Friday, September 5, 2014

Chaos


Damn. It used to be interactions with him that left me restless and waking in the night. Now it's his doctor.

I c.c.'d her on a letter to his psychiatrist explaining my concerns over his continued mental instability his incapacity to take physical care of himself and how this now has almost resulted in his death. 

So his (used to be ours) Dr Robot phoned me with that well practised condecending 'oh- dear-how-awful-empathetic-tone'. 
It  just puts back up these days, quite frankly. 

She tisk-tisked a lot before asking about my plans to take Lilly to see him in London.

I talk about Lilli's progress in therapy, the undoubted trauma of seeing him in an ICU, her confusion, her fears..
Dr Robot says: 'hmmm yes, but he will probably need to see her when he wakes up...'

Well I'm sorry, but he should have thought of that when he flew out of the country.
I have no intension of dragging that poor little girl halfway around the world while she's so run-down herself, to shove her under his nose.

I guess Dr Robot doesn't know how ready he's been to cancel Lilly's sleepovers  (the ones Doc herself insisted he needed)  in favour of the latest new young girl he's known all of ten minutes.

She's a mother too for Christ's sake, and that's how I know that her empathy can only run about as deep as the puddles on the footpath outside.Isn't it bad enough that he has entrenched himself in the ideology of "It's all about Me" - does His doctor need to perpetuate that?

My vote is that there have been way too many things, for way too long, being done and said  for his exclusive benefit already.
We heard today that he's recovered enuogh to be taken off the Ecmo machine and he's breathing on his own, so I'm happy that he's out of danger.
But He made his bed - deciding to leave Lilly  behind and move on to greener pastures- and he can just lie in it now. With nursing staff for company.

 No matter whether he will want or need to see her when he's recovering... He obviously doesn't feel an overwhelming need to see her grow up or he wouldn't have been planning on moving to the other side of the world.

I have done everything to please him for 14 years. I've put my life, career and future on hold for over three years and He has repaid me with the most monumental slap in the face.

Now it's Lillly's turn to chase after him and  his selfishness choices?

Not today. 
Not tomorrow.
Not ever.

No child should have to chase down a parent's love and attention.

So no, I will not uproot our lives in another rescue attempt. He's made it prefectly clear he doesnt want or need me or my input any more.
So for mine, it's all about her now, I am staying put; I will  get work, get writing again  and sell off what we don't need. I will sort through the mess he's left behind, and raise our daughter with love and honesty and stability.
He can take his chaos and his self-centricity and shove it where he sits - we'll be far better off without it.


He's a big boy- when he recovers from his latest self-induced disaster, he can chase after Lilly not the other way round - she deserves it. 
She's worth it. 

6 comments:

  1. Absolutely..

    Do what your little girl needs.. He's a grown man making his own decisions, as unbalanced as they may be, so protect that little soul with every avenue you have available.

    Best wishes
    Belinda
    (ex dealing with a different mental illness but the same boundaries have needed to be set)

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    1. Thanks Belinda, some small part of me feels like a bit of a heartless bitch- but then I remember him sitting next to his daughter lining up women on Tinder & I dont

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    2. Yeah, I understand feeling like a heartless bitch.

      It took me a while and a lot of physical distance, two months after we split I got permission to move an entire state away to be near family support, to let go of the emotional investment I made in our relationship even after I left. I had spent years catering to his mental illness before my son was born but once he was here I really started evaluating what was healthy and what was not (particularly since he was effectively dating during my pregnancy). I came to the conclusion that I didn't want our relationship to be my son's "normal" and since my ex was unwilling to seek help to encourage a healthy emotional environment I did what I had to do to ensure my son was safe.

      No two situations are the same but what those professionals are suggesting would have to be negligent at best. As you implied somehow they have come to view the obligations of "your family" through the lens of it's potential role to mitigate his symptoms and that aint right. It is not, and has never been, her responsibility to ensure that her relationship with him "gives him the will to live"

      Well done on drawing this boundary and fighting for your girl.
      Kind Regards
      Belinda

      **BTW I think you might have let her name slip through on your editing of the last post

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    3. Thanks again Belinda, it helps you know, your comments and hearing your story. Your support. :0)
      I'm with you on the relationship example stuff - Dr Robot asked me if I could swallow his delusional version of events for the sake of our marriage. I said hell NO, I am a victim, I've done ntohing but love and support him, to try over and over again to save him from himself. Enough is enough. I dont want my daughter to grow up with that door-mat example and to see me put up with the unjustified punishment installment progame I would be on as a result.
      There is a court order that he accepts chemical and pychological treatment, but they seem to have missed that part.
      Thanks for the tip on the typo too.
      Your situation sounds 50 Shades of Awful too, I hope things are better now.
      xo

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