to write to him and make my feelings clear.
My intention was to be honest without laying blame. Pollyanna suggested I try to be loving, but in the words of Annie Lennox: that language is leaving me..

 "Because you’re not communicating much at all (except via brief texts) with me I need to tell you how I feel.

Firstly let me introduce you to my husband, a wonderful  man:

Madly in love

A very hands-on father
A fantastic communicator
A great listener
Really good at seeing all sides of any issue
Open minded
Self aware
My best friend

He’s been unwell for a while and that’s not his fault. Two years of severe clinical depression, followed by bi-polar and mania probably caused by the treatment for depression.


The past few months have been very frightening, the rug was pulled out from under us so suddenly and your behavior got so strange - you became so angry. It felt like you, (the ‘you’ I’ve known for 14 years) went away somewhere but I always believed you’d come back, and I waited.

The doctors gave me the number for the mental health crisis line and I spoke with the same kind man, a few times when things became very bad and I didn’t think I could cope.

He told me when you were stabilized you wouldn’t remember everything, which he said would be a blessing in a way, but there would still be remorse and tears. Your psychiatrist and both GP’s told me the same – no one said anything about accusations and a reconfiguration of our history.

No one warned me you would shift the blame to me that I would become the fall-guy.  When I told you Lilli is doing it tough it wasn't an accusation that you're harming her in some way.  You used to live with us, you used to be openly very affectionate with me, and you used to tell her often, how much you loved mummy.   

Before you went away you softened and now you’re back you can’t seem to bear looking at me, no eye contact even.  

She’s an intelligent child, she can see you’re very different with me and it has to be more disturbing to her, because at least I understand more than she can.

I want you to be well, for yourself and for Lilli.  But if I stay with you I’m afraid it will be a life sentence and I can’t continue feeling in a constant state of damage control, treading on eggshells with you, checking bank accounts to make sure they’re open and have money, wondering where you are and what you’re doing.  Looking at huge restaurant and bar bills, while I count plates at the sushi train - our once a week treat – so we don’t go over $45.

Trying to decipher your life through bank statements it feels like I’m waiting around for you to decide, whether or not I’m worth it. The woman who as recently as February you called the best thing that had ever happened to you.

Lilli’s too young to understand how betrayed I feel. But one day she will read my diary and understand.  It was no one’s fault, a chemical imbalance broke us and I am completely devastated by it.  Devastated not by the manic episode and the horrible time we had to go through, but after you’ve come back. You are so changed and so obviously convinced that we as a couple-as best friends were so flawed. That is the betrayal. 

What we had was wonderful and unique and if you don't value or want it anymore then fine, but don't try to taint it. You don't have the right."


  1. Thanks for reading Sarah, it's a shame it didn't go down well with this 'new him' - he couldn't see it for what it was.

  2. Sounds like nothing you would say would get through to him at least by writing this you've attempted to get through. Thinking of you and hoping things improve for you and your daughter.

    1. You're right about that - they say he 'has no insight' - I'll add a lack of empathy, self awareness, self control..

  3. I hope at least writing this has helped you MBC, even if it didn't immediately help your relationship with your husband x

    1. Thanks Kirsty, it does actually - whenever I feel like I'm going to go mad I write it down or read something I've written before and it calms me - it's like unloading everything into a box and tucking it away on a high shelf until I'm in better shape to deal with it..
      thanks for stopping by x

  4. Such a raw and honest post ♥ I feel for you having to go through the pain of separation, and the side-effects from your partner's episode...I struggle with anxiety/depression myself quite badly, and I know my loved ones have been affected by my low times on occasion :( I usually try my hardest to keep to myself at those times to reduce the fallout! I hope that things with your ex improve soon, or at least that times helps to ease your heartache...Hang in there! ♥

    1. Hi Chantell, I'm so sorry you have to suffer with anxiety and depression too. Long ago I went through that alone and suffered panic attacks on top - probably because I was alone - my friends ran for the hills as I got more needy.
      I have found something really soothing to the soul though - my therapist put me on to her: Byron Katy's Loving What Is - I downloaded the audio book on iTunes and listen every chance I get. I would have suffered less if I'd found her back in '98 when The Black Dog was hounding me. But I'm slowly taking a new perspective on everything that's happening now thanks to BK and 'the work'.
      Thanks for your lovely comments - you hang in there too.