Sunday, November 23, 2014

Hello

Playground school bell rings again
Rain clouds come to play again
Has no one told you she's not breathing?
Hello, I'm your mind giving you someone to talk to
Hello
If I smile and don't believe
Soon I know I'll wake from this dream
Don't try to fix me, I'm not broken
Hello, I'm the lie living for you so you can hide
Don't cry
Suddenly I know I'm not sleeping
Hello, I'm still here
All that's left of yesterday



Strategy Implemented

Well it's been interesting.. I let him talk about 'us' and how much he misses 'our family' for two weeks and finally I told him I what I told you I would.
Initially he denied it; like whoever mentioned her misunderstood the situation.. she's just a girl he met, just a friend ....blah blah

So I told him I'd checked his phone when he left it behind. I told him with all his talk of wonderful "us" I had to know the truth and know if it's still 'on' with her.  So I confronted him with the lie, told him I'd seen their messages full of I love you so's and I miss you so muches.  Then he changed tack and told me he was going to tell me so many times and just couldn’t (even when I asked him apparently) and he was so confused and didn’t know how he felt about her and it wasn’t very serious anyway... blah blah blah..
He told me when 'they' started, and I told him I pretty much surmised that, because I’ve been cheated on enough times now to know the signs – the aggressive defensiveness, inability to make eye contact etc.  I told him it was such a contrast from the man who’d left weeping in my arms saying how sorry he was.  I didn't of course divulge the documents that confirmed my suspicions; that remains tucked away in my weapons locker for emergency use.

I also told him that in my personal experience with cheaters, not one had traded ‘up’ which was interesting. (let that sink in).

I told him I actually don’t want to know his business nor the gory details of his flings and relationships, but while we are joined at the bank-account and I've been left holding the baby - I need to know what kind of financial and emotional liabilities are in store for Lilly and myself.

He insisted as always that he won’t ever leave us high and dry.  I told him I wouldn’t think so either, financially at least, but with all that has happened, it would be irresponsible of me to gamble our little daughter's future on that nice thought.
He told me Angela is married with two kids. I asked, what happens if you move in together, her (not yet ex) husband drops the ball leaving you with two wives and three kids to support?  
He insisted that won’t ever happen.  
I pointed out that, far from impossible, it’s quite common; my lawyer and Lilly’s shrink have left nothing to my imagination – I have to tell you. I’ve been fed a staple diet of worst-case scenarios from an impressive bank of professionals (his and mine) for nine long months now and statistically it’s an eye opener.

I also warned him that I have and I will use any means necessary, ethical or not, to make sure I have absolute clarity and I see the next King Hit coming.  He told me there won’t be any more of those and I hope that’s true. I still manage to scrape up a little optimism – God knows how.

I didn’t get the chance to confront him about the other four women he messaged, but I will. His words and his behaviour, when he thinks I’m not looking, remain at odds.

So the upshot of our perfectly calm discussion was this:
 He says he’s been lying to many people for many months. (well duh)
 I’ve told him I don’t need to know about his decisions or feelings about his relationship with her or anyone else – I just need honesty.  
He seems to think he doesn’t need to tell the truth until he makes up his mind about things. 
I told him he needs to tell the truth to be respected; If I don’t respect him Lilly wont – she’s a very perceptive little girl, no matter how good an act you put on. 
I told him about when she yelled at me in a fit of rage; “Daddy’s a LIAR!’ over one of his many slip-ups and how I talked her down from there.  That clearly hit a nerve.
I told him he needs to be worthy of her trust and love and that is the total sum of my interest in his behaviour right now.

I also told him I won’t be waiting around for him to choose one of us and that I’m not even sure he could win me back if he decided that’s what he wanted.  

I’m told him I’m completely focused now on professionally reinventing myself and setting Lilly and I up with a reliable income (until I’m a best-selling author of course). An income that involve her being in Before and After School Care from 7:30am till 6pm five days a week.  I have a plan (it involves a bit of study, but not too much). 
But I warned him- although I’m not out looking for a man at all, it's not from lack of opportunity and lighting could strike.  
Immediately, he said he wasn’t happy about that thought at all. (Raising one eyebrow) I guess what’s good for the Gander isn’t OK for the Goose in his new world.  
Well Tough.
Lighting may strike.


4 comments:

  1. Congratulations!

    Very glad that you seem to have managed to communicate what you felt you needed to and even more importantly that you were seemingly heard in a real way. That is one more hard step done and dusted.

    Best Wishes
    Belinda
    Belinda

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    1. Thank you Belinda, it was good to clear the air. I'm not sure how honest he will be in future and I'm not convinced he was 'going to tell me so many times,but didnt know how to..' as he said. You would think that when caught out on a lie that you intended confessing- where stupmped on how to appraoch the subject,- the normal reaction would be along the lines of 'Thank God you know, I'm so sorry..' rather than another denial. Hmmm

      all the very best to you too xo

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  2. The cynic in me says He will be as honest as he has been to this point. Maybe better with Lilly but honestly it sounds like lying has become a comfortable way to avoid the unpleasant tasks in life.

    If he he has a large dose of Aspergers in his personality, I might view the overall differently as they really don't process emotional content well in real time(11 yrs experience talking here) thus might stick to their original narrative against their best interest. If not he wasn't looking for a space to confess, he was caught out pure and simple. His tune seemingly didn't change until it became advantageous to so he could work out the what/where/when of your knowledge allowing him to gauge the depth of his hole :-)

    If he was truly looking to confess that which you didn't have time to bring up would have been discussed from his

    Best Wishes
    Belinda

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    1. You got it Belinda! (As you'll see in my next post). He has a whole different version of honesty to the rest of humanity and he's really become an extremely adept actor. This is a game he's playing, but I've seen all his cards and he hasn’t seen mine ( and he thinks I don’t know how to play) - so I'll wager I know who'll win the final hand.
      I'm going on a date on Friday night! - very excited about that... And happy that You Know Who would be bent out of shape if he knew.
      Funny how he manages to act like Don Yuan, carry on multiple relationships and still be jealous and possessive over me.!

      xo

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