Thursday, June 5, 2014

Denial



I thought that I had experienced all the pain I could over this implosion of our life as we knew it. but i was wrong.

He arranged an appointment with a couples psychologist slash mediator. 
I took this opportunity to confront Him with his spending over the past three months. I wanted to do this with a mediator present, because of his temper and the short fuse it's on.

I suspected He’s unaware of how extravagantly he’s living. 

It didn’t go well.  He remains in denial and he still doesn’t show any insight into the devastating effect His burning through our savings can have on all our futures.
He shouted. He denied. He insisted that $67,000 cash depletion included the purchase of his new car.
I reiterated that it did not and offered to send him the Excel file download of our statements.  He deflected that by stating to the mediator: “I keep telling her we have plenty of money.”  He mentioned the offshore funds and shares held in his name.

I noted that I don’t have plenty of money, having no access to these offshore accounts; they're effectively quarantined from my use. I pointed out that the only funds available to me for the upkeep of Lilli and myself, to keep a roof over our heads, will only last another two months at this current rate of extravagance. He never thought I could do math. Well I used to run a business and that involved Profit and Loss statements.

I told them both that I need more visibility on the future support of our child than two months.

He was outraged that I had gone through the credit card statements; like I had no right to – although they're in joint names and my personal credit rating is tied into them. He told the mediator; “I have a right to spend money I earned.. to have dinner and invite friends to restaurants”.

Well how nice for him. 

And lucky that he has so much opportunity and freedom to do that without the bother of expense of babysitters.

To settle my nerves I remember what Annie from the Mental Health Crisis Line said about 'Insight" and his apparent lack of it. She told me I need to get my head around it if I was to minimize my frustration.

So this is what I found in my search.  There is so much here that is happening to me - so much his Psychiatrist told me He was utilizing;

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[Anosognosia] is viewed as a deficit of self-awareness…Both anosognosia and denial are almost always connected with damage in the right hemisphere.

The term 'anosognosia' is occasionally used to describe the lack of insight shown by some people who suffer from a mental illness such as bipolar disorder or psychosis. They do not have the insight to recognize that they suffer from a mental illness.



Denial, in ordinary English usage, is asserting that a statement or allegation is not true.[1] The same word, and also abnegation, is used for a psychological defense mechanism postulated by Sigmund Freud, in which a person is faced with a fact that is too uncomfortable to accept and rejects it instead, insisting that it is not true despite what may be overwhelming evidence.[1][2]

The subject may use:

DARVO
 

DARVO is an acronym to describe a common strategy of abusers: Deny the abuse, then Attack the victim for attempting to make them accountable for their offense, thereby Reversing Victim and Offender. This may involve  victim blaming and gaslighting (Gaslighting is a form of mental abuse in which false information is presented with the intent of making a victim doubt her or his own memory, perception, and sanity.)



Psychologist Jennifer Freyd writes:

...I have observed that actual abusers threaten, bully and make a nightmare for anyone who holds them accountable or asks them to change their abusive behavior. This attack, intended to chill and terrify, typically includes threats of law suits, overt and covert attacks on the whistle-blower's credibility, and so on. The attack will often take the form of focusing on ridiculing the person who attempts to hold the offender accountable. [...] [T]he offender rapidly creates the impression that the abuser is the wronged one, while the victim or concerned observer is the offender. Figure and ground are completely reversed. [...] The offender is on the offense and the person attempting to hold the offender accountable is put on the defense.[10]

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So far he has offered up law suits and he's made covert attacks to friends about my credibility and mental - emotional stability. Ridiculing - that's another yes. As is the reversal of victim and offender. 

While he controls our income he controls me and that has to change. The mediator has put in place some strategies - let's see how that works out.

But I wont give it long, I'm angry  and I'm on edge and there's a limit to how long I can stay this way.



He sent this text four hours after the appointment:

"I don't understand what you were trying to achieve this morning.
 It felt like being set-up, not nice." 





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