Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Empathectomy

Well it seems I have had an Empathectomy overnight!
I'm so done making excuses for him and I regret every get-out-of-jail-free card I offered him to soften his landing from the last manic episode.

He's worn the edges down on those, I can tell you. I clearly went way too heavy on the "you couldn't help it you were ill" - "you didn't hurt us deliberately, I know that..." platitudes.

Well the way he's behaving now, I don't give a rat's arse anymore if he can help it or not.
He chose to drink a lot when he'd been told to minimize alcohol intake
He chose to take drugs when he knew better
He chose not to follow a wellness plan - he wouldn't even discuss it
He chose not to take his condition seriously
He chose not to have psychotherapy

Knowing full well how much damage he'd already done, it is grossly negligent of him and as a result he has become nothing less than evil.

A vicious and nasty piece of work.

And I don't care if he has some sort of excuse, he just needs to get out of my face before I have him locked up.

It's been a long week of poison hurled at me by text, (so I blocked my phone) and my my how he loves email. If there's just one in twelve hours, I feel positively blessed.

I don't read them.
I'm so fortunate to have a lovely caring friend who does that for me so his vitriol cant do more damage.
She jokes and tells me she's just nosy, but I know she's doing what she can to support me. 
So she reads the horrible things and tells me if there's anything I need to address. Mostly 'its just more of the same.."

But, to quote one of my favorite films, "his brain is like a bag of cats" he seems to have all this stuff in his head he thinks is happening, and even presenting him with facts and physical evidence (like his own emails & texts)  doesn't derail the mad fantasy.  

When I say something to him, he hears something entirely different and I'll get an email confirming the details of our conversation. Except what he thinks I told him as opposed to what I did say, usually leaves me thinking he's having auditory hallucinations.  I will be recording all future conversations.

This has come to a head because I told him in no uncertain terms that I WILL NOT tolerate his regularly tearing me apart and snapping and snarling at me every time he sees or speaks to me.

I said; "you ripping into me and speaking to me like I'm a piece of shit - that stops right now."

Apparently that was a declaration of war and the handiest weapon is Lily. So he's diverted away from my non-acceptance of his constantly out of control unprovoked anger and made it all about custody.

I am refusing all access to Lily: except the Easter egg hunt last week, where he dropped her home half an hour after it started.  The guitar practice the following Thursday where he cancelled the night before.  Saturday afternoon; invited to join us at the lagoon where he could have taken her to the adjoining park next to have separation from me; but he was busy he said.

Another part of his MO is projection: everything he does he accuses me of doing. But that's an old one I'm used to.

This is all so twisted, so perverted it makes my head spin. 

I am selective in what I respond to. If he makes blatantly false statements that are not only easy to refute, but I have evidence otherwise, I answer those. Diary notes are admissible in court but an email trail, particularly one that shows one person to be manipulatively lying is better. 
___________________________________________
[full formal name again],


As per our discussion a few minutes ago, I note what you've just told me:



- you have turned off Lily's phone since last night specifically so I could not contact her, saying 'we need a break from you'   (Auditory hallucination)



- you have blocked both my numbers from your phone so I can't contact you (even in a case of emergency) (except you got through fine on the land line)

- you are still refusing me any access from to Lily  (really? still trying that one?)



You let me talk to her on the landline for a few minutes while you were listening to our conversation, despite me asking you to let Lily talk from another room. (Lily kept trying to pass me the phone back while I mouthed "talk to  daddy')


[Mr Hyde]_________________________________________


In response to you email  and 'many' others,  I will make some points for the record before I try to  salvage our overcooked lunch.:


I blocked my phone because you have spent days inundating me with text and emails full of accusations, deadlines and ultimatums while I am trying to have some quality time with Lily;

Which contrary to your claims of my 'preventing access', you were invited to join us yesterday but you chose not to. Lily asked you over the phone just now why you didn’t come and you told her you were 'busy' 'somewhere else".

As to you asking me to be in another room – I didn’t hear anything of the sort, but I was in the kitchen turning on the oven for lunch.

As to the latest accusation that I have turned off her phone deliberately to prevent access, you told Lily and myself most emphatically that her having a mobile phone was conditional on the only time she could have it was on Thursdays when she takes the bus home and it stays in her schoolbag; just that day, in case she misses her bus stop or anything else untoward happens.

I think you will have difficulty spinning this ' refusing all access' before a judge and I’m sure it will be seen as slightly ridiculous that one weekend every now and again she doesn’t want to sleep over. As for her not wanting to go anywhere with you this weekend that is her choice, but still I tried to help you understand her decision and also accommodate something despite her own reluctance.

I would appreciate you take a more mature approach and stop spinning this to tell a story that supports your agenda.

I would also appreciate a slow-down of the barrage of emails to myself and others.  I have asked you previously, for Lily’s sake to take the pressure down and stop robbing her of my time in having to respond to your prolific correspondence especially at meal times. This is the sole reason I turn off my phone, we both need a break from you demands.

I would also reiterate what I asked in my previous email: “please keep it light with her; without reproaches, She's a very perceptive little thing and she's quite fragile at the moment.”

We are booked in with Relationships Mediation to work on a parenting plan and we are waiting on availability of her Therapyst (cc'd). 

My own thoughts on the matter are irrelevant in as much as this isn't the first weekend Lily has wanted to stay home, but previously it suited your social life so you didn't take issue.

This is all quite unnecessary.

But given that I have been through this before with you, if this harassment doesn't stop immediately, I will have to seek some sort of intervention.

_____________________________________________________

After this, he shot off an email to Lily's therapist sounding very childish and churlish accusing me of using Lily as a weapon and throwing her into the middle of our dispute. He told Lily's therapist that we were handing every thing over to 'our' individual lawyers.

Now he's invented new legal counsel for me..after he pissed off our joint lawyer and she dropped us.

Then shortly after he called the house and left a voice mail suggesting we cool things down for Lily's sake.  "It's not good for her" he says almost earnestly except that his speech is slurred.

Wish he'd stop plagiarizing me on top of everything else.

Next backflip: he's on fire again, and cc'd her therapist on the next email because he noticed I missed an important session on upcoming school aptitude tests. Is he casting me as an incompetent parent now?

It was very weird, very snarky and smug in it's tone and content and only made him look bad and the more he cc's Lily's therapist the better in my humble opinion!  

I responded that I had already been on the national examining board's website read all the parent information and downloaded work books and practice tests. I reminded him that I'd shown him books I'd purchased a couple of weeks back. I thanked him for his feedback  then added  this request: 

____________________________________________________

"...And now a favor; would you please stop calling me by my full name? You never have in all the years we've been together (except, ironically during our wedding vows). You know no one close to me or in my family ever called me that except my Dad as his jokey way of feigning formality, (until of course Alzheimer's took hold of him & he forgot me all together).  



So I'd prefer you used no name at all than being overly formal and changing the way you address me because you're angry

Thx

____________________________________________________

So in conclusion - yes: I am well and truly done with empathy, sympathy emotional get-out-of-jail-free cards.
All the years I wasted supporting him through depression - standing by him, where did any of it get me? 

A few more years wasted being used, abused and dealing with his crap.


Enough now



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