Thursday, January 15, 2015


Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
To seize everything you ever wanted. One moment
Would you capture it? or just let it slip?

After 14 years I am finally really getting to know the man I married.
His job, what he does is everything to him. Because outside of his paid occupation he has no goals, no aspirations, no dreams or passions.

The only dream he ever talked about was owning an old bookstore. An odd ambition because he's not at all passionate about reading. When he buys books, He only chooses books with literary kudos with which he fails to engage and inevitably leaves unfinished. So - a bookstore...

Seems he's gone through life with interests but no passions, nothing that gives him joy, that he can't wait to do or get back to.

I'm starting to agree with his earlier claims that we have very little in common.

I played him Eminem's Lose Yourself which is a wrap song about seizing your chance rather than choking when your opportunity comes.
There's a line in the song that says "Success is my only motherf*#king option-failure's not" that I find incredibly motivating.
He was shocked at my take on it. He told me that line was more terrifying than motivating.

Therein lies the gulf between us.

Now I just need him to go to England. I need space away from him to break my old habits of hanging around waiting for him to decide where he will be happy, what it is that can make him happy.

He won't ever step outside of his own head, but I can't stay in there with him a minute longer.

I need to work on new habits of getting things done, following my dreams and passions and shaping those into a way to support us financially. And setting that example for our little girl.

I need head space to be creative and create a new life - and that will happen a lot easier without his overwhelming negative and pervasive presence.

We discussed one night my passion for real estate, restoration, architecture and photography. How my keen eye for detail (obsessive compulsive tendencies) could be useful in property management and photography. Instantly he's talking about it probably being too competitive. I say, "why are so many people getting paid to do a bad job then?"  (I have researched this.)

But working for myself, dictating my own hours means I can keep working on writing - my dream to get that novel finished, published. 

But to him that's the biggest longshot of all.

Always with him it's: too hard, too competitive, too out there, you don't have experience; best find someone who will pay you a salary...

Because he lacks the passion and initiative to do otherwise. He doesn't have it in him to just 'decide to' and be driven and persistent in making the attempt.

Doubt killed more dreams than failure ever did.

Maybe my dream is a longshot, but I will take that shot.
Most of my life has been a series of long-shots and I've worked far worse odds to my favour.


  1. Good on you for aiming for what might be a longshot.

    I'm very risk adverse but I am also very well aware it is to my detriment.

    As I am pretty sure you have had massively underlined in the last 12 months life doesn't wait for you to be ready.. if it's a life plan that speaks to your soul throw your energy at it. The worst that could happen is you learn it's not what you think it would be and you rethink and re-aim.

    Try not to let him have that power. I know the habit's of years of marriage are tough ruts to budge but you are strong enough, I know you are. See if there is a local peer based business startup mentoring group that could support you to take those first few steps into following your passions where you feel they will be most productive. That idea doesn't work for you think hard about if there is anyone in your friendship group that is on a similar path with regard to following their passions and see if you could meet regularly and brainstorm whilst keeping each other on track and accountable. I know once you succeed in the first few steps you are just going to fly. Find a way to do what you need to do to give yourself permission to take off..

    Best Wishes

    1. Thank you Belinda, as always sage advice and a big helping of comfort and encouragement. He's away at the moment so things are calm but I'm only just back from a family visit - I need to catch up on my sleep and dive into this.

      I'm still checking bank accounts and well if he doesnt come home with gifts from Tiffany's and Guess, I will certainly have a good indication on the levels he's reaching on the bullsh1t-ometer. :0)

      You are so right about the habits of years of marrriage being touch ruts to budge (well put) it is so easy when he's being so much like his old self to believe him.. But his bank account contains some interesting detail, and even if the recent legal fees paid into his family lawyers' account are innocently relating to old business, it's just a reminder of what's gone down and how easily some more nasties, could. I need to keep my head in the game - I need to keep reminding myself of what he's capable of.