Saturday, May 21, 2016

Envy



I can hardly bear to look at Facebook at the moment. I’m feeling too much envy for all my friends’ happy family posts.

Women whose husbands love and support them whose children are safe.

Or my single mom friends who can work and raise happy well adjusted children without a daily battle-a fight for survival.

Friends who don’t have a target plastered on their backs.

Having the man I married and supported through severe clinical depression, then mania and assault charges and infidelity, ravaging our savings, betrayal piled on betrayal – to look at me with such suppressed violence.

His face contorted and clenched tight like the white knuckled fists he clearly wants to beat me with.

But someone’s been coaching him. 
Clearly he's been warned...
When he comes to pick up Lily, he’s wound up so tight with the exertion of restraint, he looks about to explode.    
Amazing that anyone got through to him regarding moderating his wild behavior, because I certainly couldn’t. 
Not now not before.

A friend of his who had lunch with him this week agreed about that – texted me he felt Claude's 'about to blow up.”

I am trying hard to steer clear of the whole ‘poor me’ thing. But I’m just so tired and this constant campaign of Claude’s; taking exception, most aggressively and enthusiastically, to everything I do or say, just breathing it seems. 

This is making me physically ill now; I’ve been ill all day and trying to get things done; grocery shopping - home repairs, taking care of my sick baby.  Every time I get another email like the one saying he'll come tomorrow and get her no matter what – the cramps come and I’m ill.

You see Lily stayed home ill, this weekend, and there’s been Hell to Pay. More threats on top of his and his lawyer’s emails yesterday.  By the way, apparently I have $40,000 at my disposal aside from the mortgage payments I quarantined.

Wish I knew where – I’d put it aside for legal fees.

Or better still, pack up Lily the dog and the cat and just run as fast and far as I could. But no. don’t have a stash of cash beyond the mortgage account I’m afraid.  So again I’m living under the threat of discontinued support for Lily and I.

Thank God, my mum is staying with us. The strain and fear is nearly killing her but she hangs in there, because it helps.

This bastard of a man has really upped the ante and I don’t know how well I would be doing if I had to face this alone.  Open his awful emails without someone else here with me.

I’m also trying to avoid the ‘would a-should a-could a’s’. for example, in hindsight – I should a kicked him to the curb in 2014.  I would a never have talked him around out of his suicidal thoughts.

I could a slammed the shutters, changed the locks and emptied the bank accounts the first time he turned on me. 

You see how living with the muck and filth of his twisted mind is warping my own soul?

This time it’s so much worse. At least the first time he left the country for the most part to chase skirt. 

Now he’s here always, in my face like a freshly converted zealot; making a religion out of destroying me. 

10 comments:

  1. So very, very sorry. I really hoped that it wouldn't get to this level. I was always concerned that once he realised that he couldn't control you any more that there would be a concerted effort to harm you in any way he could.

    Pls do whatever you need to do, daily sessions with pollyanna (damn the cost), anti anxiety medication whatever! That girl needs you in one piece, you deserve every little bit of support you can muster and that b##@@@#d does not deserve the satisfaction of seeing you suffer.

    As I didn't hear the conversation I have no idea as to tone but is there any chance his friend wasn't relaying a "poor me" but a really solid concern about your physical safety.

    I'm not going to say this life experience isn't going to fundamentally change parts of you. I know it already has but right now your psyche is fighting for survival and any thought that helps you stay afloat and allow you to fight for what you and your little girl need is a good one.

    That said make a contingency plan. It's sounding like you are getting to the point where the cost is very much approaching the gain you expect from fighting. I have no doubt if you were to choose to remove the two of you from the situation that you would find a way to survive financially. No measure of perceived security is worth either your, lily or your mum's, emotional or physical health.

    Holding you all in Light
    Belinda

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    1. You saved me tonight Belinda :0)
      your message came through on my email at the same time as his latest poison. I assume it was more of the same poison - I didn't read it just opened it to click on the block filter.

      But your message above cleared away all that negative soul sucking energy with your caring and compassionate message. Thank you for that - I will sleep better tonight. I am taking steps to have Lily kept away from him until he is seen to. I have a strong feeling he wont stay in this country and he will eventually drift out of our lives.

      The friend who contacted me is very serious level headed type of person - he gave me very stern advice last time but he has still been available for support to both of us, more empathetic towards me. He's a true friend who knows Claude is very damaged and still to "shake him out of it" but we discussed the impossibility of that at length.

      The real fight begins this week: Tuesday Lily will be assessed by her psychologist and Tuesday afternoon my lawyer will send Claude the ultimatum: get treated- prove you are, and no unsupervised visits till after that.

      I have provided a lot of contextual information for the therapist. and my next more is to forward that on to the child protection authorities as well. It's a lot of work, but Lily's safety is worth it.

      All this may involve a restraining order too but I would welcome that at this point.

      thank you my friend: you do indeed hold me in light. x

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  2. Glad to have been of help.

    Best wishes for Tues.. the intensity is likely to go up, yes restraining order is probably likely. The one thing I would suggest is if he turns up and you have reason to feel unsafe don't threaten him with calling the police (you have given him enough chances to come to his senses already).. just call the police.

    Thankfully Lily won't be going there so I imagine you will be able to direct all communication though your lawyer and ignore the rest. That if nothing else should help your mental health as it seems to be the relentlessness of it that is driving you down more than anything.

    My thoughts will be with you this week. Here's to hoping that loosing access to Lily will be the push he needs to find another tree a long.... long way away.

    Belinda

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  3. All the best for tomorrow - so sorry to see you are still fighting and struggling and suffering after all this time x

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    1. Thanks for your thoughts Kirsty, it' snot a lot of fun the second time round i have to say. He was well for about 6 months, tolerable for maybe another 8 months. but now.. well that's another story.
      take care
      x

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  4. Hey there,
    Been thinking of you and hoping things are ok.

    Kind Regards
    Belinda

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    1. funny you should check in tonight - I just had to rescue Lily from dinner with her dad after she sent me a rescue text. he nearly punched me out in a pub; gripped her arm like a vice trying to prevent her from leaving and now I'm just waiting on the police coming round. :0(
      the brown stuff will hit the fan tomorrow...

      Poor little thing whimpered all the way home

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  5. Ahhhg, poor little one. It must be just so frightening but also absolutely ripping her up inside.

    Thankfully she knows that her mum has got her back no matter what. That said even that isn't going to make this process easy for anyone so the two of you will be high on my good vibe list for a long while.

    Best Wishes
    Belinda

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    1. thank you Belinda. xx
      we've had a relatively peaceful weekend (although he turned up to Karate which Upset Lily no end) - he told her he would pick her up at dance later so I kept a vigil (he didn't turn up - more mind games)

      tell me when you suspected something other than Bi-polar was at play where you thinking NPD? That was Pollyanna's personality disorder of choice.

      bless you
      x

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  6. I'm glad she's had some time to decompress even if it wasn't as trouble free as you might have hoped.

    I didn't actually have the right label to put on it, was leaning more toward ASPD, at the time but I absolutely agree with Pollyanna on this one, after reading the descriptions. NPD definitely fits what you are communicating very, very closely.

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