Sunday, November 16, 2014


"There must be something else, behind all the lies, that you wanted me to believe.
Now everyone is saying, that I should find a way, to leave it all behind.
What do I have to do? to try and make you see, that this is who I am, and it's all that I can be..
Its all I want to be.. 
It is time for me to have a discussion with that man I married. 
Quietly and rationally and I think now is the right time.  He's far more reasonable-he seems rational and it's a discussion that needs to be had before he leaves again.
A close friend of his agreed but warned me; 'Importantly, you need to show him that you are detached from all of this, and not vindictive about his cheating (although you'd have all the reasons to be).'

Oddly I don’t feel vindictive at all;  maybe I’m just too numb and exhausted from living on the edge for so long.
But I’m not sure I have that in me - for myself-  anyway.  I've been known to dole out pay-back of sorts in the defence of badly wronged friends (minor incident of flushing olives in a toilet bowl) but I never managed to work up enough steam on my own behalf.

I do feel hurt at being swapped out for someone else.  I could swallow that it began when we were still ‘on’ because of the acute stage of his mental illness, but it’s continuing now.  while he's giving every indication of returning rationality and insight.  while he’s calling our house home and playing happy families; telling Lilly openly, how much he loves mummy.  

 But that's beside the point.

The point is, without any judgements issued about his situation, that we (Lilly and I) practically, need  to know how his relationship and setting up house with her, will impact our future.

Also for my own peace of mind and transparency - I can't stand dancing around the edges any longer - pretending I don’t know about this secret life of his. 

I've always been an open book (and he used to be) so I need to put that right. I need to manoeuvre him into a place of honestly - at least a little honestly - so he can be worthy of Lilly's trust and show me just a little of the respect I deserve.

So the discussion will be calm I will only talk about my knowing about his relationship and ask him where that leaves his ‘first family’.

In the interests of sticking up for myself, I will also let him know how hurt and confused I am and how difficult it is to reconcile his recent ‘return to normal’ with his continued lack of honesty.

So this is my strategy:
\     I will tell him that I know about his girlfriend.
\     I will say that when he was in  hospital with all the messages and texts going back and forth about his condition someone mentioned that ‘his Girlfriend had been in touch' and in a way that it seemed I would know about her.
      Then I will tell him nicely that I’ve said nothing all this time - waiting for him to tell me. 
I think he senses hesitation in me when he’s around and that’s why he keeps asking if I’m feeling better and if I need more financial assurance.

My feeling is that I cannot let him go off again and leave us hanging on the outcome. He’s already said he’s not sure when he’ll ‘be able to come back’.  He'll miss Lilly's big end of year ballet recital and he says 'but hopefully not her birthday'.
 But enough is enough here, Lilly and I have been living in limbo now for nine  months! 
While he and I are still joined at the hip financially, I need to address with him, the risks to Lilly and my ability to support and take care of her. Especially if he gets someone else pregnant or takes on someone elses kids.

I might wait for a few days, even though it’s causing me more stress, but I don’t want to distract him form what he’s working on; 

You see to adding to my stress, is the property developer who owns the terrace next door; he's just re-applied for his previously rejected planning permission to build a two storey extension on the boundary between our properties. Which would mean a two story wall just 35 inches from all of our living room windows. Now there is a man, a greedy dishonest bully, I could get vindictive with - maybe send him some special olives as a peace offering..

Anyway I think I'll let my husband (and her fiancĂ©e) deal with that first – since he’s doing such a fine job.. :0)


  1. Well done for seeking the clarifications you need to move forward confidently.

    I am sure someone will have mentioned this but even if you are totally non judgemental and emotionally removed in how you approach this there is a very real chance that is not going to be his perception.

    If there is any way for Lilly to be as far away from the situation as possible it would be advantageous as it is one less thing for you to need to think about. My gut also points to having it happen in a public place as it has a better chance of forcing him to think before he opens his mouth or acts rather than just react. Liars don't like getting caught, even those looking for a way out of their lie (perception of personal integrity and such), so in a private setting things could get very messy very quickly when he realises he hasn't covered his tracks as well as he thought he did.

    I am guessing "access to Lilly" is his push point and reason he is playing nice. As such he may or may not have grand delusions in his head about happy families on both sides of the world or other equally unlikely flights of fancy.

    Best Wishes

    1. Good advice, I think - I do still manage after all this to slip into my optimistic defaults and that remains my Achilles heel.
      I will try to tackle this during school hours and at a cafe or similar.I was going to try at home tonight,( he was babysitting for me while I was at a school thing) but the moment didnt seem right - he didnt display his usual appettite for deep and meaningfuls. It's not all about timing but that's important too. and you are so right; liars dont like to be caught out and also in what you say about his perception; those have been way off for the duration.
      thanks so much

  2. It's natural and normal that you are still looking for the good. We all do it. Sometimes it's even useful as it can smooth a path that would be rocky otherwise sometimes it makes us a bit blind to potential consequences.

    At a level you need to continue to believe because you know due to Lilly you will have some level of continued relationship with him. There is also a part of you that probably really wants to believe you that you still fundamentally understand this person when you are leaving her in his care.

    I honestly want to be wrong about feeling I needed to give you a heads up but it was more important to me that you got the opportunity to think that side through before you needed to try and process everything "realtime"

    Best Wishes

    1. Belinda, If you only had a dollar for everytime I felt the need to thank you...
      you are a wonderful and wise woman and I'm so glad that you have connected with me.