Sunday, November 9, 2014

Reality Check

..never was and never will be.
You don't know how you've betrayed me.
And somehow you've got everybody fooled.

Without the mask, where will you hide?
Can't find yourself lost in your lie.

I know the truth now,
I know who you are,
And I don't love you anymore.

It never was and never will be.
You don't know how you've betrayed me.
And somehow you've got everybody fooled.

Evanescence - Everybody's Fool

He writes; 'I believe in honesty, that's why I like you'
She writes; 'yes, that's why I like you too.x'

Honesty? Hello people?  He's telling her he's employed and separated and that he's been in a really good place personally, for the past couple of months. When he’s been in a locked mental health unit.

She's so honest that she's cheated on and planning more cheating not only on her husband but her kids who think she loves their daddy.
I re-read their encyclopaedia of lust to ground myself. Also familiarity breeds contempt so I'm working on getting to that stage of numbness.

Her type is always huge - it's disconcerting: doesn’t she notice it's several sizes larger than his?
She asks; 'how are you with DIY?’

He writes;
'DIY I do it when it’s needed, but not necessarily my idea of fun I must admit.'

Bollocks! He’s broken my jig-saw and removed a chunk out of my best chisel, bent my hammer.. I wear the tool belt in this family and I have forbidden him from touching my tools because he breaks them.  I guess it’s much sexier not to admit his boring uncultured, blogging, sewing wife does all the home maintenance, renovates, repairs the fences, puts up shelves, builds swings and picket gates, while he watches football.

Excuse me for being a bit snarky and bitchy here, but I see messages where he’s said things about Lilly and how wonderful she is and Angela is checking my baby out of Facebook while he plays Father-of-the Year to get  into this woman’s good books (and back into her knickers). It makes my blood boil. He used to be father of the year, for six months he neglected her badly so to use her like this is appalling.

She writes  ‘I just wanted to say that I'll pay you back in some way for the calls - realise calling an overseas mobile isn't cheap but its difficult  for me to call given situation and your number appearing on the bill. He doesn't look, I mean I sort that stuff anyway, but you never know. I'll treat you to a lovely meal when we meet

That explains the $500 per month for his mobile. That’s a lot of food Angela.  And this is why Lilly and I are economising; why we count plates at the Sushi Train to keep the bill under $45.

He replies gallantly: 
 ‘you can treat me with spending a week-end with me when we meet again... That would be the best present.’

Well buster, that doesn’t feed your child at home. But this is all so out of character, he’s using words like “Brill” and buying ripped up skinny jeans and combat fatigues and to match her sunglasses. Really? I remember having to talk him out of a navy blazer with gold buttons!

He writes:
 ‘Hey- I need to mention something bec you might think what the hell.
on my FB timeline in April it shows a relationship status 'Married' and 'ln a relationship'.
What it is is I tries [stet] to update my profile to Separated but I fucked up and it posted the same rel status as before.
Anyway, just to be clear, I am separated (& technically still married) more importantly totally disconnected from ex.  I have told you the truth, you know it, and so did
you, I know it.’

Funny the day before he met her he held me and cried like a baby and said her was sorry for everything. That explains why he couldn’t look me in the eye for months after their little tryst, but not why he insisted on us having sessions with a marriage counsellor for the following months.  What do they say about liars over qualifying?

All these little excerpts are peppered with nauseating declarations of love, snippets of email sex and links to songs ‘that were written for them!!!’ 
He writes:
I love you like I’ve NEVER loved anyone before.’  
He quotes Shakespeare.  
She developes a case of mentionitis over my Lilly that I find hideous. 
She’s into selfies so he reciprocates and many of his were taken in our home. 
She’s often; "justin nipping out for a fag' classy lady.

The real rub is this; 
 ‘[yours truly] is really a nice person, kind, generous, etc. but now I realise that we are actually very different. I like art, museums, cultural experiences, Woody Allen, Milan Kundera, music concerts. She likes sewing, blogging, Start Trek,[stet] Robert Ludlum. You get the idea.’

When I read that spin on who I am and what he’s reduced me to-  it makes my stomach knot. The only thing on his list that isn’t on mine is Woody Allen (because I can’t get past that he’s a depressing pervert) and he's never finished that one Kundera book he bought, not even got past the first chapters. But that’s beside the point; If that’s all Captain Cultured & Romantic sees when he looks at me then it's official - he’s a complete imbecile.

Anyway that’s enough ugly reality checks for tonight- I’ll put this rubbish away for a long while I think; a little bit goes a long way.

Back the present: where, for now, things are calm and he’s being less destructive even helpful and supportive, in ways that count, and he’s being a way better father to Lilly than he was. 

I just wonder what the fallout will be for her when he leaves her again.



  1. Reality checks are awesome. They can feel massively suckworthy, that's why I called that pile of tinder a ladder, but I have found the universe to have wonderful timing that when I start to dwell in the "this life is all too hard" space that it manages to find a way to put a big neon arrow over something that points out the other option, not leaving, would have been harder.

    Honestly, his on again off again attention with Lilly can't do good things for her but from what I have read you have set her up with professional support and you will be her foundation when it all crumbles down again. The only side step might be suing for sole custody but to say that's going to make a divorce bitter, messy and remove any level of civility on his behalf would be an understatement and one that is not necessarily going to minimise damage for her either, different not necessarily less. In this case I would keep a very open dialogue with her psych support your combined knowledge of her and her personal big red buttons are likely give you permission to protect her where necessary. Here's me crossing everything that he just follows his lust and moves half the world a way thus only seeing her a few times a year in person but able to have regular "virtual" contact.

    Best Wishes

    1. Ah Belinda, wisdom born of pain huh. Yes all this playing happy families is confusing the poor poppet. She sees us not fighting and getting along so well and she asks him to stay over.. very awkward.
      She doesn’t know we're both faking it - I'm sure he thinks it's just him faking it, or maybe he just has several personalities now? I don’t really understand where this is coming from as you'll read in the next instalment. :0/
      I've been playing games with him, reminiscing- lamenting the lack of Jazz Clubs, good galleries and live theatre. I’m Face Book posting works of my favourite photographers and quotes from my favourite authors and films. (sans Start Trek )
      All the tastes he tells her I lack in my boring, blogging housewife self. I’m reminding him who I am and his reactions are interesting; like a human experiment. So this is how I manage to interact with him amicably knowing what I know is going on behind my back. In a way I’m also disarming him and he’s letting his guard down - getting sloppy.
      But yes, I’ll have to keep Lilly’s psych on hand and a new kitten is helping to distract her.
      Thanks again for your heartfelt and supportive comments, they are most welcome right now.

  2. How hard for all of you. It's a relief that you are no longer living in fear and that he is more on hand with you and your daughter but it's definitely not going to be easy for her when he does inevitably leave again.

  3. Thanks for checkin in again Kirsty, it is a relief that although tht roller-coaster ride isnt finished, the hills and dips are less alarming.
    As for the fallout when he leaves again, yes I'm bracing myself for that one.