Friday, November 14, 2014

On the Ropes



What a week.

He seems so changed, so much more the way he was. We keep having these heavy discussions about what happened to him. He says how sorry he is and how much guilt her feels for all he's done to me. He tells me I'm wonderful and I didn't deserve any of it. How guilty he feels.

He's incredibly helpful, school pick-ups and drop-offs, shopping dog walking, unstacking my dishwasher while I have a lie down...


He's been suggesting more and more family outings, staying for dinner, bathing Lilly and putting her to bed.
It's just so hard to reconcile with what I know.
And I know more.
Recently.

On one of these helpful afternoons, after running to the pharmacy to pick up Lilly's meds, he'd collected her  from school and then came over to pack her bag to stay over. A job that's normally taken for granted as mine as well as pharmacy runs to get her prescriptions. They'd just left when I noticed his iPhone smack in the middle of the kitchen counter.

Last time I checked his phone he'd screen locked it as always but he'd changed his pass-code. This time it had no screen lock.

He called me sounding a bit frantic and told me he thought he'd left his phone behind. He said he thought it was next to the mail on the hall table. I told him I was upstairs working but I'd go look

"hmm can’t see it..." I say.
"Oh here it is under a catalogue!'

Just where I put it after forwarding a heady bare-all email exchange between him and Angela. I deleted that from his sent items then from the trash folder before moving the phone from the conspicuous place he'd left it to where he’d opened the mail. During which time my heart was trying to bust out of my ribcage and my pulse was banging in my ears as I fully expected him to turn around and come back for it.

My poor dog, even though I hadn’t uttered a word, was cowering in a corner, wall eyed and shaking. Dogs are sensitive, but their noses know. I must have had adrenaline oozing from my pores.

I tell him; ‘I'll drop it round - I was just about to go to the store anyway.'
‘Oh thanks! I just got Lilly settled. You’re such a sweetheart’ he says.
‘I know.’ I reply with a girly giggle.

So She was on his email but also on messages; loving exchanges from besotted lovers, missing each other terribly. But also were exchanges with Jess, Cora, Tabitha (Stevens? He's Bewitched?) and Victoria, all of whom have pending dates with him. He asks Victoria a favour; not to tag him on Face Book while they're out, because his 'ex is sensitive about him dating beautiful women'.

Well I truly don't give a rats beyond the fact that it speaks volumes about how far I can (not) trust this man, but I'm sure his fiancĂ©e would be 'sensitive about him dating beautiful women', while she’s busy divorcing her husband to set up house with him.

This sent me into the worst tail-spin. But not for the obvious reasons. The ones most people would expect.
I felt that him returning to himself meant  the real him was still there and he could be the father to Lilly that he should be - that he used to be. Worthy of her trust and love.

And selfishly I thought, thank God, I can stop looking over my shoulder, checking bank accounts and hacking into the one’s I’m not supposed to know about or how to get into.
I thought, we can split in a nicer more civil way than fighting it out in court, mud-slinging and muck-raking before a judge.  

It’s hard putting on a Daddy’s the hero face my baby, so as not to rob them of their relationship, when He has found so many ways to take me to hell and leave me there without a map.
Smack down! I spent a miserable night teetering on an emotional ledge with a dear friend talking me down.  What a sad sack; sitting in a bar on my own, dressed to the nines, snivelling over my phone and the nice caring messages coming through.
Anyway it took twelve long hours but I climbed up off the mat, hauled myself up on the ropes and I’m on my feet again.

Tonight again it happened, only this time the phone was left unattended  before our ‘big talk’.
More of the same: but Jess is missing out on seeing him because his imaginary boss is sending him to London on business…

Honestly if I didn’t know what I know, I would be elated over the changes in him. He even told me tonight that he wants me to have access to the offshore shares account, so I can see what “we have” that we’re ok. He said he’s going to give me the passwords and log-in details so I can see everything.

Of course he doesn’t know I already have them and I’ve already checked. But let’s see what happens there.

These discussions and his revelations about his feelings about us as a family, about me and what am amazing woman I am (Angela gets the same accolade). Confessions of his guilt, talk about his illness and his recovery are just so hard to reconcile with what I know he’s doing behind my back.

It’s completely surreal; my marriage has become a Dali painting, just not as valuable or desirable.

2 comments:

  1. It's the one thing that really hit me later was just how deeply I grieved my sons loss of relationship. In my case as my son was only 9 months old the day I last walked out that door knowing I would never return so I was grieving potential not even a tangible link. That said the sorrow was deep and the disappointment that he could never know the amazing man I originally committed to disturbed all I felt was right in the world.

    Circumstances meant I was moving an infant a whole state away from his parent so we would be safe, clothed and fed but I knew when I did it at best they would achieve an indulgent uncle level of interpersonal relationship. Since in the almost 2.5 yrs they have spent less than 21 days in each others company, and on those days only maybe 3 hrs at a time never without a trusted care giver in the wings, it's looking like even that might have been overly optimistic. We'll have to see.

    I think my anger at his inability to put his child's best interest above his own desires was what got me through some days. Unfortunately it means I will need to learn from the ground up to allow myself to be vulnerable in relationships and trust again. I honestly have an ache about the fact I can't actually envisage feeling emotionally safe in a relationship and at times that hangs over my head as a final insult.

    I will not let him take this away from me but there's a long haul from where I am to where I need to be if a happy, healthy relationship is what I want to participate in.

    Best Wishes
    Belinda

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  2. Oh Belinda,
    I'm so sorry to hear that you've had to go through exactly what I feared I would have to in the early stages. running - supervised visits. I'm greatful that it didnt get to that, but I still feel the pain and fear of that looming in front of us - even now.

    Your words about trust - you could have taken them right rom my head: I took a drive after writing this post and that is exactly what I've been thinking. When I've met with opportunities,(and there have been already) I look at the man and think well you seem nice - now - what about later? And how can I trust what youre even saying now? I look at men and their wives pushing pramsand smiling and mentally ask the fathers, 'Where will you be in six years? Maybe swapping out your wife and child?'
    Yeah Trust is a big issue for me now and having Lilly now, I dont feel I could risk putting her through this again. I dont feel I can test her resilience any further.

    Thank you again

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