Wednesday, September 10, 2014


"Suspicion is one thing, 
image credit

But actually knowing for sure feels entirely different."

[ Me ]
This is the pattern my life has developed; I become angry, then  numb, then I heal (sort of), I begin to feel empathy again.. and I experience a smack-down.

Yesterday I talked to the hospital nurse and he said He is coming around. They are getting him out of bed. He is responding to questions but not really aware of where he is or what month it is.

I feel awful for him. I think he must be so scared and confused..

Then I find out about the message app he's been using for many months. He told me the name of it, but it just seemed like another name in the sea of social media.

At the time I confronted him about the women's photos I had seen when he was so busy chatting he totally ignored his little girl sitting by his side trying to get his attention before their hour was up.
He told me (foolishly) it was Tinder; rightly believing I wouldn't know it from Face Book messenger or Whats App. But I looked it up this week and read this review in Marie Claire.

"It is still very casual sex-focused. Many men are only on Tinder for a quick hook-up, so if it's a serious relationship you're after this app might not be for you."

I feel sick thinking about him crashing Lilli and my girls night at the Sushi Bar and spending all his time trying to find a quick shag. 
Sitting next to his six-year-old-daughter. 
And his Bizarre jealous reaction when he finds me speaking to the man next to us while he'd disappeared outside for ages, probably to phone his hook-up. 
He left us on the doorstep that night saying he didn't feel well and he was going to bed. But I'd seen him checking his watch a few times. Well  he probably did go to bed: after the two nightspots he hit after he left us.  Bank statements are useful like that.
Most likely he went to bed with company.
And still dragged me to couples counselling the next week.

So the more recent odd questions around this homeless girl; the young French student, who was a friend of his dear old friend of 20 years; What's-His-Name. This girl who was traveling to Australia and her accommodation fell through last minute so he'd told his friend What's-His-Name, she could stay with him at his flat even though they'd never met.
I said at the time that was a bit odd.
He said defensively. "She's young enough to be my daughter" "there's nothing going on, it's just a favour ..".

I went to the apartment today to clear-up so I can try to get a holiday tenant to pay even part of the mortgage while he's in hospital for what I am told will be a month or so.

I bagged up the towels to take home and wash then I stripped the bed... Smack-down II.

I am completely staggered by this disreputable person he has become.  He doesnt have remotely the same ethics or morals he used to.
All the time he's playing nice while Lilli and I deliver medicine and nicotine patches to him, He knows.
He lays in bed, on his crunchy sheets, being ever so greatful and sweet, knowing full well that he's a lying cheating dirt-bag, with the morals of an alley cat and he's playing us both for suckers.

What kind of person does that?

I wonder how he can bear to look at his reflection in the mirror.

I am not calling the hospital tonight: I dont want to hear another thing about him - I dont want to go to sleep thinking about him.

As I say suspecting is one thing, knowing feels a lot different.


  1. Knowing removes that little bit of self doubt that you are being unjust and viewing his choices through the lens of pain. It also takes that foot that was hanging above your head and crashes it right through your heart.

    Use those clear eyes.. if you haven't already start a log book of interactions between the two of you as well as one for him and your daughter (including his cancels).

    You have my empathy. Please put self care high on your list of priorities this is rolling hit after rolling hit and that type of sustained nastiness has a way of wearing you down.

    Highest Hopes

  2. Oh Belinda, you are my angel.
    You ahve good advice to give - I was also advised by the nice psychs on the Mental helth crisis line to do just that(keep a diary), in fact this is where this blog has come from. My diary keeping is factual, but my therapy lies here. I let the emotions roll out and it's like I'm unloading them into a box and when I shut down the laptop, the box is lifted onto a shelf and stored. The load is lifted. A little. The fear has again been replaced by anger and I'm waking through the night.
    I'll take a pill tonight and for the next two nights to break the cycle.
    By the way, your description of 'rolling hit after rolling hit ' is so succinct, I know for sure you've been through this.
    thank you