Friday, August 21, 2015

Arse Covering

I don't call it snooping.
I call it Covering My Arse. 

And by default Lilly's arse too.

In my last post I didn't mention the return of what I fondly call Sneaky Texting, because that post was all about being positive.
I didn't feel it was the right thread to add bummers into.

Sneaky texting as in sliding the phone into ones pocket with great haste when the other person (me) approaches. Texting on the other side of The Child, and when the other adult (me) looks over angling the screen so as to hide it's content.
Also going into the toilet only to stand in there texting madly (while forgetting to shut the door).
Boy what I wouldn't give to get a look at His phone.
But getting into his email was probably enough.

Why would you do that (?!) you may ask. Because after all that's happened, I have zero trust and I need to know where I (and Lilly) truly stand and where we're likely headed.
Actually that's not entirely true; I did regain some of my trust of him; more than I thought possible.
But then my Crap Antenna shot back up and shortly after the Sneaky Texting started.

He told me months ago, it was over with her.

He was letting it just fizzle out because he didn't have the heart to pull the rug out from under her as her father was terribly ill and the divorce was going so badly.
He told me, it should never have started, it was just the manic episode, and that he obviously didn't feel the same way about her, now that he was well.  But because he'd made such a mess of things he wanted to at least be as supportive as he could through her hard times, and he apologised and hoped I understood.
I genuinely did; it's a bit mean to dump a girl when she's going through a nasty divorce and her dad's dying. Kinder to let the distance take it down river, than throw her overboard.

So his plan, he told me, was to not be involved with anyone for the next six months to give us some space and time, as a sort of family, and see if we still had a chance.

I told him, that while I appreciated his position, after all I've been through, I couldn't conceive of being with anyone at all until I had truly got back up off the mat. I told him I feel incapable of having feelings for anyone, and doubtful would, until I rebuilt myself, my confidence and my Independence.
How can I consider any relationship when I'm still putting the pieces of my self back together? Shit, as rational as I'm feeling-  I'm still suffering from shock even after eighteen months.
It wasn't the answer he wanted but he took it.

He's super jealous; he always was.
When I mention my newer friends he's fine, we talk about the kids at school and their parents but when I mention one in particular I can practically smell something burning.  I have three new Male parent friends; just one is heterosexual and it's getting to the stage I cannot mention him or his child even to Lilly in front of her father -and  Lilly quite likes his child.
Lucky he's never laid eyes on Jack or he'd be really bent out of shape. Annoying, arrogant and opinionated as Jack can often be; there's no denying Jack is, as one school mum described, him; 'hot'.

This week my first husband got in touch through Linked In and offered me some welcome contract writing work for his company. I was quite excited and I mentioned this to Lilly's dad.  Immediately, his lips went tight and I could smell that burning again.
This is my first husband from a six month marriage that was over before I was 23. It's a wellknown fact that he's married (wife number three) to an obstetrician/ gynaecologist who sounds just lovely. But still Lilly's dad is seething.

Now you wont yet see the irony of His obvious jealousy because you haven't been hacking into His email account like I have!  You haven't read their agony of distance and tough choices; reading stuff along the lines of 'Angela, you remain to me what you have always been, my soul-mate, the love of my life and the woman I wanted to spend the rest of my life with... ' He goes on to tell her she's beautiful and a wonderful mother.
And what am I? chopped liver?

But part of me thought after reading just one of these, he's trying to let her down gently, but after reading more I'm thinking he's laying it on a bit too thick to be removing the hook gently from the fishies mouth. 
'I love you, I love you again, I love you always'.  
That hook's not coming out and the line's still attached... 

So today after I read the latest love letters (emails) he arrives to see Lilly and after he puts her to bed, he asks me if I would consider going to see Pollyanna with him to try and sort things out between us.
Excuse me?
I feel its time to confront him about the Sneaky Texting and how it's damaged my trust (again)
He tells me he's just supporting Angela through her troubles and he didn't want to upset me.
Him: 'it's over, we're just friends and as I told you I feel I should support her a bit while she's going through a rough time.' 
(so why try to hide it?)
Me: 'So you don't tell her you love her or anything like that?'
Him: 'no, I don't; I told you, it's not like that'

Then I notice two little Minion pyjama legs on the top stair.

To stop any elaboration on his part I say to her; 'What are you doing out of bed, cheeky?'

After putting her back to bed, he's suddenly keen to leave; He tells me he doesn't think she heard anything.  

Yeah right.
Either he doesn't know her very well either, or denial has become a lifestyle choice.

As far as Jack, Husband #1, or anyone else is concerned, I haven't the bandwidth to consider any possible motives behind anyone's friendship.  Husband #2 has maxed out my download capacity.

I'll just continue playing my cards close to my chest for now, focus on getting my ducks lined up and wait for clarity on all things, to come. I'm in no rush.

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