Wednesday, April 20, 2016

My Not So Brilliant Career

"The Secret of Life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that you've got it made."

Groucho Marx
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Groucho Marx
Read more at:
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Groucho Marx
Read more at:
The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. Groucho Marx
Read more at:

I have a new job!
Don't get excited, it doesn't pay well. 
Well, it doesn't pay at all.

I am constantly putting out his mad fires and generally dealing with his shit.

Two days ago it was just five emails in the space of an hour over Lily's Guitar lessons. 

He told me he'd postponed them while he'd be away. Then the emails start with a confirmation of her lesson this week that it was assumed I would take her to. 
Except (a) it's news to me and (b) I have an Doctor's appointment that was very hard to get in the first place at that time.
I rescheduled the lesson and queried his  change of plans. 
Snarky email comes back that he had discussed it with her teacher they had decided she needed more practice and he had forwarded a confirmation of her class to my email the day he left.

I tell him that I didn't get his confirmation email for whatever reason, but also wouldn't it be nice in future, with arrangements that involve me and my schedule, I was asked rather than told.

Yesterday's and today's workload evolved from his unilateral decision to have the rent from our joint investment property deposited into his personal account.  And from the letting agent's co-operation.

This  purchase of this property could easily have fallen through because, despite him being in a locked mental unit, he managed to block joint bank accounts and instruct lawyers to harass me. I had to work fast to quarantine the deposit money so we didn't default on the purchase deadline,and receive daily penalties that would have ruined us.

During the worst, most turbulent and frightening time of my entire life, I met with builders and plumbers, designed the interior, got quotes.  Then while He was in hospital still instructing his lawyers, I exchanged contracts and got the property purchase over the line.

After his release from the Unit, he gave me so much grief via text message, I actually broke down crying in the middle of a bathroom fittings store.   Shortly after, he took off out of the country and met Angela, while I played single mom, working full time project managing the demolition and the refit, driving all over the city buying and exchanging fittings and learning plastering.

When I finished, the apartment was revalued and I had gained $180k net equity on a $27k spend, I'd increased the rent value by $80-100 per week.  

I cleaned up the flat after he'd lived in it, styled it for inspections and the day before the tenant moved in, I was on the floor for five hours cutting down and fitting new blinds. (He'd broken one and i had to buy a new set as a result)

For him to disconnect me in this way and force me down an expensive legal path to defend my rights as co-owner is more than upsetting, it's just plain ridiculous.

All this ate up a few hours yesterday and five hours this morning; then I thought I'm done! 

Hell No.  

Pollyanna predicted my firm boundaries would cause the mother of all tantrums, but her suggestion was that he'd burn out eventually.
I'm not sure now, this is more than a guy seriously pissed off 'cos he's not getting his way - only mania can drive this length and level of aggressive outrage; this much personally destructive force... 

It's 10:30 at night I just sent my final email off.

It ended like this:

"Your levels of outrage and your willingness to be nothing less than financially destructive rather than back down and stick to the agreement you made with myself and the agents, makes me wonder what else is at play here? 
Why is it so important to you to conceal income and outgoings on our investment property? Is it about winning? Control? Or something else?"

I'm tired.


  1. Honestly all I can think to say is "I'm listening and hearing you". As much as I don't wish it on you everything points to him burning everything to the ground and leaving a ground zero of relationships in his wake. He'll burn out cause no one can burn like this and not have their life come out unscathed.

    You're allowed to be tired it's been a head trip from start to finish. Bribes will only work for so long..she realises she doesn't feel safe and you are giving her the support to act on that when she feels strong enough to.

    Best wishes and highest hopes.
    BTW a name slipped through a post or so back that you will probably want to change.

    1. Thanks Belinda,

      At this moment I'm writing a very painful account collated from diary notes about his emotional abuse of our child because he has started what I thought was a parenting mediation, but he's flagged as a dispute resolution on the premise I'm refusing him any access to his child.

      At least it makes me more fierce in my resolve. Thanks for the heads up on the name thing, I need to go through every post to create a chronology for lawyers, family services officers etc.

      God it's all EXACTLY the same stuff again, symptoms, behaviors accusations, two years to the day too...

      I'm wise to it now - and he's not living here anymore, so that's a blessing.
      Why couldn't he have died in that London hospital? hey, never thought I could (a) think something like that about anyone and then (b) not feel so bad about admitting to thinking that.

      Somehow I managed to work a teeny bit on my almost finished novel this week. This will be another novel, based on a true story - thinking of calling it 'Meet Jane Doe'.

      lovely to have your comments as always my friend.
      xx Jane

    2. cant find the name drop...I'm down to eggshells

  2. I scanned again. It was in bribes the name used when she is describing daddy using his "weird voice". It could be an unusual sub or something but I just picked up that it wasn't the one you usually use.

    Best Wishes

  3. Honestly at the time I was rooting for him never to come back to Australia.

    It must be just devastating to watch him re-traumatise Lilly. As you said at least this time he isn't resident. Thankfully right now, unless court orders go in place she has choice and she will always have a soft, emotionally safe place to land.

    May the end result of his kerfuffle be that he is directed back into treatment, hopefully with a different psychologist who will hold him to his commitments.

  4. Who knows Belinda, maybe in his mental fog and with what I sent him two days ago (see Old wounds) that he might stop by London and get back in touch with Angela. Selfish of me, I know, to wish him on someone else's kids. But I'm finding I'm reaching new depths of my own, just for the sake of survival. Looking at what weekends and holiday visits with his own father has done to his psyche,and considering he's turned into a carbon copy of his father, I just want Lily well out of his way.

    PS thanks for the subbing tip - name slips are what I get copy and pasting diary notes into this blog late at night after "lily' is in bed.