Single parenting is hard and I've been feeling the pressure of weeks without a break. She’s been unwell, and therefore more demanding on my time and attention. More draining. I've been less fun, less buoyant than the mummy she knows.
But tonight Lily has gone to sleep over with her father for the first time in a few weeks and I feel like a the cold wind outside is blowing right through me; like I’m too insubstantial to repel it.
Lily keeps the ghosts away. She’s both sedative and pain relief to my soul. I’m strong and happy around her, but so often when she’s gone, that all collapses and I’m left feeling things I don’t want to feel.
Remembering things I don’t want to remember.
Sometimes I feel that way after I drop her at school; I go home and I’m lost in my own house.
Tonight I was tidying up and as I came to the top of the stairs, I looked at that horrible painting and I hated it more than ever. He bought it while he was manic, he was bidding on another at auction apparently. Who knows, the woman in the gallery (it was a woman) probably caught his eye and he decided to impress.
But this paining is ugly, the colours, the composition everything is off-kilter. Just like he was when he bought the damned thing. I hung it, I tried to find a place for it; then he would let himself in and move it; sit it on top of a dresser, and I would hang it again this process would repeat itself over a few times, as if to underscore how much it didn’t belong.
So tonight I stood at the top of the stairs looking at it with my index finger nail in my mouth. Then I grabbed hold of it, pulled it off the wall and took it straight up to the attic.
It tiny left ugly holes in the wall so I went to the laundry and rummaged around until I found some filler and pushed that into the holes and cracks.
Tomorrow I’ll sand those filled holes and paint over them. Like I do with all the cracks and holes.
Artfully cover them up so as it looks like they were never there.
At least that empty white wall has potential now. Even if there are cracks repaired and hidden under a new coat of paint it will be much better than being covered by something ugly.