Friday, October 17, 2014

Re-boot

"I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase"

Evanescence - My Immortal


It's been a while.
I've not done much writing at all. Neither this  blog or the other; the novel has been on hold again along with my ambitions.
School holidays, and road trips interstate to nestle in the bosom of my family where a much needed emotional re-boot.
Drifting through pieces of my old life, catching up with old friends and a former boss. I learn a lot from how people react to me, interact with me and I know I'm OK. All of it reinforces who I really am- the me down at my core.
That me, is yawning, stretching and dusting herself off now.

My old boss from way back before I met 'Him', was in town and although I missed a physical catch-up he called several times to chat. I'm impressed because there are journalists who would pay for that banter with him and we haven't spoken since I resigned 16 years ago.
We even joke about my sudden resignation which happened while he was on a business trip.

To be given a bear hug from an old friend and one-time lover while he asks "Are you REALLY OK?" It all grounds me somehow.  There was one hell of a life before this marriage, so I can assume there will be more of the same after it too.

I do feel great. The silver lining of this dark scary cumulonimbus is a return to the weight of my modelling days and several pairs of chase-me-f*ck-me new shoes.  Even our effervescent dog walker told me this morning; "You're glowing, woman!"

I've been exercising again, I'm starting to get going on my loooong to do list.

<Sigh> But he's still away.
I expect my euphoria may be dampened somewhat by his return. He really is a kind of black-hole in my life now.
And then there's the emotional fuckwittage as Bridget Jones called it; Shortly after he left hospital to stay with his parents during his recovery, I got this email:

"Just wanted to tell you I miss you girls so so much...you're my family and I cant wait to be back home to be with you again."

My response was terse: "errm, you DO remember that you asked me for a divorce a few weeks ago and how disappointed you were finding out you have to wait another six months to get rid of me?"

After my message he called Lilly on Face Time; He gushed to her about missing us both so much and coming home soon to be with us again. She literally gasped "really?" and her little face lit up.

When she went upstairs to get something to show him, he called me over and said his "head space had changed since he'd come out of hospital" which is why he sent the message. He said moving to London would be a mistake, that he should be nearer to Lilly and me, to be part of our lives.

I held my jaw in place thinking;  Mister, I KNOW. You don't know that I know your dirty secrets, and you're quite prepared to shelve your conscience (if you have one at all) bluff your way, pretend it didn't happen. Get out of jail free and just slot yourself back into our lives until you feel like doing it again? Don't think it works like that.

I told him my 'head space' didn't switch-back that easily- there's been too much pain and damage done.. 
I also asked him to be aware of not getting Lilly's hopes up and confusing her, setting her up for disappointment etc. Then Lilly came back.

So they talked a bit more and after he sent me this:

"Just wanted to say I miss you girls because that's how I felt the last few days. That's all, nothing more nothing less."

What to make of him. I've seem him like this before: before he went to the US he broke down with remorse, he told me he was sorry and he loved me. He clung to me sobbing then went upstairs and cried more.
When he came back from his trip, I was expecting we'd begin putting us together but he was cold, argumentative and totally avoiding eye-contact for weeks. 

But it all makes sense now I know why.

I guess that's when I stopped taking his words or actions at face value.  There were several times when he was being so nice and uncommonly co-operative that I thought I was getting him back; but each time I either discovered something unpleasant or got feedback from friends of strange things he'd said about me and they would  be worried and tell me 'just be careful'.

As a very good friend said to me the day I found his encyclopedia of love letters; "Thank God you found this". Serioulsy, painful as it was; Thank God I found it.  Now I know the full story (or enough of it) I can see the depth of his cunning and deceit.  He is an accomplished actor devoid of morals or conscience, and having found this tacky journal there is just no going back.

Not ever.

By the way, his head space has apparently changed back pretty quickly. He's stopped  in London for a week. To do interviews? (He was cagey when I asked.) Or get in some shag-time with her? Or who gives a flying rats arse? :0)

Not me.

This is it, yes, it's THAT big!
I added the fake digital bow to give it the romance it deserves

 









4 comments:

  1. I am also so very glad you found that stack of letters. It has the ability to be your ladder if you happen to accidentally find yourself in the middle of that chaotic vortex. I honestly don't think you are going to need that ladder but working out boundaries for yourself to recontextualise the relationship in realtime is going to have it's challenging times especially if he comes home wanting to "make good".

    Best Wishes
    Belinda

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  2. Hey Belinda, guess what?!
    He's come home....
    well it's easier now, child drop offs and pick-ups and I'm getting more and much needed help - not to mention nights off. But that encyclopedia of lust has me well grounded, it's something I cant and wont forget. But meanwhile I'm finding myself in a better place and just totally focussed on my dreams to create a future for my daughter and myself off my own back.
    Thanks again for the encouragement and support you've gifted me with -I can see it comes from one who's been there.
    xo

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  3. It's awesome to hear you are doing so well. I can only imagine how much easier it would be to positively move your dreams forward with that little bit of down time to help you recharge and most importantly simply have time to put one foot in front of the other to make it happen.

    If you are both on the same page with regard to moving forward with the divorce things are likely to be able to stay reasonably emotionally uncomplicated. Best wishes for your process I can't wait to see the things your focus can achieve.

    Kind Regards
    Belinda

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    Replies
    1. Belinda, I dont know what to say - your encouragment and support means a lot to me : more so that I dont know you. It's hard to get a true read on him, but all that matters is that he's stopped the harm.
      thank you so much for all of your comments - I love reading them :0)

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