isn’t fatal, but failure to change might be”
Hey, can you keep it down? I'm trying to reinvent myself over here.
How do you rebuild yourself, your life, your career when someone is doing your head in on a daily basis?
I read a passage on another blog it was written by the spouse of a depressed person and my God it resonated. It spoke about this person's constant worry and stress making them over-think and play out every possible outcome before making a decision.
I have been living with this for years and it's exhausting. Buying our first home; that decision took months and the Pendulum kept swinging back and forth, back and forth; each day a reversal of the previous decision. And in the final moments of any decision, there always comes the Devils Advocate Sabotage stage. It was the same with buying our current home and his decision to propose.
This playing out of every possible outcome can go to the most extreme levels and when you're being relied upon to listen and try to straighten out this twisted exaggerated mental projecting well, it can send you nuts.
So I guess you re wondering where we're at that I have resumed my role as the resident therapist? Well happily we are in a better place in many ways: He's his normal self,he's helping out doing more of the heavy lifting parentally speaking.
He's very engaged with and enjoying many lovely moments with Lilly, but he's at our house every evening and all weekend.
After Lilly's in bed we 'Talk'. About his job offer in London, will he take it? Yes he should! No maybe he shouldn't. I sometimes politely ask how the Girl Friend's divorce is going; badly apparently - her husband is becoming violent and child services have been knocking. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy.
He's uncertain about their relationship, but also 'projecting if he leaves here that it could become very serious and have an impact on the future for himself and his time with Lilly. He doesn't know if that's what he wants...Sheesh. At this point I said why don't you factor in possible lottery winnings too. He wasn't impressed, but I'm losing patience here.
I accept that nothing is certain, he looks for certainty before he can move and it drives him nuts that he cant have it. I will take a chance, after the requisite pros and cons list, I just look at the options work out the odds and decide to try.
But then failure doesn't hold the terror for me that it does him.
I have failed many times and it never killed me.
Well that one time it almost did, but even that I recovered from.
But all this means he can not turn off; he remains constantly in his head, over thinking everything.Looking for and creating monsters.
His depression and bipolarity is well and truly under control now, these are structural issues.
Many of the projections come from his own damaged upbringing. His battle with decision making has always been the most incredibly painful process. And this decision to leave Lilly and go and work off-shore is a tough one, but it's reversible. We've exhausted alternatives, lets just try. Many father's go off and work on oil rigs, in war zones; it's not forever.
I have given him my solemn word that I will let him see Lilly at every opportunity even if it means two 26 hour plane trips every school holidays.
How can I not? She loves him to pieces and if this is what's best for him, it will be best for her and I'm resolved to make it work for them.
I have seen what happens to him when he's out of work and can’t find another job (or starts a bad one) and it's not pretty. Thats how we landed here in the first place.
We've lived on savings for a year and that's not sustainable. But more importantly is that he needs to rebound, personally and professionally (in his family those two are intrinsic to one another).
Lilly cannot be the only thing in his life: it will be too much for her, it will stifle her.
She needs an strong father who knows what he wants and where he’s going. Not a needy one who’s existence evolves around her showing him love, her achievements and good manners.
Sometimes he spirals over his belief that she’s bottling things up. He questions her about it and that makes me cringe. Her psychologist, after many sessions and much testing, insists she’s very well adjusted and has developed some exceptional coping skills in adjusting to her changed family circumstances.
Still he is sure even though she seems happy 'she must be hiding stuff inside'. She’s not – but I know someone who is; has for years.
We woke her up one night recently yelling at each other. He was spiralling over this again and saying he wanted to take her to see someone else- get a second opinion. (Beyond that of three teachers and a highly recommended child psychologist.) I asked him what he thought she would think of him taking her to another doctor to be examined. She understands what this is about – she’s going to assume she’s behaving badly or doing something wrong to be taken to yet another doctor.
I wouldn't even take her back to the GP to chat so we could get another referral for that same reason. Better to pay the odd bill in full, than have her have to sit with another Doctor being asked 'how she's feeling about things.'
It’s too much pressure for a little girl. As her teacher told me recently; “this is nothing against him as a father, but he is so lost and I think she needs a bit of space from that.”
So I don’t know what is the point of this rant tonight – it’s late, but he left an hour ago and I was so wound up, I had to pour out my feelings and frustrations here.
Writing here keeps me sane and an hour ago I could have thrown something through a window.
In my weaker moments I wonder what I did to deserve this? Mostly I wonder how long I can continue to live in limbo - it's coming on four years now...
Well here's a little quote for me to keep me going: