Thursday, June 9, 2016


My life.
Rebuilding it is like baking a cake, or pulling together crumbs to make a cake.

But every time I look like I'm succeeding and the cake is looking tasty, he sneaks along and pours vinegar over it.

Lily and I have had a wonderful reprieve; no contact for three weeks.
Her eczema is finally cleared up, she's full of jokes and pranks - but I swear if she puts that whoopee cushion under my dining chair seat pad one more time I'll have a heart attack!

My lovely lawyer got in touch to clarify one part of this mud-slinging letter his lawyers sent.  she asked me if I'd ever attempted suicide.


So let me tell you a back story, one of love and support and a gift of strength.

When Claude was suicidal, I tried to normalize that feeling for him  - he was really low and freaked out by his own obsession with hopelessness.

I told him everyone feels like that at some time in their lives, that it's all too much to bear.
Even me.

I told him when I was in my early twenties, I'd had thoughts like that; my six month marriage had just broken up, my father had slammed a door on me after telling me; I wasn't his daughter anymore (for a Daddy's girl that was a huge blow).  My friends turned their backs on me following a smear campaign coming from my ex. And despite being accused of 'taking the lot'; I had pretty much nothing and I was skint.

I told my husband, my best friend, this story so that he wouldn't feel alone in his grief.
So he would understand that I got it.
I told him that in my experience it is in these moments that you really find yourself and learn to like yourself despite what anyone else thinks or says about you.

Overcoming these defeatist thoughts and taking the decision not to fade away into nothing, makes you impossibly strong.

That was my message to Claude. You will find your way through this and it will make you stronger and I understand and I'm here with you. I will hold you up until you feel strong enough to stand alone again.

I was good to my word.

Now Claude is using this very personal story, offered to him out of love, as a weapon for my destruction. Through his lawyers he's trying to paint me as a depressed and unstable person who has been suicidal for years.


He's a terrific guy.

Terrifically twisted and cruel.

I ended up at a party the night Claude would have, anyone who'll listen, believe that I 'attempted my own life'.

He's more melodramatic in his forties than I ever was in my twenties.  Not even my flatmate then, family, nobody at all would corroborate his spin on this. 

For the record; I'm sure I was pretty melodramatic in my early twenties; but my point was sincere about pulling yourself out of a whatever hole you find yourself in because, you alone are all you need and you alone are worth the effort of picking yourself up and dusting yourself off.

If this whole horrid saga has taught me one thing it is this;

In the face of this level of adversity, there's just no other option but roll up your sleeves, knock off the pity party and get on with fighting your way out of it.

I tried to hold his hand guide him down a better happier path, but I guess he was too far gone. He chose what he thought was an easier path in denial.

Everyone makes their choices and I've made mine: Not just to survive, but to thrive.

I had my meeting this afternoon with our Parenting Mediator, she says that given his mental health issues and recent events involving Lily, unless Claude shows up to his meeting admitting he has issues and clearly prepared to address them, the Joint Mediation & Parenting  process wont go ahead.

She said if he comes in all charming and wounded (she said she's seen quite a bit of that) and if he's pointing the finger accusing me of being unstable, self harming and suicidal, then we'll be signed off to go through the family courts.

She asked me what would be my dream outcome.

I told her the former option: that Claude faces his need of effective treatment, he has it, and he becomes stable enough to start rebuilding Lily's trust.
That we all find our way back to where we were at the end of last year.

Happy incident free sleepovers with dad, amicable, co-operative co-parenting.

The mediator is not optimistic.

I'm not either.


  1. Glad to hear from you. I figured it had probably all gone quiet but I also knew there was a chance you just didn't have time cause you were fighting life. I have to say you seem to do a great job of allowing yourself permission to feel the feels then rolling up your sleeves and just doin' what needs to get done.

    If it doesn't take him 10 minuets to land you all in family court i'm going to be stunned(yes, I am truly trying to be generous by giving him 10 min). He's got a tactic that he has decided will work to get the result he wants and there are probably very few, if any people that could talk him outta that corner. His lawyer is probably the only one with a chance and the letter suggests that he's willing to work with a mentally ill client requiring little to no corroboration of claims so yeah.

    I'm glad you still have your dream for Lily, like you I just wish it didn't take me to have a personality transplant to believe this process could get you there.

    Best Wishes and Highest Hopes

    1. Yeah, this morning after the call with my lawyer, I really felt it. Amazing how he can still shock and hurt after all the other shocks and hurts. I think my lawyer is feeling it too. You know she was a recommendation from Sexy Single School Dad?! He's a useful resource since he went through a similar but 9-year-long circus: He can still trump me on outrageous accusations from the crazy ex though.

      I bumped into a friend this morning right after the call; she was a law graduate from both Harvard then Cambridge; she's amazed his lawyers would go forwarding unsubstantiated accusations (that cannot ever be substantiated)because in the end they will look as bad as their client. He will just prove himself to be the pathological liar he is. I figure he's not telling them the truth either and he is dealing with a very junior member of that firm so it's getting through.
      I've been quiet partly because of the reprieve but because I was finishing my novel - the one I started in 2007!!

      That's given me a boost, completing a labor of love that got swallowed up in this relationship and the work involved keeping it together, keeping him together.

      So it feels like a new chapter in my life; A new beginning. And although his poison momentarily soured the moment, it washed away again, more quickly than I expected.

      So my friend, I will be published and you will have a dedication in both books - for helping me hold it together in the darkest moments - that's a promise.

  2. Woohoo, so glad that you've given yourself the space to get that done. I truly believe you will be published, you have written through the maelstrom as only a gifted writer, someone who needs to write to breath, could. Hold that accomplishment close to your heart because it is an accomplishment, indeed

    You and only you held it together. I was just someone you could expect to listen and validate the fact that "yes, really you are not crazy.. the situation is crazy, not you".

    Whilst he has no power he can't truly hurt you and honestly if Lily is safe ultimately your heart is safe, the rest is just details.

    Best Wishes and Hightest Hopes Friend

    1. Thank You Belinda.
      from the bottom of my heart - thank you.
      BUT - you sell yourself short - you've been more than someone to listen and validate - your support has been far greater than you realise.

  3. Thank you for saying my support has helped.

    In this case the honest truth is, I am who I am. When I see someone fighting to make a better way and I feel I have something to give I'll do all I can to walk along side. In your case I knew enough to have a pretty strong feel for the path. I am very glad that my words have managed to help you at times when you needed to hear them.

    Love and Light