Monday, May 16, 2016

The Wrecking Ball

Photo: Rhys A./Flickr
I woke last night at 4am with nightmares swirling around inside my pounding head.

I'd been trying to escape him, in all his terrible forms, and keep my little girl out of his grasping reach.

In my dreams his madness was unrestrained by clever legal advice and in addition to the pounding of my headache, the pain of which had woken me, was my blood pressure making rhythmic crumping sounds in my ears.

He'd sent another email. They come at bedtime or wake me during the night or 6am. Sometimes he'll send hate-email at midnight and a text at 6am.

In addition to the one the day before accusing me of theft, this one was informing me he had cut Lily's and my maintenance payment to 40%.

I've been in far worse financial shape so that wasn't what bothered me, it's the venom, the spite.  The endless lust for to hurling hurt after hurt at someone who treated him like a king for fourteen years, that last four at great personal cost.

Destroying me has become his religion and last night and today I almost broke under his fervor.

He first took exception to my reaction to his decision of cutting off all support, where I quarantined what little cash savings I have access to in our mortgage offset account. On legal advice, having no way of preventing him from wiping out its contents on his next vindictive whim, I created a new account in the same bank still linked to pay the mortgage, balance untouched. I told him this.

The second email reducing our support payment by 60% was revenge on my quarantining money saved up from support payments. He made wild accusations regarding money I (don't) have stashed away, seemingly making up the amounts as he went along.

I have canceled gym memberships, charity donations, stopped buying lunches on the road, got the home insurance down by $100 per month, replaced all our light globes with energy savers, turned off the heating when I normally wouldn't have.  I've scrimped and done without so I can fund us a couple more months along until I can find some part time work.
That job hunt's not going real well I might add.
But moving that money from what he used to call my account, this week re-branded 'our joint account', made him mad. Very very mad.

He doesn't like the loss of control, he doesn't like being prevented from inspecting my purchases, he doesn't like my exercising initiative. He resents my very existence.

I'm still working on my legal and child protection case which includes an audit of the c. $200,000 dollars he did steal from his family over the past two years. And trawling through the files, I keep coming across letters to doctors and psychologists dated two years ago almost to the day,  that apart from the hospitalization (which clearly should be happening again), they could have been written this week.

To Northern Psychology  

Dear Dr T,

Thank you in advance for the appointment this Thursday. I have tried to fill out the forms as best I can.  But in some areas the answers now will not give you an accurate picture of what is going on.

You are probably aware that my Husband Claude has been diagnosed with Bi-Polar Disorder and after a recent Severe Manic episode where he was sectioned under the Mental Health Act on April 2nd 2014.

Released on April 16 he is under ongoing psychiatric care.

Initially I had high hopes for reconciliation, but since his release, His behaviour towards me is unpredictable at best; at worst I find him manipulative and sneaky and I’ve been caught out several times.

The doctors tell me “he is who he is now” which is quite a different person from the man I married. It was suggested to me, and I’m convinced of it, that he has been experiencing depression for a large part of his life. 

The theory is that this condition could have manifested a different personality; more affectionate, more needy, more cautious.

His treating Psychiatrist explained to me that he is struggling with distortions in his recall of recent events and older memories because of the mania and the affect it had on his brain function at the time. He says Claude is quite convinced of his version of recent events and may never be able to reconcile or accept the discrepancies.

Claude seems to need me to validate his memories and becomes angry when I present him with physical evidence to the contrary.

The Doctor asked me if I could continue the relationship while he believes I am to blame for his troubles.

I cannot/ will not validate things that aren’t true just to keep the status quo, it’s not in my nature and I don’t believe it’s the kind of role model I want to set for my daughter.  Aside from that he’s made it clear from his recent behaviour towards me and comments to friends that I could expect a sort of emotional punishment 'installment program' for my ‘crimes’.

I guess at this stage, I would hope that Claude and I could work out an amicable way forward and learn to communicate effectively kindly and honestly for our daughter Lily’s sake.

I look forward to meeting you on Thursday


Jane Doe

PS please forgive the glossy paper – I have a prolific little artist who regularly raids the printer for supplies.


I remember feeling quite angry with the doctor who suggested Claude's depression could have manifested  in the more affectionate, more needy, more cautious personality I'd lived with for years. 

I thought at the time: "Ive had my future ripped quite brutally out of my hands, don't you dare try to steal my past as well. It wasn't fake, he did love me all those years..."

Now I wonder.

He's on his second 'serious' relationship (that I know about) this year. Lily tells me its true love (after 7 weeks). It makes me think that his doctor was right on the money and he's now desperately trying to cater to his needy narcissistic self. 

I hope this one doesn't have to call the police like the last one did to get rid of him. Lily says she's really nice and I'll bet she doesn't deserve the grief and ugliness any more than I did. 

Some men should come with toxicity warning labels tattooed onto their foreheads.

I am lucky though in many ways:

My friends have been awesomely supportive and also forgiving of missed catch-ups. And even the school mum I barely know who greeted me in the dog park this morning and cared enough to ask "is everything OK?" because she could see that it wasn't.

My big sister who calls from interstate at least twice a day being my life coach, cheer squad and email editor.

And my rock-star mum who is hiking up her blood pressure, staying with me for moral support, hugs and help around the house and babysitting, pet feeding etc.  Lily and I are both waiting with baited breath for the day she loses it with Claude's reign of terror and hits him over the head with her walking stick.

If Claude died tomorrow, I couldn't stomach attending his funeral. 

Besides I might not be able to resist the temptation to dance on his grave and that would not be good for poor little Lily, even if she does think, with increasing regularity, that he deserves to face The Wrath of Nana!

They're nice images to go to bed on though,  maybe sweeter dreams tonight? 
Anyway thanks for letting me confide..  :0)


  1. You are doing so well but yeah, do what ever it is that you need to do to stay sane. The situation is so very insane that I can understand how easy it would be for the crazy to start to push too hard even when you think you have it arms length.

    Is there any reason when Lily is home that you need to have your phone on overnight? Could you just notify the people that might contact you within that time, that might legitimately get a bit jumpy, as to why they are not getting a response that your phone is going off at X time and why?

    I know you still, probably, have to read it sometime but there is no reason that he should have that power and he is obviously using it that way.

    Holding you in my thoughts

    1. I had an idea today,I recognized a need many people have that I have an edge with and could fill and get paid for it. My bestie (who is always a touch sell), my mum and sister all applauded it, and it wont cost a cent to start up, I can do it in school hours and still have time to write. So it was a good day.

      But this evening every now and then it was like I could see a shadow in my peripheral vision, something bad lurking. Its him and I feel in my heart that this man is evil. Now maybe its Lily's and my recent Harry Potter marathons responsible for this ill feeling but I do - I think he's an evil person.

      I do keep my phone on silent when Lily's home so these horrible emails full of threats, he's been working on while she's been with him.

      Who does that? Sits with, or tucks into bed, a lovely funny joyful child, a mini-me of her mother right down to the hair cut, then feels inspired to hurl venom at her mum?

      He may not be Voldemort (he's not as clever thank God)but he's evil, and his twisted hate rolls off him like a heavy foul smelling fog. Ok definitely no more Harry Potter for me!!

      I look forward to your comments, your thoughts on this and your advice. You are a great source of comfort and support and I will always be grateful to you for that.

      BTW I've started on the manuscript; the other part of the story that runs parallel with these diary entries. It's called 'Meet Jane Doe'. I'm also writing a proposal for the kids self help book 'I can Do It.' and my Author friend is going to give both to her agent and or publisher. I owe you a copy of that one.
      warmest regards and eternal gratitude

  2. Hope that sleep was long deep and restorative and you little girl is safely back under Mumma's roof... but yes, no more Harry Potter for a while. :-)

    Is there any way that someone else can babysit your phone. I know it has to be on and while Lily is away it has to be attended but it sounds like he knows he's successfully getting to you in this way and he's pushing to get a reaction.

    Very glad you are feeling positive about the financial options right now. His ability to get to you using this is causing complications and distress your head really doesn't need. I will be so glad when this last vestige of power is taken away from him.. either by the finalisation of the financial side of your life together or your situation being secure enough to go f*** this and having the option to walk away as it no longer is needed for day to day life(not saying that should be the choice but knowing it is an option if it all gets too much would be powerful).

    Evil or lacking conscience honestly it doesn't matter. His antics are distressing you, they're distressing Lily and honestly you are totally justified in any harm you quietly wish in his direction. As you know for everyone's best interest he should be in treatment, as a minimum requirement. The only wonder, from what I can tell from this point is he has managed to keep his head in enough at work not to get him kicked to the curb.

    Happy to hear that you are writing and that you have a lead to an agent. I suspect that if they end up in the right hands, I understand this can be difficult to achieve that it could be a real lift for you and boy do you deserve it.

    Love and Light

    1. thank you. from the bottom of my heart. x

  3. So sorry to hear how things are unfolding. I sincerely hope that the worst is over with soon and that you can get on with a calm, happy and peaceful life.

    I understand some of what you are dealing with. Maybe it's the month of crazy for people with BPD – my mother had been having severe paranoid delusions... breaking all of the clocks in the house because she's convinced that there are bombs in them. Telling us that she's set traps to catch us in case we try to have her committed to an asylum, or take her money (neither of which crossed me or my sister's mind). But the day after that, kindly offering money should we need it!? The person suffering with BPD doesn't understand the state their mind is in, let alone the effects of their behavior on others. They're too caught up in their selfish world. It's a terrible disease.

    Happy to swap stories over a dog walk etc :)

    Sending you hugs and strength, and if you need any support, a laugh, or anything let me know.

    S x

    1. Thank you SC, we do indeed need a story swap over a dog walk., hugs strength all of that. I've blocked his email now, but i will have to forward them on to my vetting department (a good friend who manages to let his nastiness slide off without emotional expense)she'll tell me if there's anything I need to respond - to or report to the authorities! Two loving and supportive messages tonight to feed my strength - thank you for being one of those.

    2. What a great idea re the email vetting, very smart :) Think of you a lot and know you have a lot of strength, energy and rational ability to see your way through this.