Wednesday, June 4, 2014

Exhausted


I am so tired. Deep down in my bones tired.

But life doesn't slow down, not one bit. It doesn't matter what hellish drama you find yourself in, people will still have birthdays to remember, the school will still have functions and extra curriculars, bills need paying, washing machines break down..

If there were only a pause button that I could push and then move around comfortably and quietly within that space. Just catch my breath. Not to look at the clock and counting down how many hours left, how much more I can get through, before school pick-up time.

Today I had to purchase exhaust fan ducting, paint brushes and also find some sparkly blue shoes, blonde hair pieces and pale blue straps to sew onto Lilli's costume for tomorrow's dress-up day at school. Dog food was also on the list but I just fed him some liver cookies and a can of sardines.  His breath won't benefit from that tomorrow.

I need to be sewing tonight but I also need this. Writing this is my release valve; it takes down the pressure.

This week I was supposed to have moved money. I saw another lawyer on a day I wasn't well. I've been looking after Lilli, suffering with pneumonia for five days, and now the cold she gave me has turned into a Sinus infection.
I sat with this lawyer, blowing my nose, struggling to see from the pressure behind my eyes. I nodded I took notes, I freaked out.

A dear friend came over and sat with me at home while I got up my courage. She sat with me in the car while I drove to the bank. She understood when I said "I cant, I just cant - not today."

She came back home with me and helped me to make lists of what needs to be done and why. She was wonderful. She gave up her one day off to hold my hand and I love her for it. Pollyanna also called to see how I'm doing and offer comfort and a pep-talk. She's another Angel.

It was after school run that I went to the doctor and found out I had a fever and there was a reason for the profound pain around my eyes and across my forehead.

It's amazing what a proper night's sleep and antibiotics can do for you. I was back on the boil for most of the day, I participated in human interactions with enthusiasm. Until the battery went flat at 5pm.

I still have work to do, I have straps to sew onto a costume so it stops falling down.

Tomorrow He has organized an appointment with a couples psychologist/ mediator. There were no less than 10 pages to the pre-appointment questionnaire.

Plenty of typical troubled marriage questions like:

What would you like your partner to do more of in your relationship?   er, be sane, stop giving me whiplash with his mood swings, show some genuine empathy, for starters - er how much space do I have on this form?

What would you like your partner to less of ?  Hell, spending like there's no tomorrow? buying stuff, wining and dining God knows who, at fancy restaurants he hasn't taken me to for years  - again how much space do I have to answer these?

Where do you see your relationship going?  Continuing down the toilet around the S-Bend into the sewer is my best guess.

Anyway I wrote the mediator/psych lady a cover letter and used a lot of N/A's on the form. I told it like it is.

I told her I believe we are going nowhere but divorce court. The way he is with me I'm convinced he's just going through the motions to show 'he tried'; a box he needed to tick for some reason.  There was a time I wanted him back home, I asked him, but he wasn't  keen.

Going through the credit card statements I can see why. He's living extravagantly with no one to answer to, no ties, no-one to remind him of how sweet and caring he used to be or what he's decided to walk away from.

He can reinvent himself and his reality and who will be any the wiser? 

So I will use this appointment in mediation, to confront him over his new lavish lifestyle; On one credit card alone he spent $2,300 on bars restaurants and tickets in just over a week.

But the slam dunk is - excluding medical costs, pharmacy, groceries, fuel, (his new car), ATM withdrawals under $200 - without any of that, he's gone through more than  $68,000 in three months.

That's a about what my net annual salary used to be .

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