Saturday, May 7, 2016

Baggage

I will be the first to admit, I have a lot of emotional baggage.

I was asked on a date last week, and you know what? I just couldn't stomach it. 

I know that's kind of damaged, but it’s not a fear of being hurt or having my life turned upside down in the most awful horrible way again - a bit more..

I'm just dead scared of anyone wanting more from me than I feel capable of giving: 
And right now I don't feel very capable of giving anything to a man.

I share out all I have of my heart and soul to my gorgeous girl, my beloved faithful Dobie and with my loving supportive family and very special friends. 

Men ask too much if you ask me - it's their egos.  They have to come first. 

No, actually that's not true - I have friends who are married to unselfish giving lovely men.  

It was just this one.  This one and many before him.

What does that say about me? A long history with selfish self- absorbed men.

And that question, unanswered still to this day, is why I won’t ever remarry, Defact or Cohabit. Not Ever. 

I cannot trust my own judgment. I am too empathetic, nurturing and giving for my own good and I clearly attract partners who gorge themselves like emotional gluttons, on that side of my nature. 

This week I was clearing cupboards, filing and working through all this stuff for lawyers and mediators and my own peace of mind. Not to mention gaining cupboard space.  

I came across a dusty little book that I made for him in 2013. 
He was really down at that time, in the depths of depression and things were tough for our whole family. 

Every glass was half empty; couldn't see the bright side of anything. He was walking wounded, choking on his own defeat each and every day.

So I gathered a whole bunch of positive quotes; typed printed and laminated them, bound them in a nice credit card holder  so that he could carry them to work and read them discretely when things got too much.

I look at them now and I think - wow, I was really good to him, I was terribly supportive... and now he's being really, really terribly, nasty to me.  Where did all that effort get me?  He's no better off and I'm certainly well worse for the wear.

At least now I have inherited a wonderful little book of amazing inspiration to help me wade through the mire.  I'll just take out the Claude specifics, maybe get Lily to design me a pretty new cover....

This was my little book of positives: 
 









the pièce de résistance - our little baggage

So much love and effort went into this; a person would have to be insane to, not just turn their back on that, but rip it to shreds.

He's not my hero anymore.
 
Whether he remains that to Lily is up to him

5 comments:

  1. Yeah, I can definitely understand. After my experience I said to my best friend that I didn't think I would truly trust my judgement in this regard ever again.

    Like you, I am stretched being everything to my young man who's dad chooses to go the inconvenience of seeing him, in person, on average once a year. Between family and Uni life is overfull and although there is a small part of me that still holds to the comforting idea of a shared life I suspect that presented with someone interested I would slowly back away, like I would presented with a ticking time bomb. Maybe that is why I chose the most female dominated industry on the planet :-)

    Best Wishes
    Belinda

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    Replies
    1. Do we really need anything/anyone else? all I can share with you is this article Pollyanna sent me: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/sense-and-sensitivity/201201/the-highly-sensitive-person-and-the-narcissist
      I do envy you in the limited contact - none at all is better for them than toxic relationships .

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  2. No, I truly don't believe I need someone else.. there is just something about the idea of a balanced and emotionally healthy relationship that feels warm.

    I realise just how lucky I am with regard to access ATM. The problem is that without spending time with him up to this point the ex is now starting to sell the idea of him coming to stay "when he's older". Of course he decided to sell this idea without communicating with me in any way so the first I hear of it is when the ex is again a state away and it comes out of the mouth of a 4yr old. Not happy mum!

    Best wishes
    Belinda

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    Replies
    1. of course he is - that's standard operating procedure. By the time your boy is of an age to travel to see his dad I'm sure he'll have little or no interest. at that age all this stuff sounds exciting and exotic because they're too young to think it through.. Mummy wont be there, what if I need my mum and she's too far away? what if I don't like it and I cant just come home.. Besides that, by the time it comes around, your ex will probably have other children and have lost interest. Pollyanna gave me a book on children in divorce and believe me the stats are in your favor.
      well I'd better go an type my notes in response to his latest bout of stick waving. Get the stuff ready for my lawyer Monday. same old same old..
      take care lovely
      x

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  3. I honestly wish I could believe that. Unfortunately they have enough contact over skype that my boy feels like he knows him and when he's here he is all I know your mum has limits... Here have all you want no limits good time dad.

    I have quite deliberately put off agreeing to officially divorce until recently, finances were settled when we sold the house after separation, so I didn't have to formally agree to anything custody wise. Except for the fact I wouldn't wish him on anyone I'd be stoked if someone told me he had another child on the way.

    Best wishes for Monday
    Better start the next 2000 word essay I have due :-)
    Belinda

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