Saturday, October 10, 2015

Transparent




I keep wondering if I will reach a point where I can no longer be shocked.

I mean, by now I know what to expect and I do expect the continuation of and accept the way things are; the pointless daily lies and deception, this game playing - but it still shocks the hell out of me.

Will I ever reach a point where I’m not totally appalled by his atrocious lack of morals and conscience?  What does he gain by sneaking around lying his arse off about doing things he has every right to be doing? 

I texted him today in response to his very elaborate explanation (lie) about a restaurant bill on our joint account.
I said this: “you know you really don’t need to tell me who you’re out with or where. (I never believed he was catching up with ‘Roger’ anyway) Just maybe keep it [the expense] in mind towards the end of the month when the budget’s short on funds. It’s a tight budget  for two mortgages, Two Adults and all Lilly’s medical, school and other expenses.”

He responded ‘maybe I don’t need to but I do want to be transparent with you, got nothing to hide.’
I try to stay out of his business which is what Pollyanna  has very sensibly advised (for my own sanity) but seriously, if I didn’t have secret access to his ‘other bank account’ I would think I’m going mad. He’s so convincing!  I mean seriously convincing. It’s only those uneasy feelings I get when he’s around, call it intuition call it a talent for reading body language, but I can practically smell the rot setting in.  

If I didn’t have some way of confirming my suspicions that he’s really still not well, who knows where I’d be?  If I hadn’t continued hacking into his emails after finding his and Angela’s love encyclopaedia, I would be back in this rotten relationship being truly used and working my arse off trying to make him happy like I used to.

And I’d be wondering why I was still failing like I used to.   And Lilly would have this great role model of how women should  work their arses off day and night filling in all the gaps trying to make a man happy who is fundamentally structurally damaged. Worse than that, with the addition of his compulsive lying, I’d likely end up with an STD for my trouble. 

So after the word Transparency hit a nerve, I double checked his account tonight; sure enough all those nights cancelled seeing Lilly; because his new demanding job had him working late: he was in restaurants.  When he dropped by in the mornings cranky (and me thinking why do you bother?) he was tired and hungover.  

Transparent – got nothing to hide.

Sure.

Like I said; shocks the hell out of me. A few weeks ago he was nearly in tears in a session with Pollyanna talking about regaining my trust (earning would have been a better choice of words).
Oh my God, the remorse, he got terribly upset over all he’d done!
But here’s the catch; if you genuinely feel remorse for something bad you did, you stop doing it right?

He doesn’t get it.
He won’t ever.
It’s not about Angela, never was - it’s about dishonesty.

So I’ve given myself a two week deadline to reset my factory default and start my life over.

MIND BODY SPIRIT:

  • Weight training every morning
  • Self-help CDs from Pollyanna
  • Write and use affirmations 
  • Start clearing out his stuff and my old clothes
  • Help Lilly work on her confidence and continue being age appropriately honest with her about the situation.
  • Email Him and pull the pin – since he avoids being alone with me to have any discussion         


PROFESSIONAL
  • Get a reference from my Course tutor
  • Learn the new software I need to use
  • Put together my portfolio and business cards 
  • Meet with potential clients and offer free-bees to build my portfolio and build confidence 
  • Finish the last two chapters of my novel 
  • Download DIY divorce papers from the family court website 
-      
My score card for this first week has focused on Mind Body Spirit; I have trained every day, and I must say I’m loving the endorphins. I feel physically stronger already and from past experience, the emotional strength will follow.

Every chance I have, walking the dog to school pickup, driving the car, I’ve listened to Eckhart Tolle, Dr Susan Jeffers (Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway) and Byron Katie..

I’ve started a self- help picture book for Lilly based on Dr Jeffers teachings about how our negative inner dialogue feeds fear and anxiety.  She’s really picking up on that stuff fast, and loving the funny pictures of the characters; the nail-biting ‘Fearful’ and a grim little ‘Chatterbox’ perpetually under a black cloud. You never know, I might try and get that published one day too.

I cleaned out half the closets and today I told him to come over and go through a bunch of stuff -what I hadn’t just thrown out. 

He took it away at least, I didn’t really expect him to go through it; he’s never been a sorting through stuff person; the past, emotions, clothes, old shoes… just stuff it in a bag and put it somewhere out of sight.   Freud would have a field day with his storage cage.

Anyway as painful as this situation continues to be, I feel like I’m making some progress.  But I am so impatient for the day I’m divorced, this house is Lilly’s and mine alone and my bank accounts and bills have only my name on them.

Then I will celebrate.

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