Thursday, February 25, 2016

This Too Shall Pass

He is so fucking manic it's not funny. It like riding on an out of control roller coaster wondering if it will ever run out of juice so you can climb off. 
This too Shall Pass.
I keep telling myself that.
I finally got him to a mediation lawyer to work on divorce and asset separation. He was very nice and co-operative for the most part. She's a very good family lawyer (recommended by Pollyanna) and it looks like Lily and I will come out alright. I’ll make sure we do.

But it's like there's a Jack In the Box inside of him, and just when you get used to the music playing its melody nicely and calmly; POP! out comes that other character.  
The intense one. 
The one that doesn't take a breath.
The one with wild ideas spouting forth so fast like one of those tennis ball throwing machines.
He makes me hyperventilate. 
He exhausts me like a day's manual labor in full sun.
I am emotionally and psychically fried.
He back flips on  his own positions, decisions,on a regular basis and his mood swings are giving me whiplash.  

At least I talked him into seeing Polyanna, I know she'll do him some good - if she can move him past dwelling on the tragic break-up and heartache of his last brief relationship.

But the returned mania, no one seems to be monitoring him at all. And I'm left wondering if he can keep his job until the financial stuff is done and dusted.  What happened to that court order to have treatment and close monitoring?
I could tell 'them' (if they existed) about the five speeding fines in the past two months, the five others between since November and December 2014).
I could tell them about the return of his 'screen addition' I swear to God that phone is never out of his hand. 

I could tell them about his anger and aggression over me refusing to take his lost license points onto mine, there’s been so much happening – so much at stake I don’t know where to begin.
 
I thought we were reaching the pointy end of this big stick. His new relationship with an Angela lookalike, who Lily says she met months back - and was told not to tell mommy. 
Poor little thing. 
He got very serious very quickly about this one too, but on the upside it made him suddenly gung ho about getting divorced and untying the financial strings.  
 
Just when I thought a stable relationship would be the best thing for him, it all apparently blew up in a very nasty way. 

He’s not a man to survive without an emotional brace. And now his focus comes back to Lily. His child who took a back seat to his wining and dining, concert going and romantic weekends away.
 
Lily needs another session with her psychologist. He's been talking to her about spending more sleepovers. Something he agreed outside the lawyers office, not to discuss with her until we worked with her psych and worked on the logistics. Last word I had from her 'talking doctor was she thought it was a bad idea, because he's clearly manic again and his intensity is not good for the poor little poppet.

Yet another back-flip.  Apparently she pushed back and he resorted to "that's not fair on Daddy is it?"

So now she's worried about having to stay with him more and feeling guilty for not pleasing him. 
Way to go dad.

The odd thing with him is, when he's with her, he's not really 'with' her. She tells me he's always playing on his phone, I"ve seen her myself doing her damnedest to get him to interact with him- while he's staring at his screen and typing madly, all the while grunting vaguely back to her and going: 'uh huh', 'mmmm'. 
Then suddenly he'll look up and tell her off for messing about making him late. She'd spent five minutes trying to show him a new magic trick she'd learned.

But he goes off and buys her an electric guitar (she has an acoustic guitar to do lessons on) he takes a photo of her holding it and posts it on Facebook, makes it his work screensaver - then posts a picture of that on face book. He posts a picture of him holding his guitar with the caption Daddy's got your back, honey!. He tells her all the guys at work say how lucky she is!

But Lily wakes up this morning upset because 'Daddy didn't do any guitar practice with her on the weekend for her lesson; "and it's today mummy!". I call and tell him she was upset and why, and he says' rubbish I got out my guitar and practiced heaps, "I"  know the piece almost my heart now. 
He's in Lala Land. 
He has this image of his relationship with Lily that happens in his mind and on Facebook. I see him with her and he's not engaged with her on any meaningful level. He was back with her six months ago, but he's gone again.

He doesn't listen to her; he doesn't listen period there's too much going on in his head, and I've seen this all before.


But he comes by this morning, 30 minutes before school, to do some practice with her.  

Quickly he gets distracted by the coffee table books he'd like to keep, 'also that big painting - that would fit in my apartment.' 

He also wants a cabinet I've just done up and waiting to be collected by the woman buying it; " tell her you sold it already! What's she paying for it? Is that expensive wood? could I paint it?"  There's a dining table I'm doing up for home, to replace his awful French antique, and he's distracted by telling me how he doesn't approve of the style. 

Just three minutes to school bell, Lily's ready, and he's back on the coffee table books, pulling them out saying we should go through these now - wont take a minute..

I've seen this all before and I have to say familiarity doesn't always breed contempt. It's just as scary the second time round.

This Too Shall Pass (please?)





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