Saturday, June 18, 2016

Charmed and Dangerous

“There are many forms of Violence; financial power, control...”
“I was never hit, as such, but Greg was capable of murder. I would go so far as to say men capable of psychological abuse and power and control and intimidation are potentially, the most dangerous.”
‘Two women a week are being murdered: They are the statistics… this isn’t a feminist conspiracy.’
Rosie Battie.

Ironic that Rosie Batty and Danny Blay would be addressing the National Press Club's Famliy Violence Forum when I got home today.   

I’d had a busy morning running Lily to school then popping her out for a couple of hours later for an appointment with her psychologist. 

Her psychologist who after giving Claude half an hour to charm her yesterday, is inclined to believe that he is well and Lily is safe with him. He told her his treating psychiatrist was happy, he was seeing him once a month. (although the story I was given was every six months). he claimed to have

Claude is Gaslighting again. The face he presents to everyone else is controlled calm and missing his daughter.

The face he presents to me and the face Lily has seen up close until it scared her to death, is one twisted with hate and suppressed violence. 

I know I don't need to convince Lily's therapist that he's off the rails again, I guess we're both working towards the same thing, Lily's well being. 
However I don't know that building up her hopes and down playing her very genuine fears because her father is an adept and manipulative charmer, (especially when the stakes are high) is in her best interest. 

Lily's psychologist wasn't there. She didn't see his face and his body language, she didn't have her dad squeezing her arm while spitting out his hate at her mother cementers from her little face. She didn't see the alarm on the faces of the other patrons.

But Claude, I have discovered the hard way, is a consummate actor, on an academy award winning level.
So many convincing lies, so much successful deception in a man whose default position seems, at least now to be falsehood. Defensive lies, manipulative lies, but who knows maybe I've only discovered this side of his character during his mania when he was less careful with the evidence.

Maybe this was always there.

I remember random times throughout our relationship when he would check my phone messages and contacts, questioning me about male names which were usually tradespeople, mobile mechanics, etc.

In my research into Narcissistic Personality Disorder NPD this is typical 'red-flag' behaviour of a deceiver; someone deceiving and finding the deception so easy it makes them nervous heyre also on the receiving end.
If liars over-qualify, then I think of a story he told me years ago with great (now I'm thinking exaggerated) disgust of a colleague who was sneaking off to a hotel next to the office during lunchtimes with one of the secretaries at work. He even told me that woman flirted outrageously with him also.  He went on an on about it and her for ages...

One of my friends saw Claude in the city walking with a woman in a tight dress short enough, she said, for her to play tennis' in.  She didn't tell me until after the shit hit the fan.  She made excuses, thought maybe he worked with a colleague who dressed like a hooker.

Who knows? There's no point speculating now I guess, but I'm forever trying to understand the nature of the beast and how much of a lie my former life was.

So according to Lily's psychologist, Claude has made all these assurances to his being unable to imagine life without Lily, and to his mental well being.  

I told her that experience (and a damned good therapist) has taught me ignore all his, but rather look  at his actions.

He hasn’t made any attempt to spend supervised time with in the friendly family environment we suggested.  He hasn’t seen Lily for a month, by choice.  Like refusing my invitation to join us at the lagoon, when Lily'd said she didn’t want to see him.  It wasn’t on his terms so: so, NO.

As to his mental heath being on track: if his treating doctor is happy and he has 'loads of written evidence' attesting to that (why would he?) then show it, let the psychiatrist give his glowing feedback and we can start moving forward. 

You see it's exactly this, you will take me word for it, attitude that makes me believe he's been getting by on that for years. 

Where else would he have gained so much confidence in his ability to pass off his word as infallible?  



  1. I am sort of surprised that she is even "inclined to believe", I know they're good, but she's treating your daughter. She must have seen the level of damage the last incident caused unless Lily is dealing with it a whole lot better than would be expected.

    I'd just hand the written evidence story to your lovely lawyer and have it proved as bogus as it most certainly is. If he's used it once to seemingly good effect he will try it on for size again if he thinks it will gain him a foothold on what he wants. I suspect things have gone too far at this point to give him the deluded little story he has in his head that he is using to justify himself to others but you are likely to have to play lie "wack a mole" for quite a while. As you say.. all evidence says this has been his mode of operation for a long, long, long time.

    Glad you have both had a reprieve from having to worry about visits. Let's just hope his inability to bend to anyone's terms continue to work in your an Lily's favour. The deeply suspicious part of me would be requesting a surrender of passports along with evidence of mental health. He's shown he's willing to do anything required to "get his own way" and I seem to remember there being differing cultural components in your life that suggest there may be significant links overseas. Honestly I am probably just being overly reactionary but things just seem out of his control enough that if he got the chance it just might go there.

    Love and Light

    1. Hey Belinda,
      yeah. I was surprised too - indeed Lily's still quite tearful and tends towards hysterics whenever the psych suggested feedback for her dad.

      From what I've been told of the Family court psychs, this is just the sort of red flag they look for.

      Lily's psych also has clinical notes to refer to on his previous performances with her colleague - when he was dragging me through couples counseling (while he was engaged to Angela).

      So I'm trying to re-focus on my own life trying to limit his ability to derail my progress. sometimes it's very hard. We've seen him four times now in the past week - obviously his lawyer's been telling him to put in a appearance since his refusal of supervised visits makes him look so bad.

      Maybe coincidental but since the first unexpected turn up at school last Friday, Lily's eczema, which was totally gone, has flared up again and she's back to tearing at her skin.

      Passports I have covered. I hid them in plain sight in 2014, but moved them to a more secure location since.

      I don't think he'd snatch her though - it would cramp his style too much and he could never be bothered doing any of the heavy lifting with regards to her basic care.

      He's terribly impatient with her and he seems to find her hard work.. Until this overnight versus $$$ came up he'd pick her up late and bring her home early, and it's hard to be a womanizer when you have a kid to put to bed at 8:30.

      However, in 2014, I was accused of 'stealing' her passport to take her out of the country.

      I told his lawyer truthfully that: the passports were in the same place we always kept them; Claude couldn't find his underpants without my assistance and; all of my family live in another state, as Claude is well aware, and I certainly don't need passports to get us there.

      Thanks for tuning in again hon, you are one lovely person. x

  2. Glad to hear you have the passports covered. Does he have access to documents that would allow another to be issued?

    I don't think he would take her cause he wants to meet her needs. Honestly my concern is because I suspect he wants to cut you down to the core and leave you broken in one way or another. He has lost all his power, and you (to your credit) are still standing tall.

    Based on past history that accusation alone says be very, very careful if he finds someone "stable" to latch onto. You are right, he is probably unlikely if he is the one having to do all the " care" but if he thinks he is going to be able to make her someone else's responsibility it really could get messy.

    I really hope I am just being reactionary; though as you are aware this an extremely dangerous time for both of you. Only saving grace I can see is being unstable is making it a lot harder for him to hide it all behind the mask.

    I really want my worry to be out of place, but I figure you are better off if I put it out there and you have time to think and do what you feel necessary.

    Best wishes

    1. You are absolutely right Belinda, and I've thought about just that scenario. Especially since he trotted Lily out into his relationships when they were only weeks old. He's looking for someone to fill the gap I've left. And he's looking to play happy families.

      However the last one got the creeps with the way he behaved (he told me as much - but of course it was all her own paranoid and damaged fault. Only I could see behind what he was describing of her 'over sensitivity' as reacting to his usual controlling arrogant behaviour when he's feeling comfortable demonstrating his perceived superiority (especially around restaurant waiters). That's a funny thing you know, he really gets difficult, paranoid and rude around restaurant staff that come across to me as helpful and pleasant. He's also quite weird the way he needs to change tables or chairs from whatever was reserved for him. Even in the cinema he will change seats several times. I think my being overly tolerant has done him a disservice in that he doesn't realise that not many other people will tolerate that level of arrogance and pedantic behaviour when they're still getting to know him.

      And I have the ace up my sleeve: his entire 18 months correspondence between himself and Angela, which shows by his own hand that he is at best totally impulsive, irresponsible and juvenile - at worst a pathological liar and drug abuser (if the mental illness and assault charges were not enough to sway a judge).
      But you know I just wish it didn't have to come to a bare knuckle fight.

      As my lovely lawyer put it: we're not saying never - we're just saying 'sort yourself out Mister'. Everything would be much better all around if he did that: got semi-normal again and we could go back to the way things were 7 months ago. (with flexible court orders taking into account likely relapses of mental health issues, of course).

      As one of those Narcissistic Personality Disorder victims said; 'Hope for the best but prepare for the worst.'