Monday, June 16, 2014


There comes a point with everyone where the pain barrier is reached. 

For each person it is different.
That point where a thing becomes too painful not to act and move. 

Taking my second trip to the OR in eight days, after Lilli's birth, my obstetrician marveled at my high pain threshold.

But I think I've reached it now.
Marriage counseling is a complete farce. It is clear in everything he does and says; even in his nicer text messages, that Elvis has already left he building.

I don't know what he wants. I do know it's not me.

He became very agitated and accusing discussing the assault charges and AVO. He still wont accept that this outcome was neither my choice nor in my power to control.

And his position reamins that his version is correct – mine (and the neighbors and builders watching) is wrong and I need to confirm that. Or else.    "He needs Closure," he says.

I asked him if this was his deal-breaker and he wouldn’t answer. So that is my answer right there. It has always been in the things He doesn't say.

He is, as his psychiatrist told me,  “quite convinced of his version of events”. The doctor told me they'd had limited success trying to convince him his memory of events would unlikely be accurate. He explained further that during a manic episode input is distorted along with memories  because of the way the brain  processes a situation and events during and after.

I relayed this conversation during our session and He became very agitated; denying, insisting. 

I understand that he feels his perception is an absolute. He will not budge on this, and his speech became  clipped and fast. He was trying hard to keep hold of his temper with limited success.
Then he diverted the uncomfortable thread by attacking me for “signing the statement at the police station. 

Even if it were not the case that I was still in shock. Even if I had not been suffering the after effects of six weeks of escalating emotional abuse and severe sleep deprivation at his hands - I  make no apologies. 
He did what he did. 
He couldn't help it. 
He has a legal and [emotional] 'Get Out Of Jail Free Card' being his mental incapacity. 
So why can't he use it and stop torturing me.

I think I understand why; because it's tied to his issues with his father and his father’s violence towards his mother and brothers.

It seems to me that his perception of his father’s mania is centered around the violence and he’s unable to partition that from Papa's extreme emotional volatility and verbal cruelty towards his wife. 

He cannot tolerate the notion that his siblings have themselves witnessed his wild behavior and delusional communication as mirroring that of his father (minus the violence) so his solution is to blame me for their conclusions.  
But when He hears “ our father” He interprets: violent like our father”.  And he wasn't. 

But all that any of us wanted for him was to help him understand that he needed to get treatment, to get well before things got worse.

We do still.

But I find this process of sitting with a counselor so damaging. Reliving the horror of the worst 36 hours in my entire life (and believe me I'm no novice to toxic and emotionally and physically volatile partners).

But sitting next to someone, so changed from what they were, who has doled out so much emotional abuse; while a facilitator tells you "everyone has their own perspective on this, no two people see the same event with the same eyes." and  "I'm sure he was very upset at the time"...

Was I asking for it?  He seems to think I had it coming. That I deserve what happened before and what is happening now.

I need Pollyanna to remind me weekly what she told me at our last session:   I am a victim. I did nothing wrong. 

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