"What we do does not define who we are.
What defines us is how well we rise after falling."
What would I like for my upcoming birthday?
A nice clean divorce please, if it's not too much trouble.
I got my phone out tonight and thought who can I text? I'm like a pressure cooker with the release valve hissing, spitting, vibrating.
But I wont text anyone, what would I say?
GAAAAAAHHH! That's not very eloquent. Nobody needs that and all the questions it raises.
But I'm reading these emails (love letters) that have continued in frequency and passion way beyond when he told me about his post-near-death-epiphany about how much he wanted his family back.
And yes, apparently I still have the capacity to be shocked, and that's quite shocking in itself.
But why am I surprised?
I had his unlocked phone in my hot little hand after his "I'm home and I'm so, so sorry I've hurt you.." revelations; ugly torturous proof that was the worst kind of bullshit.
That was back in November.
Now I'm at it again.
Because I need to obliterate all traces of the guilt I've been feeling for not wanting to try again.
I did want to in November but reading all that was on that unlocked phone, the remaining pieces of my ravaged heart fell away.
I had a long well timed phone call with my big sister tonight; the support I'm getting from family and friends is still phenomenal and I do need it.
But it's time; this crap needs to stop.
The bullshit idea of dragging me to couples counselling while he's obviously still very much in love with 'his fiancee'? Sorry; we did that already and it was indescribably unpleasant, not to mention a waste of time and money. YOU WERE ENGAGED!
It turns out that he took the option of 6 month x 6 month contracts with his new employer, not because he has another iron in the fire for his dream job; As he tells it to Her - it's for her, a way of rebuilding his career - his self esteem but not committing to anything long term here.
He's quite fond of kicking the can down the road - way easier than taking a decision.
OK - all guilt stains removed - that box has a big red tick.
But jeez I'm pissed (and I'll need another session with Pollyanna to deal with that) he's not just jerking me around in his pathological aversion to decision making; he's messing with Lilly.
She asked him on her sleep over last weekend (after listening to our discussion about Angela) if we are really broken up. He told her we are taking time to try and work things out.
Way to go; father of the year, just when she's settled and dealing well with her new situation, lets dangle some false hope and more uncertainly in front of her.
You heard the child psychologist; Uncertainty creates Anxiety.
As my big sister says; if we were considering truly getting back together- we'd have to be 200 percent committed and with all of the details worked out before we raise her expectations; to do otherwise is just cruel and selfish and ultimately damaging to her.
She doesn't need to be dragged along in the wake of his confusion, indecision and hedging of his bets.
That's what he's doing with me - or trying to - and I'm damaged by it.
God knows he's not acting at all like a man who's right royally fucked up his life and is desperately trying to win back the love of his life. Apparently I'm not the love of his life anymore, Angela is, but to quote someone else who reached their limit; "Frankly my dear I don't give a damn."
Like I said this has to stop.
For me; the Angela affair aside, I cannot live my life with anyone who is so ridiculously afraid and incapable of making decisions. And that has always been the case; from namig the puppy to home purchases, it's always been an enormously painful process for him and the source of most of our arguments.
I also cannot live with someone who's had two monumental wake up calls in their life; been given a real opportunity to make necessary changes and well' just couldn't be arsed.
Exhibit A: who spends three weeks in an intensive care unit, intubated and artificially respirated, having grey sludge pumped out of their no longer functioning lungs only to start back on the fags ten days out of hospital? He was smoking before he was back walking apparently.
Exhibit B: who has a monumental mental breakdown, loses their family and their job and comes out of it dropping therapy, and not turning up for blood tests? I believe we have a court order about that, dude. I'm so sick of the excuses and rationalisations and shrugs of; "I'm fine - I feel good".
Well I'm not going to be his mother or his therapist any longer, and anyway, you absolutely cannot help people who won't help themselves. Lilly's father has demonstrated beyond a doubt that he absolutely will not.
So it's time to sever all financial ties, I want to be at a blissful point wherewhat he's up to is none of my business and it doestn affect Lilly or me.
I'm so done.
Oh and for the record; I categorically will not be anyone's second choice, or consolation prize. even sentimental choice. If he doens know how fabulous he had it with me then he's a bloody fool.
"Sometimes we are forced in directions we ought to have found for ourselves."