Saturday, September 13, 2014

Suffocation

Now I will tell you what I've done for you
Fifty thousand tears I've cried
Screaming deceiving and bleeding for you
And you still won't hear me

(I'm going under)

Don't want your hand this time I'll save myself
Maybe I'll wake up for once
Not tormented daily defeated by you
Just when I thought I'd reached the bottom
I'm dying again

I'm going under, (going under)
Drowning in you, (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever, (falling forever)
I've got to break through, I'm going under

Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies
So I don't know what's real and what's not
Always confusing the thoughts in my head
So I can't trust myself anymore
I'm dying again

I'm going under, (going under)
Drowning in you, (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever, (falling forever)
I've got to break through, I'm

So go on and scream
Scream at me I'm so far away
I won't be broken again
I've got to breathe I can't keep going under

I'm dying again
I'm going under, (going under)
Drowning in you, (drowning in you)
I'm falling forever, (falling forever)
I've got to break through, I'm going under
Going under
I'm going under

 Evanescence - going under 

 

This week has felt like drowning.

Trying to stay on the surface. Trying to draw breath. Trying to seem like a normal person going about my day, fitting in to the normal rhythms of life.

On the inside I'm taking big unsteady gulps of air. I've started using an inhaler just because the air doesn't seem to be filling my lungs.

Just when I thought I was doing OK. it hits again. This anger that overwhelms me at a betrayal so absolute.

It's the sex-stained sheets, it's the obsessive use of Tinder while he was pretending to reconsile, and it's finding another of our friends being told by him that while I'm a fantastic mother, as a wife, a person... well...

To give everything you have to give. All your heart, your honesty, all your strength to hold them up while they're staggering on the inside. Giving your absolute trust and devotion. 

To be accused of being so much less than you are; than you have ever been.  To be blamed because the alternative of facing the real problem is too painful. The injustice weighs me down like an anchor tied to my feet.

It is also the thing that keeps coming back up like weeds in a new garden bed. His accusation of me being untrustworthy;"I looked though his private documents and that's why he doesn't trust or love me anymore."

That's what he tells them. He doesn't mention that what I found was papers from a divorce lawyer and evidence he'd lied about being on a business trip when he wasn't.  He doesn't mention either that the only reason I had to look in the first place was because he asked me to run home and find something for him as fast as I could. Something he usually kept in his satchel.  No he doesn't mention that part. Not ever.

When I confront him. if my 'looking' is why you want to divorce me then why were you contacting divorce lawyers weeks before that?  That is a question he avoids answering. 'Why did you say you were going away for a week on business when you didn't? Where the f%ck were you for that week?

No. I am untrustworthy. Therefore unlovable.

But I don't want his love anymore.  I don't need it. It's a destructive, consuming poisonous thing that suffocates me.

But still, sometimes it becomes too much for me. The situation I find myself trying to navigate with a young child.  I am strong. I've held up through this onslaught of aggression, pain, accusation, betrayal in every way a spouse can be betrayed. sometimes against the ropes but always still on my feet.

But when I hear certain music, songs, I can cry for no good reason.

Just not love songs; Love songs make me nauseous.

 

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