What a week.
He seems so changed, so much more the way he was. We keep having these heavy discussions about what happened to him. He says how sorry he is and how much guilt her feels for all he's done to me. He tells me I'm wonderful and I didn't deserve any of it. How guilty he feels.
He's incredibly helpful, school pick-ups and drop-offs, shopping dog walking, unstacking my dishwasher while I have a lie down...
He's been suggesting more and more family outings, staying for dinner, bathing Lilly and putting her to bed.
It's just so hard to reconcile with what I know.
And I know more.
On one of these helpful afternoons, after running to the pharmacy to pick up Lilly's meds, he'd collected her from school and then came over to pack her bag to stay over. A job that's normally taken for granted as mine as well as pharmacy runs to get her prescriptions. They'd just left when I noticed his iPhone smack in the middle of the kitchen counter.
Last time I checked his phone he'd screen locked it as always but he'd changed his pass-code. This time it had no screen lock.
He called me sounding a bit frantic and told me he thought he'd left his phone behind. He said he thought it was next to the mail on the hall table. I told him I was upstairs working but I'd go look
"hmm can’t see it..." I say.
"Oh here it is under a catalogue!'
Just where I put it after forwarding a heady bare-all email exchange between him and Angela. I deleted that from his sent items then from the trash folder before moving the phone from the conspicuous place he'd left it to where he’d opened the mail. During which time my heart was trying to bust out of my ribcage and my pulse was banging in my ears as I fully expected him to turn around and come back for it.
My poor dog, even though I hadn’t uttered a word, was cowering in a corner, wall eyed and shaking. Dogs are sensitive, but their noses know. I must have had adrenaline oozing from my pores.
I tell him; ‘I'll drop it round - I was just about to go to the store anyway.'
‘Oh thanks! I just got Lilly settled. You’re such a sweetheart’ he says.
‘I know.’ I reply with a girly giggle.
So She was on his email but also on messages; loving exchanges from besotted lovers, missing each other terribly. But also were exchanges with Jess, Cora, Tabitha (Stevens? He's Bewitched?) and Victoria, all of whom have pending dates with him. He asks Victoria a favour; not to tag him on Face Book while they're out, because his 'ex is sensitive about him dating beautiful women'.
Well I truly don't give a rats beyond the fact that it speaks volumes about how far I can (not) trust this man, but I'm sure his fiancée would be 'sensitive about him dating beautiful women', while she’s busy divorcing her husband to set up house with him.
This sent me into the worst tail-spin. But not for the obvious reasons. The ones most people would expect.
I felt that him returning to himself meant the real him was still there and he could be the father to Lilly that he should be - that he used to be. Worthy of her trust and love.
And selfishly I thought, thank God, I can stop looking over my shoulder, checking bank accounts and hacking into the one’s I’m not supposed to know about or how to get into.
I thought, we can split in a nicer more civil way than fighting it out in court, mud-slinging and muck-raking before a judge.
It’s hard putting on a Daddy’s the hero face my baby, so as not to rob them of their relationship, when He has found so many ways to take me to hell and leave me there without a map.
Smack down! I spent a miserable night teetering on an emotional ledge with a dear friend talking me down. What a sad sack; sitting in a bar on my own, dressed to the nines, snivelling over my phone and the nice caring messages coming through.
Anyway it took twelve long hours but I climbed up off the mat, hauled myself up on the ropes and I’m on my feet again.
Tonight again it happened, only this time the phone was left unattended before our ‘big talk’.
More of the same: but Jess is missing out on seeing him because his imaginary boss is sending him to London on business…
Honestly if I didn’t know what I know, I would be elated over the changes in him. He even told me tonight that he wants me to have access to the offshore shares account, so I can see what “we have” that we’re ok. He said he’s going to give me the passwords and log-in details so I can see everything.
Of course he doesn’t know I already have them and I’ve already checked. But let’s see what happens there.
These discussions and his revelations about his feelings about us as a family, about me and what am amazing woman I am (Angela gets the same accolade). Confessions of his guilt, talk about his illness and his recovery are just so hard to reconcile with what I know he’s doing behind my back.
It’s completely surreal; my marriage has become a Dali painting, just not as valuable or desirable.