Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Leave me Alone

 Natalie Imbruglia - Leave Me Alone
You like me to stroke you, careful I don't choke you
Did you read my mind?
You say, "Don't be blue", is that the best you can do?
I've lost my patience now

Oh, leave me alone
 
Stop asking for more
I'm going home on my own
Oh, leave me alone
 
I'm walking out of the door
I'll make it on my own
 
Leave me alone
Just leave me alone...



With all the text messages and FaceTime, 'I miss my girls' 'I miss you' and 'I cant wait to be home with my family...I have to admit - I was getting confused.  
Even after all this heartache, I confess my head was being turned- just a little.  

So my better more sensible self, the one that ties a red rag around her head and chants; “He drew first blood” told me to go look for more clues. 

Clues as to what the hell is going on:
Is he really recovering? 
Has he actually had a change of heart now the meds have kicked in properly? 
Is he really in London only looking at his options in the absence of employment over here?  
 Does he really want to stay here and put his family back together?  
Is Angela just a mistake of his illness he wants to put behind him? 
Do I want that too?

No,

No,

No,

No, 

NO!

and a big fat, NO!

So first I checked his secret bank account:
Before he left he spent up big at Victoria’s Secret at the airport, having already hit some womens’ only shoe store…
After sending me this message “I really want to come home now, be with you and Lilly. I miss you both” he went and bought a ticket to go visit Angela – I googled the hotel on the statement and it looks really nice. Lovely pool.

After checking the bank statements I went into his storage unit and found, quite easily, the latest episodes in the hard-copy edition of Their Love Story.

She was apparently at the hospital everyday while he was in intensive care. She worried i might come over with Lilly, She spoke with his brother Daniel. She emailed His mother and father almost daily. She worried about someone letting his employer know he was in hospital (oh you poor delusional woman – he still  hasnt told you the truth..)

She mentions her surprise (and obvious pride) at being listed as his next-of-kin!!!!  She’s surprised! That better not filter down onto the life insurance and will - over my dead body!

And still the messages of love and assurance come our way. Confusing Lilly, making me choke on my gall. 

What is he up to? What is there to gain from keeping me on the hook? From convincing both Lilly and myself that we’re all going to be a proper family again? He must have an end game. I know now that he’s the sort of monkey that cannot let go of one branch before he gets hold of another. I also know he hates being on his own. Maybe that’s always been the case?

But I have a feeling there’s more to it than that. 
Maybe it’s the financial settlement he’s postponing? Well tough. With what I know he’s not changing countries while we’re still joined at the financial hip – no way known.

You know, I have this overwhelming urge to blow the lid of this whole sorry saga.
Tell all parties the truth; throw in everyone’s chips and let them land where they may.

But I won’t.
I will be smart. I will protect Lilly’s future and that means keeping all of this to myself. Until I've got him to, while he's in 'we are family' mode, make out a proper will and given me hard copies of my beneficiary status on his life insurance and retirement policies. I will keep my counsel until I get my day in court. He and his lawyer won’t have any defence because they won’t see me coming.

My revenge for this layer cake of betrayal, that Lilly is being fed slices of too, will be success and independence.

He says to her in one of his recent love-mails: “I know you better in 6.5 months than I know [my wife] in 14 years…’   Obviously..

But whose fucking fault is that?!


7 comments:

  1. Oh, my, what a road.It must be impossible to fathom what is the truth.
    I remember listening to Marianne Faithfull's 'Why'd Ya Do It?' on repeat. It's delightfully vicious xxx

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    1. I just listened to it! Thanks Bele - this is certainly a mind-fcuk, reading Angela's stuff....pepperd with calls from him saying how much he misses us. And everyday I wonder why he wont just let go of this branch and swing on the other; bugger off once and for all and stop picking at the bones of our relationship. Like Natalie says: Just Leave me alone..
      PS I mentioned I wouldnt be home tonight for Face Time with Lilly - the babysitter was coming and I got the Spanish Inquisition!! From Cassanova himself!

      thanks for looking in on my crazy insane reality show
      xx

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  2. Ahh sweet,

    Congrats on digging deep and following those misgivings. Either he is a whole lot more sick than any of his professional help, much of this behaviour more than borders on sociopathic, is giving him credit for or yes he has one very soul denting end game he wants to play.

    Please keep your guard up and your resolve strong. Make sure there is no way on this planet he can financially strip you or have him end up with sole custody of Lilly. Some of the groundwork he seemed to be laying with your combined friends earlier, sowing seeds of you being mentally unwell, suggested he might try for custody (big accusation on little evidence I know but my concern is going there).

    It could be just that he at this point is a highly controlling and manipulative personality who is having difficulty with just how well you are doing after the breakup, from the evidence here you are confused but doing an absolutely cracking job. Thus is trying to find a chink that will make you falter and beg him to come home giving him the power to be able to hurt you again.

    In all honestly I hope you never know because it sounds like you are going to have all the domino's set up in a row to crash in a heap at his feet at your say so.

    Best Wishes
    Belinda

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    1. Thank you Belinda you are awesome. He is actually quite partial to controlling and manipulative behaviour (is that my sister I hear coughing up her wine?). I have my bases covered financially. That was a worry for a while. So far he’s been quite clean on the money to his credit, but I’ve warned him I won’t take any chances. I’m leaning towards your latter theory at this point. He seems excessively worried all of a sudden, that I might start seeing someone. In my experience cheaters have always been the most jealous people.
      I love your comments, you have so much insight, it does me good to read them. Thank you so very much.

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    2. PS: not a snowball's chance in hell he could get custody of Lilly. And I still have her passport hidden. xo

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  3. oh my! Break ups are so horrible when they are drawn out. Your strength is showing though. You are doing this and you are doing it well. It is admirable how you are aiming to look after yourself and your daughter. You do need to batten down the hatches and protect yourselves. Hugs.

    Thanks for sharing your story with #thankfulthursday xS

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    1. Thank you Sarah,
      I'm struggling with it especially this week- Christmas is such a heavily emotionally loaded time. And a busy one so not much published here since, but I'm taking notes. The roller coaster ride continues as do the deceptions, but coming back here & re reading my diary helps to keep my feet on the ground.
      Thanks for dropping by with some much needed encouragement
      Xo

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