Sunday, December 20, 2015

Lost Cause

So much has happened in recent weeks, it's been another long emotional roller-coaster ride.
But I’ve been ducking and diving while dealing with school life and life in general, it doesn’t give me time for my blog-therapy sessions.

I believe, Pollyanna believes, and Lily’s therapist believes, that he is hyper-manic again.
I’ve been going to this apartment and counting meds; he’s still taking them, but the late night huge cash withdrawals all over town are telling. So is his rapid aging, increasing twitchiness and decreasing weight. 

I know the signs. I worked in an investment bank’s  document department on the night shift for six years during the dot-com boom.  I know how men behave on cocaine and I know the physical toll they pay in the long run.  Actually they pay it way sooner than you’d expect.

Cocaine and Lithium work against each other.  Cocaine is thought to be a mania trigger where Bi-polars take it.
Is he that stupid?  I believe he is with all my heart.

So after discussions with Pollyanna and Lily’s talking doctor, I sent him a caring email. 
Telling him I had noticed familiar and disturbing behaviours; the rapid speech, restlessness, difficulty in sticking to one thing at a time, talking over people. I didn’t mention the return of his egoist attitude, his description of ‘taking many people under his wing’meaning he was feeling powerful and superior again.  
 And he filed another HR complaint against another boss - who told him to 'shush' during a one on one meeting – I’m thinking he was probably talking over him like he does. This was followed my many many emails to other bosses.  As per last time, he insists he's indispensible and all the bosses are on his side.

Except this same behaviour lost him his last job.

I can’t get through.  He took my email well, it seemed, in the spirit in which it was intended,he said, but it was like snow falling on a boiling kettle.   

Two days later we had a blow up in front of Lily.

He was criticising me for going through so much money.  I hadn’t and we’d only talked the day before about how with Christmas and Lily’s birthday coming expenses would be higher than usual.  Another familiar behaviour is the inexplicable backflip on previous conversations.  And also the sneer, that curling lip and smug expression that were such a familiar feature of the worst twelve months of my life.

There was and is, so much about this criticism that grated. He has left me entirely on my own for the second Christmas (and Birthday of Lily’s) in a row, to do absolutely everything on my own; at the busiest time of the school year, end of term four.  I have had to halt everything work related to shop and attend school functions and I’ve been up till midnight most nights catching up on chores repairs, and wrapping presents.  Attaching gift tags with his name included on gifts I shopped for I chose and I wrapped , while he’s attending Christmas parties and going on dates.  

He spent a total of 3 hours with Lily last week. But apparently that was for my benefit because he remembers me saying I liked to have her home some Saturday nights. Well between you and I, I think she’s better off being with a stable caring and consistent parent, but his excuses and now criticism are just insult on injury.  I’ve tied up the entire family Christmas including purchase and mailing presents back home and Lily’s birthday for under $500 and that includes a bicycle.  Meanwhile on his ‘private’ bank account he’s making $600 and $900 cash withdrawals weekly, sometimes twice weekly, and also clocking up more than my entire Christmas spend on one purchase in a department store.  On top of that there are restaurant and bar tabs and concert tickets.

He bullshits about the hours he works, carries on like a martyr about his noble dedication to still providing for his family, not realising that I have the ability to check. He’s becoming more grandiose and more egotistical by the minute.

So we had a blow up, and I called him out on a few more lies.  I told him if he lies about stuff he doesn’t need to, logically one would expect that he will lie about the big stuff, like his health and drug use.
I told him I didn’t want Lily to stay with him until he could prove to me he is not taking drugs and his mental health is being closely monitored.

He got nasty. 
I told him if need be I would  involve Child Services, because they would force him to comply with his treatment and porvinding information or have him hospitalised.

He flipped the switch and became nice and apologetic. He admitted he’d been mean.

This same situation happened last year with the same result. 

Every now and again I have to click the safety off the big gun and he becomes charming again.  I have agreement from him that early January when Lily and I are back from our holiday, (which I have re-booked to the, less expensive and logistically manageable, holiday she and I planned he’d hijacked) the divorce and asset separation will proceed.

He insists that he will look after us and be fair, he wouldn’t dream of burning us…
“me thinks he doth protest too much”.  But I have quite a few aces up my sleeve; Access to his private accounts,  current copies of his hidden financial statements and off-shore holdings.

I will make damned sure he keeps his word even if it is worthless.

Tonight while Lily was sitting on the toilet, she was chanting something to herself in a whisper. ‘mustn’t tell mummy, don’t tell mum.’

I asked her what she wasn’t supposed to tell me and she looked a little worried but mostly relieved.
‘I’m not supposed to tell, you.’ She offered. ‘I pinky- promised.’
I asked her who had made her pinky-promise to keep a secret from mummy.
I told her, Daddy shouldn’t do that and it’s ok for her to tell him it’s not right to make secrets against mummy.
I asked her;  ‘do I make you promise to keep secrets from Daddy?’
She told me Daddy had said to her ‘that her vitamins and supplements were stupid and useless.’ These are supplements that have been prescribed  by two professionals; one a nutritionist and another a very expensive allergy specialist referred to by Lily’s GP.

I went down the same credibility test I do when kids at school tell her dumb stuff ; 
‘does your dad know all about being healthy?’ 
‘Does he look after himself?
 Does he get sick a lot or is he really healthy?’ She just giggled kicking her legs with an impish gleam in her eyes.

I’ve been a big believer in herbs and natural supplements all my life and I asked her, 
‘Does daddy look younger or older than me?’
‘Daddy looks older! ‘ she shouted enthusiastically, she was really warming to this subject by now.
(he is, In fact, 11 years my junior and he looks at least 11 years older)

Getting into bed, she told me, chuckling, ‘and Daddy says smoking isn’t really bad at all!’
I told her, 'but you know smoking is really bad; you remember daddy almost died last year when his lungs stopped working and a machine had to do it for him.'
She breathed dramatically, ‘yeah..’ for some reason she finds that episode exquisitely exciting.

What all this is telling me is that his contempt and lack of respect for me has returned, and knowing what he has put me through and considering his former remorse, it all adds up to deterioration of his mental health. 

I love this little pumpkin, I so wish her old-man wasn’t such a douche-bag and an idiot and could smarten himself up and be worthy of her.

But as Pollyanna keeps telling me: It is kind of futile for me to argue with reality, this is who he has become.

Fact is he is a self-destructive liar, buried deep in denial who totally refuses to deal with his underlying problems or follow a wellness plan with his doctors. He is a lost cause.

It’s a fact that I have to work around as long as he’s alive. Which may not be all that long the way he’s looking.

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