Friday, March 4, 2016

Pathetic

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag
Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?
Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin
Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?



I went for a job interview today.

My first job interview in nine years.

Of course he came around this particular morning to interrogate Lily and myself about something she said I said last weekend that threw him into an aggressive rage over the phone before I could finish the first sentence of whatever I’d called to tell him.

The anger was rolling off him in waves. 
We’d talked about that misunderstanding, Lily and I;  I was trying to get to the bottom of it, not that it was such a big deal, but his rage fed on itself all week apparently. 

For the record: I don’t tell her derogatory things about her dad. Aside from my experience that it messes kids up and only damages their relationship with the parent doing the bad-mouthing. I don’t make any remarks about him I don’t want repeated, because I know my honest open little bunny will not be able to keep it to herself.  He should work that out- he knows I’m not that stupid.

So on the morning of my first job interview in nine years, Mr Hyde is being his best seething and sinister self in our daughters newly renovated bedroom.   

They made an agreement last weekend, that he would contribute $10 to a new watch she wanted and he reminded her she owed him $20.  He demanded her money box, struggled to find it in front of his nose (literally) then pulled out a $20 note and tossed it to her on the bed.

“Now you give it to me.” He stated.
She tossed it over to him the same way he’d sent it. 
“NO! You hand it to me nicely!”

She gets very cuddly after these episodes of his. After he stalked out, we walked down the hallway together, her arms around me.
“You ok, sweetie?” I asked.
“yup” she gave me a feeble smile and squeezed me harder.

When I got back from dropping her to school, (he’d opted out because he had a 9am meeting) I had a narky text message from him (15 minutes into his meeting apparently). He was informing me that he didn’t believe Lily or myself that she’d just misunderstood and misquoted me.

He has just an incredible knack of shoveling his shit onto me whenever I’m trying to get on my feet and generate an income (Hence the name of this blog). And I need an income, because I really can’t see how he’ll keep his job much longer.  He's hyper-manic at the very least and He seems to be rapid cycling where his aggressive belligerent attitude is never far behind his episodes of wild exuberance. 

A month ago, he almost lost his job fighting with his direct boss (who told him to ‘shush’ when he kept interrupting); a couple of weeks ago he had his latest GF to hate on and rage against while Lucky Me had the sun shining out of my arse. Now I’m 'IT' – like I joined some warped game of emotional tag.

As far as the interview went I just don’t know.

I was asked what hourly rate I would expect and I had no idea. I threw out a number and the boss was shocked, she said do you realise that is really low?

No I didn’t, I haven’t been in the work force properly for eight years. Of course I didn’t say that, but I felt like a novice. I guess I looked like one too.

How do you explain what I’ve been living with, this roller coaster ride that started in 2011? 
Explain these levels of exhaustion; physically, emotionally; intellectually.   

Often I've felt stronger for it other times like now, I feel hollow and insubstantial. As if one strong gust of wind might wipe me off the street, like an empty plastic bag, snatching me through the air to be battered against building facades and getting stuck in tree branches.

So I walked out of their offices feeling a bit lost and pathetic.

I'm finding that feeling hard to shake.

4 comments:

  1. https://www.asauthors.org/freelance-writing-rates

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  2. Thank you so much Sharyn, this is fantastic! I can see now why she was so shocked and how far under the mark I was.

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  3. Argh, that feeling really sucks. I hope you've had your second wind are feeling a whole lot better.

    He certainly does seem to have awesome timing. Best wishes on the divorce proceedings I really hope things can keep moving forward to give you and Lilly a bit of distance from his thud as it sounds like it is going to be sudden and substantial.

    Is there any option too keep him out of the house when he turns up rolling anger? Garden table outside maybe?

    I feel Lilly needs your house to be a safe space and that situation does not seem to be supporting that.

    Best wishes
    Belinda

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    Replies
    1. Ah Belinda,always at my shoulder :0)
      I did make a recovery somewhat,motivation came back, confidence but he's cycling now sort of every three weeks and it is draining.It's like any sort of abuse I suppose,when it stops and he's acting like the old supportive him,its like giving a chocolate to a dieter; the relief becomes a bit addictive.
      I agree with you that home needs to be the safe place. She's always been such a home-body anyway. Well I have more to say, but since this thing is kind of a dairy of events I'll write another post because Mister Hyde is back and he's tripped me up again...
      thanks always for you caring support
      x

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