Saturday, December 13, 2014

Another Letter

We had a blow-up this morning. In light of my recent discoveries and reading blow-by blow Angela’s agony over his illness. Her outpourings of love eternal. Her moments of joy and feelings of closeness in finally meeting or communicating with his family.

Then His continued messages of ‘family’ love and syrupy platitudes by text wound me up so tight I guess it only took him to miss  a promised skype session with Lilly to explode. We called and we called, I messaged twice and still he wouldn’t answer.

I sent him a message that basically told him, comments like:“I know it’s hard doing things on your own atm (and the moment)” was a pretty lame way of describing the best part of a year being a single parent. I finished with I KNOW pretty much everything. Don’t ever forget that woman you married is as intuitive as she is intelligent.

So in answer to his numerous return calls and texts I wrote this:

I couldn't talk this morning - I was driving with the girls in the car to class.
This is very tough stuff to write about but here goes;

It wasn't about you’re not answering your phone this morning (although you mentioned you have another phone we don't have the number of) it's about your leading a double life while you talk about missing us in front of Lilly .  

She's getting terribly confused and you need to manage her expectations.

You say your relationship with Angela isn't serious- but between what I read on your phone and the hospital staff mentions of 'your partner' calling and visiting- seems it's very serious and you know what? Good for you. 

But we didn't get a chance to discuss the others here i.e. Victoria of the "please don't tag me on FB when we're together because my ex is sensitive about me going out with beautiful women" well at this point I think Angela would be far more sensitive than I am. 

What hurts is that you still seem incapable of honest disclosure. That your moral compass points south these days and I have no idea where you left your conscience. 
How can you possibly try to lead us on like this? Telling me how lonely you are when you've apparently built yourself a stable full of 'companions'. 

And for God's sake Please don’t use the old 'we're just good friends' cliché: 

I had to change your sheets when you left on the last trip. And I put your stash of condoms in the new bedroom drawers I installed for you.

Lilly can never find out any of this.

 Like I said during our last discussion, I will do anything in my power to keep tabs and find out where the next king hit is coming from and how it will likely effect Lilly - and my ability to take care of her. 

For my own sanity I would rather not know what you're really up to or with whom - it's excruciatingly painful and damaging. The sense of betrayal feels like a weight crushing me.

But I don't have the luxury of ignorance - as of March this year I was forced into the position of emotional anchor and guardian for our baby- and  right when mine turned into an angry destructive stranger.

I will make sure she comes through this unscathed and she will maintain a loving relationship with you - until such time as she gets older and may or may not work things out for herself. When she’s mature enough to make up her own mind about all that has and is happening now.

I appreciate how far you've come and the positive changes in you - the genuine help and support you’ve given most recently. And it sure makes things easier being able to discuss things calmly with you without fearing your temper. 

I want us to be friends - we can be good at that and it will make co-parenting and/or family visits over there easier on everyone. 

More importantly it will be better for Lilly- we don't want this wonderful little light of a human being turning into a messed up angry kid, because we couldn't keep it together and keep it nice.

So that's my £50 worth.
Speak to you soon

I’m sure when I stop feeling so pissed off I will feel relieved to get this off my chest. 

But it was one helluva start to the day. Before we left to pick up Lilly’s friend (it was my turn to car pool) the car wouldn’t start. To cut a long story short, I’ve had to call someone to replace the car battery, half a tree fell on that guys van which, after he managed to drive out from under it trapped our newly functioning car in our carport. So then I had to call emergency services and the rangers too.  All while I had two girls inside  trashing the house.

But last night I had a moment of reprieve. A little bubble of fun and escape from my chaotic life..
 
I had a date!

A proper one; with a man.

A tall, witty, charming, sexy, intelligent man.
Pretty sure he thinks I’m the cat’s whiskers too.
  
 We shall see.

3 comments:

  1. Angry is good.. angry is helpful.. angry is energy held back. You let it fly back to where it needed to be, so I hope the weight of his lies feels like has been lifted from your life at this point.

    Good on you for trying to keep his eye on the fact his actions have consequences for Lilly I can only hope that he is capable of keeping her in his priorities.

    Highest hopes for your lovely distraction. Nothing quite like making the space to do something positive for your self to ensure you don't hit mumma burnout.

    Kind Regards
    Belinda

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  2. Hi Belinda,
    lovely to hear from you again and as always - sage advice & a very wise perspective. It is hard to keep my eyes open- he's a master at weaving a fairytale - but during his visits now he frequently takes sneaky peeks at his phone & if I get close it's slipped into his trouser pocket- so yes, he's still hiding things despite all of the assurances of honesty and disclosure - and wanting his family & me back.

    My 2nd date I'm afraid turned into a bit of an interrogation- I don't know what happened to the guy? It felt like a job interview going wrong (I always do well in interviews). I spent most of the time on the defensive: it was very odd. My friends have a theory that he liked me a bit too much so was on a mission to find fault or sabotage - well perhaps that answers the question as to why he's 49 and never been married or even engaged. Next.. Or maybe not - men really piss me off with their antics at the moment.
    If we don't touch base before I wish you the most wonderful Christmas & New Year - you're a very nice warm caring person & you deserve the very best life can send your way.
    Xo

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  3. :-) Thank you,

    I have to say the idea of the dating scene, no nights off over here, freaks me out a little. People who are single at this point in life generally come with very significant baggage and since I spent 11 years putting an other persons emotion needs before mine I'm pretty big on not ending up there again :-) That said there is part of my heart that yearns to be part of the equal partnership that I thought I entered but never found. I am sure there will be a path through somewhere but I honestly have more pressing life needs to work out before I am going to be open to anything along those lines.

    I hope you have a safe and calm festive season too. May 2015 bring your new life into sparkling reality.

    Light and Love
    Belinda

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