I will be the first to admit, I have a lot of emotional baggage.
I was asked on a date last week, and you know what? I just couldn't stomach it.
I know that's kind of damaged, but it’s not a fear of being hurt or having my life turned upside down in the most awful horrible way again - a bit more..
I'm just dead scared of anyone wanting more from me than I feel capable of giving:
And right now I don't feel very capable of giving anything to a man.
I share out all I have of my heart and soul to my gorgeous girl, my beloved faithful Dobie and with my loving supportive family and very special friends.
Men ask too much if you ask me - it's their egos. They have to come first.
No, actually that's not true - I have friends who are married to unselfish giving lovely men.
It was just this one. This one and many before him.
What does that say about me? A long history with selfish self- absorbed men.
And that question, unanswered still to this day, is why I won’t ever remarry, Defact or Cohabit. Not Ever.
I cannot trust my own judgment. I am too empathetic, nurturing and giving for my own good and I clearly attract partners who gorge themselves like emotional gluttons, on that side of my nature.
This week I was clearing cupboards, filing and working through all this stuff for lawyers and mediators and my own peace of mind. Not to mention gaining cupboard space.
I came across a dusty little book that I made for him in 2013.
He was really down at that time, in the depths of depression and things were tough for our whole family.
Every glass was half empty; couldn't see the bright side of anything. He was walking wounded, choking on his own defeat each and every day.
So I gathered a whole bunch of positive quotes; typed printed and laminated them, bound them in a nice credit card holder so that he could carry them to work and read them discretely when things got too much.
I look at them now and I think - wow, I was really good to him, I was terribly supportive... and now he's being really, really terribly, nasty to me. Where did all that effort get me? He's no better off and I'm certainly well worse for the wear.
At least now I have inherited a wonderful little book of amazing inspiration to help me wade through the mire. I'll just take out the Claude specifics, maybe get Lily to design me a pretty new cover....
This was my little book of positives:
the pièce de résistance - our little baggage
So much love and effort went into this; a person would have to be insane to, not just turn their back on that, but rip it to shreds.
He's not my hero anymore.
Whether he remains that to Lily is up to him