Tuesday, July 7, 2015

No Man's Land

Romance. Or rather a lack thereof.
I'm quite ambivalent about it actually.

I've made friends with a male single parent I met at after school care.  I kind of had a crush on him at the beginning of the year, but that comes and goes.

We got into conversation one time about the difficulties of dating when you're a single parent. He told me he'd been told by a woman he'd taken out that she was 'used to be chased' and he obviously hadn't.  He felt sorry that he didn't have 'the bandwidth' to chase anyone no matter how nice they were.
So we swapped stories a bit; he has way more than I do - he's been doing it alone for longer. 

I dipped my toe in the water of online dating late last year when I was missing guy company. It resulted in a load of nightly texts from a guy who only messaged about my impending seduction  - hey dude I have this enormous erogenous zone between my ears - stimulate that why don't you? 
After that came two dog walks with a guy who showed promise for a while, and another guy who gave one really good date and one disaster .

But I always felt pressure when I was asked 'when can I see you?'.  That last date was truly a catastrophe and a waste of $60 for the baby-sitter. Not to mention the stress of getting ready and out of the house on time trying to arrive looking 'hot', but instead feeling hot and flustered and distracted. Then to face The Spanish Inquisition.

Let me just share my thoughts with you about online dating.
Because of all the information potential partners gain at the outset: in my very limited experience, there's no natural process of getting to know a person, developing something.
Fair enough, if someone is on the clock looking for a breeding partner, they may ask questions of fertility and intention way earlier than they would of someone they met in a bar. 

But the online shoppers seem to have an overwhelming expectation of total disclosure of personal details that just aren't normally anyone's business before a relationship is getting serious. I think it's structural of dating websites - you get so much information up front, it becomes a vetting process and the more information given, the more is wanted.

So my second date, after the first went so well and he was so smitten, went like a bad job interview - seems I was too good to be true and he was going to rake my CV for flaws.
He was in Human Resources after all.
An HR director with a nice smile, terrible name and a suspicious nature, who's never been so much as engaged or shacked-up with anyone at the ripe old age of 49.  I wonder why?

I don't want to go on dates anyway.
I've seen the inside of enough fancy restaurants in my life.
I neither want nor need to be wined and dined or impressed.
I certainly don't need the angst of wondering what 'he' expects after we leave.
I'd rather have good conversation next to a barbecue hanging with a pal, or sharing a bucket of microwave popcorn and a movie at his or mine.
I certainly dont want to move anyone into mine and Lilly's life: I'm not looking for a new father for her, hers is a perfectly lovely one now that he's well again.

So I pulled my account with the online dating site. I'm happier on my own, more than I've ever  been in my life and if I do happen to develop anything with my friend & sometimes crush or anyone else, I know it will be a slow and natural progression to 'friends with benefits'.
I've put my own glass ceiling in place over that scenario - I'm making my own rules now.

I shed my Cinderella Complex when I discovered how marvelously I can rescue myself and how many wonderful friends and family I have, ready to give me a leg up onto my own white horse. 

This is the first time in my life I feel like I don't want a man. What do they say; 'cant live with them not allowed to shoot them..'?

But an occasional shag wouldn't go astray.  <grin>


  1. I love this post. Everything about it perfect and perfectly true. Once a guy sent me an email outlining a day out he had planned for us, including a picnic at the beach and, I don't know, a walk at sunset - it all sounded beautiful but all I felt was a huge wave of exhaustion: but what am I supposed to do with the kid for a whole DAY?

    1. Thanks Jaci
      I know what you mean! I used to get texts saying "what are you doing tonight sexy" who wants to hear, 'trying to survive arsenic hour, followed bath and bed time, read a story then fall in a heap with a glass of wine? nothing 'sexy' in that!

      I know it was supposed to sound romantic, but a teeny bit contrived too? I dont know - my 'crap antennae' seems to be supercharged lately, I cant tell romantic from spin anymore - which is why I'm in no-man-land