Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Breath of Life


I was looking for a breath of a life
For a little touch of heavenly light
But all the choirs in my head sang no oh oh oh

To get a dream of life again
A little vision of the start and the end
But all the choirs in my head sang, no oh oh oh

 Breath of Life: Florence & The Machine

It's not for me anymore this love stuff.
 Clearly.
I thought it was, I thought this was The One.

(But all the choirs in my head sang no oh oh oh)

I've gone back to my old GP; Dr Practical, Dr Who-needs-Subtlety.. She says I need to grieve but I have more pressing needs of survival & I'm going to have to be more tough, less considerate of Him in order to negotiate that. The general feeling is that I am suffering from PTSD. I scored high on the test.

I had a great session with Pollyanna, my therapist. She played another glad game, marking my progression forward through this emotional minefield, toward taking back control of my life.

I've been robbed of my future, the happy life I'd thought spanned the years before me, the contract's been ripped up & I have to renegotiate for myself and my little girl.

I keep asking myself why we are going through marriage counselling?
While he's dating?
I've seen two different women's photos on his iPhone message app. The one he can't put down for even half an hour. He's so obvious the way he covers his screen with his hand as I get close.
I feel like saying 'Hey buster, nothing I haven't already seen. Nothing I even care about' , beyond the worry he'll  spend our baby's college fund on them.

Good luck to you, dude; knock yourself out. Just don't knock them up. Not before settlement.

I have no feelings on his love-life beyond that. I have been emotionally gutted- like a fish. As a close friend put it tonight; gutted, scaled & filleted actually.

My baby and our doe-eyed, watchful fur-person are holding the drifting pieces of me together- they have all of my bruised heart and all of the affection I used to share with one other.

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