Wednesday, March 30, 2016

What Doesnt Kill You Makes You Stronger

"I’m telling you, you be very careful- I’ve been nice up till now."

"Is that a Threat? Are you threatening me?"

"No I’m not threatening you. I’m just telling you to be very careful (stress on the very)

"That sounds like a threat to me.."

"Just be 'very' careful, I"m hanging up now"

That is how my conversation with Lily's dad ended today. Sinister much?
He started out being very controlled, I could hear the tightness in his voice the uncharacteristic slowed deliberate speech.

But it only takes me to mention his mental illness and he becomes instantly aggressive and nasty.

Ever since our discussion with the lawyer about financial support and maintenance / division of assets weighted towards the full time carer,  he's become totally fixated with having more of Lily.
There's a coincidence for you.
He shot off an email to our Lawyer and one to Lily's psychologist saying that 'we agreed" a parenting plan for Lily should take precedence over property settlement...' I certainly did not agree to anything of the sort.

Over recent months He has become increasingly hostile, verbally aggressive and abusive towards me - He told me himself that he is overdue by close to six months for his regular assessment with his treating psychiatrist. This behavior has been happening in cycles where in between he is very supportive and co-operative.  That makes things difficult because I'm then inclined to give him the benefit of the doubt and ignore my gut and the signs I know so well.

I know He won’t be happy about my raising this issue with our Lawyer but seeing as his wellness and stability directly affects Lily and her need for psychological counseling and stress management; a parenting plan cannot be worked through if he is unwell. Or if symptoms are returning as they clearly are. Lily's therapist told me that and added; certainly not if, with his history, that he has avoided treatment with his psychiatrist and reacts with open aggression to any discussion of it. 

Financial stability is also an issue. Although on his good days he assures me that Lily and I have nothing to worry about.  My last attempt to reach out to him to organize a time to discuss ongoing financial maintenance while he is away in Europe gained nothing but an inappropriately aggressive reaction and many accusations and snarky suggestions that I see my therapist (who incidentally says I'm doing remarkably well under very difficult circumstances).

So the aggression and blame have returned, along with accusations that I'm the one with mental problems rather than himself.  

I have the benefit of hindsight and a very extensive and detailed diary filled with all this stuff - it's a total Déjà vu, but I still struggle with it massively. 

He still shocks the hell out of me when he turns vicious. And again when he denies it and tells me I imagined/exaggerated what ever he did or said.

Why cant I get used to this pattern of behavior?  Sometimes I feel like I'm brainwashed by him. I have to give it to him; he's a consummate actor these days when he's acting out 'normal'.

Thank goodness I have this diary and when I cant write here I take notes on my phone for the next entry. Otherwise he would fool me! 
He's so damned convincing and he lies so easily its kinda scary.

I keep pinching myself: who is this dark evil person that has replaced my dream guy.

But if his threat was financial rather than physical, he has a rude shock coming.  

He threatened me with a three year back log in the courts and he's holding our shares to ransom:'You wont see anything before three years!' he gloated last time he went to the dark side.  

Well that works both ways, our property in joint names (including our family home) has effectively quarantined money from his extravagances and if we go to court he wont be able to touch any of that for three years.

But I have property I bought just before we got together, in my name only that, sold will halve the mortgage to make it more manageable plus give us a good few years income.  He can take it to the judge in three years to complain.

This afternoon as I made my way to Lily's school to speak with her principal, on the advice of a mental health worker with access to his file. Walking to the school gate, I thought; if he died, would I be sad? Would I care enough to go the funeral?

I've been told to protect Lily and myself, so the school Principal and staff are on board. If he turns up and tries to take her, they will take her aside and ask her on her own if she wants to go with Daddy or wait for mummy and they will call me while he's there. 

Without court orders that's as much as they can do, but it will be enough, given the choice, especially lately she'll choose the safety of mummy.
I hope it doesn't come to that - but doesn't everyone in this situation?  
Too many of them aren't that lucky.



  1. All I can say is breathe deep.

    You can't get used to this pattern because no, remotely, sane person could act this way and you are a whole lot more than remotely sane. You are looking through a lense of Him being able to kput Lilly's best interest first and everything you have written suggests he probably doesn't have that ability. I can't remember if I just thought it or actually wrote it but the efficiency and accuracy of his ability to lie has me in serious doubt about his diagnosis.. I think bi polar is in play but I seriously doubt it's even close to the whole picture.

    Honestly there is a part of me that wishes for a way for you to sever all ties and walk away. I know that is not what you want for lily so Just know whatever happens there are people out here wishing for the best result for both you and lily, whatever that may end up looking like.

    Best wishes

    1. Belinda, this second time around I truly do want to sever all ties.When I look at the father he has and the effect it has had on him and his siblings, I wish he would just disappear. Pity he didn't take up with the GF in England, maybe with all damage he's doing to his professional reputation, he may have to go overseas to work.

      You have mentioned before your theories around his prowess with lying and I did some research last night. He comes under both manipulative lying "the hallmark of a sociopath" and evasive lying; typical of a "Borderline" personality disorder.

      There are more developments this morning, more hateful emails from him which I have forwarded to Pollyanna so we can read them together in this afternoon's session.
      thank you Belinda