We had a blow-up this morning. In light of my recent discoveries and reading blow-by blow Angela’s agony over his illness. Her outpourings of love eternal. Her moments of joy and feelings of closeness in finally meeting or communicating with his family.
Then His continued messages of ‘family’ love and syrupy platitudes by text wound me up so tight I guess it only took him to miss a promised skype session with Lilly to explode. We called and we called, I messaged twice and still he wouldn’t answer.
I sent him a message that basically told him, comments like:“I know it’s hard doing things on your own atm (and the moment)” was a pretty lame way of describing the best part of a year being a single parent. I finished with I KNOW pretty much everything. Don’t ever forget that woman you married is as intuitive as she is intelligent.
So in answer to his numerous return calls and texts I wrote this:
I couldn't talk this morning - I was driving with the girls in the car to class.
This is very tough stuff to write about but here goes;
It wasn't about you’re not answering your phone this morning (although you mentioned you have another phone we don't have the number of) it's about your leading a double life while you talk about missing us in front of Lilly .
She's getting terribly confused and you need to manage her expectations.
You say your relationship with Angela isn't serious- but between what I read on your phone and the hospital staff mentions of 'your partner' calling and visiting- seems it's very serious and you know what? Good for you.
But we didn't get a chance to discuss the others here i.e. Victoria of the "please don't tag me on FB when we're together because my ex is sensitive about me going out with beautiful women" well at this point I think Angela would be far more sensitive than I am.
What hurts is that you still seem incapable of honest disclosure. That your moral compass points south these days and I have no idea where you left your conscience.
How can you possibly try to lead us on like this? Telling me how lonely you are when you've apparently built yourself a stable full of 'companions'.
And for God's sake Please don’t use the old 'we're just good friends' cliché:
I had to change your sheets when you left on the last trip. And I put your stash of condoms in the new bedroom drawers I installed for you.
Lilly can never find out any of this.
Like I said during our last discussion, I will do anything in my power to keep tabs and find out where the next king hit is coming from and how it will likely effect Lilly - and my ability to take care of her.
For my own sanity I would rather not know what you're really up to or with whom - it's excruciatingly painful and damaging. The sense of betrayal feels like a weight crushing me.
But I don't have the luxury of ignorance - as of March this year I was forced into the position of emotional anchor and guardian for our baby- and right when mine turned into an angry destructive stranger.
I will make sure she comes through this unscathed and she will maintain a loving relationship with you - until such time as she gets older and may or may not work things out for herself. When she’s mature enough to make up her own mind about all that has and is happening now.
I appreciate how far you've come and the positive changes in you - the genuine help and support you’ve given most recently. And it sure makes things easier being able to discuss things calmly with you without fearing your temper.
I want us to be friends - we can be good at that and it will make co-parenting and/or family visits over there easier on everyone.
More importantly it will be better for Lilly- we don't want this wonderful little light of a human being turning into a messed up angry kid, because we couldn't keep it together and keep it nice.
So that's my £50 worth.
Speak to you soon
I’m sure when I stop feeling so pissed off I will feel relieved to get this off my chest.
But it was one helluva start to the day. Before we left to pick up Lilly’s friend (it was my turn to car pool) the car wouldn’t start. To cut a long story short, I’ve had to call someone to replace the car battery, half a tree fell on that guys van which, after he managed to drive out from under it trapped our newly functioning car in our carport. So then I had to call emergency services and the rangers too. All while I had two girls inside trashing the house.
But last night I had a moment of reprieve. A little bubble of fun and escape from my chaotic life..
I had a date!
A proper one; with a man.
A tall, witty, charming, sexy, intelligent man.
Pretty sure he thinks I’m the cat’s whiskers too.
We shall see.