I'm still trying to process the mediation session with Him.
Sessions like that really throw me.
It felt like once again he just dragged me there to try and have me admit all I've said about his manic behaviour isn't true and I've only said I was afraid for Lily and myself as a means to an end and to get back at him.
That wont happen because its just not true.
It's one thing for him to be incapable and unwilling to take ownership of his recent aggressive and over-the-top behaviour, and for me to cease expecting him to. But it's entirely another, to try to coerce or confuse me into rescinding all the anguish and fear Lily and I have been feeling.
He's so clever at spinning everything that happened and having someone else there being all impartial, I felt a bit like it is all in my head, as he says. When on deeper level I know it's not.
He tells Pollyanna and I, both that his friends have spoken to his psychiatrist to tell the Doctor that he's fine. And that his doctor agrees and has always agreed. He says I'm the only one who thought he wasn't. So many people who saw him in recent times asked me if he was OK because he so didn't seem fine. Lily certainly has had a very strong reaction against the return of familiar scary behaviour.
But lets just unpack that comment about the psychiatrist and friends a bit. Why, did his psychiatrist need validation from friends if he was confident that Claude was fine? And though Claude denies it now, why was I forbidden any communication or validation from his psychiatrist if he was fine?
But he's a clever one, he he's become incredibly good at talking his way out of anything.
It's a very scary talent this one and he's practiced it to absolute perfection.
And I can never EVER forget he-is-a-liar. Especially when it comes to what he does and has done.
I was so buoyant and productive recently and now I'm despondent and exhausted again.
This whole saga continues to be so damaging, my own mood swings are giving me whiplash.
But he is finally willing to let me see his psychiatrist with him present.
After today when I was defending my decision to allow Lily to choose not to stay with him: 'she could have just not felt like it and been playing up, you know.
I almost pulled out the heart-wrenching recorded message she left for her therapist, sobbing and hiccuping hysterically trying to describe how Daddy scared her, "like he turned into a werewolf," right up to her face and squeezing her arm. It's taken her so long to get over that and it will all come back if he does it again.
I think he needs to hear that and maybe his psychiatrist does too.
Let him try to make that truth evaporate with his smoke and mirrors.