Saturday, July 12, 2014
Lost and Found
Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting
I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying
I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should
- Dixie Chicks
It's been a while.
Because I toppled back into depression for a bit.
I'm pretty sure that being ill had something to do with that, because now I'm done being pumped full of uber-strength antibiotics, I feel some semblance of normal again.
But the other thing that tipped me over the edge was when He went away again, which in itself I was looking forward to. It was to be for a week, but then he sent a message: "I forgot to tell you- I've extended my stay for another week."
Until the end of school holidays which meant for me, two weeks 24/7 without a minute off for good behaviour.
Clearly some people get time off for bad behaviour.
I was mad. I went to see Pollyanna and I ranted; "who does he think I am - the hired help? Even a Nanny or a maid would get a day off here and there - plus annual leave. You have to OK extra time with paid staff."
After that I felt trapped, used, and certainly taken for granted. That feeling on top of being ill triggered depression.
Pollyanna asked me what I would advise a close friend to do in my situation. I said I would "tell her to fast track a formal separation, get the money sorted and start getting on with her life".
"So what are you waiting for?"
The wait is over. As Pollyanna says, there is no motivation for him to do anything. He's not in any pain. He's living it up doing as he pleases. Whereas I am in constant pain, worrying about money, worrying about mine and Lilli's futures - filling all the gaps he leaves behind.
Time to pull the pin.
I feel like that last breakdown with the counselor was the last part of my grief coming up.
Like poison, I needed to bring every last bit up and out before I can recover.
I'm recovering enough now to ask myself some serious questions:
How did I become so swallowed up in someone else's life? Someone else's lifestyle and goals.
How did I loose myself like that?
How did I not see?
This week I made a new friend and it's been the catalyst for me rediscovering some missing pieces of myself. Passions and interests that I've let go of.
There are things that used to be central to my old life, that I put aside because they weren't central to His.
It's as if my eyes have opened wider and, with 20/20 hindsight, I can see my marriage clearly for the first time.
And it doesn't look the same anymore. It certainly doesn't look so perfect.
So now I'm changing; back like I was.
Before I toned it down.
Before, like some massive wardrobe clear-out, I threw out the parts of my life and personality that didn't fit Him.
His version of me.
But it's not his fault. I did this. I watered myself down, like a too-strong cocktail.
The fault is mine and now it's time to rectify that.
I've just finished renovating an apartment and now it's time to renovate me.
To paraphrase the Dixie Chicks; this thing has turned my whole world around, but I kind of like it.
I made my bed and I sleep like a baby.
Just time to roll up my sleeves and get the job done.