Friday, January 30, 2015

Who Moved that Mistletoe?




He's a mess, more his normal temperament but just getting nowhere with this professional- mid-life-existential crisis he's been in for many years. 
Someone must have moved the mistletoe because His relaxed charm wore thin towards the end of our friends' stay. 
Perhaps he asked for advice and it wasn’t the advice he wanted.  
He has that tendency.

During one of our heavy discussions I pulled him up on recent lies and his re-working of our history. I threw logic in his face and he didn’t like it. He left telling me he was looking for support not criticism. I told him he's had nothing but support for 14 years and especially the last four and how has that helped him?  
Or me?
I told him he needs honesty more.

There's also his 'other relationship' muddying the waters. While our friends were staying with me, he made such an effort- and spent a lot of time with me talking through all the awful and out-of-control stuff he'd done to me-to Lilly and others. He was so much like his old sweet, deep-thinking and lovely self he almost convinced me that we still had a chance.

Almost.

He's still wearing her ring. 
That's my barometer of their relationship. 
She wouldnt know if he were wearing it or not: so I assume it means something to him to maintain that connection with her. Despite all the hints (not actual confirmation) that he's trying to extract himself from that relationship. 

So I understand now- he's content to leave me on the hook and in limbo for another few years and quite honestly, I don’t see an end to his dysfunction. He's still looking for the answers in his own head; if they weren’t in there before they certainly won’t magically appear now.

His father never sought help and therefore never sorted out his life,  likewise his mother just limped along in hers albeit functioning and acheiving somewhat better than his father... 
Well I'm done being a martyr and a crutch: it's not the example I want Lilly to grow up with. 

I think his problem choosing between me and Angela is this: The fact I'm a package deal with his daughter makes me an attractive prospect, but on the down-side I hold up a mirror to him whereas his girlfriend/ fiancĂ©e holds up the flattering, flawless portrait he's painted of himself. So ego-self-esteem votes have to go  her way. 

Lilly and I were both of us often trying to make him lighten up after his one of his mood changes. She clearly feels it in him and it's not healthy for her to tread on egg-shells for no good reason.

Heavy talks continue, me nearly in tears last night- getting mighty fed up with the whole lets-see-how-long-we-can-drag-it-out saga.

He's hopeless: busting his arse trying to get another job doing what he's been hating and saying he must get out of for four years... 
He can rationalise anything to mask his own lack of initiative & mental discipline. Which is why he started smoking again while he was still in recovery from spending a month with his lungs being worked and cleaned by an ECMO machine.

Idiot. 

Professionally, I wonder if big money defines his worth, because he's deep down feeling he should have done something more altruistic - something he can be passionate about. 
We had talked about alternatives: even living separately, with our low overheads and perhaps both of us working he could do something more fun albeit paid less... It came out then, how it's hard for him to let go of the big salary.

When I brought that up the following day he denied saying it!

Extraordinary.



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