Sunday, July 24, 2016

Smoke and Mirrors

I'm still trying to process the mediation session with Him.

Sessions like that really throw me.

It felt like once again he just dragged me there to try and have me admit all I've said about his manic behaviour isn't true and I've only said I was afraid for Lily and myself as a means to an end and to get back at him. 

That wont happen because its just not true. 

It's one thing for him to be incapable and unwilling to take ownership of his recent aggressive and over-the-top behaviour, and for me to cease expecting him to. But it's entirely another, to try to coerce or confuse me into rescinding all the anguish and fear Lily and I have been feeling.

He's so clever at spinning everything that happened and having someone else there being all impartial, I felt a bit like it is all in my head, as he says. When on deeper level I know it's not.

He tells Pollyanna and I, both that his friends have spoken to his psychiatrist to tell the Doctor that he's fine. And that his doctor agrees and has always agreed. He says I'm the only one who thought he wasn't. So many people who saw him in recent times asked me if he was OK because he so didn't seem fine. Lily certainly has had a very strong reaction against the return of familiar scary behaviour.

But lets just unpack that comment about the psychiatrist and friends a bit. Why, did his psychiatrist need validation from friends if he was confident that Claude was fine?  And though Claude denies it now, why was I forbidden any communication or validation from his psychiatrist if he was fine?

But he's a clever one, he he's become incredibly good at talking his way out of anything.
It's a very scary talent this one and he's practiced it to absolute perfection.

And I can never EVER forget he-is-a-liar. Especially when it comes to what he does and has done.

I was so buoyant and productive recently and now I'm despondent and exhausted again.

This whole saga continues to be so damaging, my own mood swings are giving me whiplash.

But he is finally willing to let me see his psychiatrist with him present. 

After today when I was defending my decision to allow Lily to choose not to stay with him: 'she could have just not felt like it and been playing up, you know. 

I almost pulled out the heart-wrenching recorded message she left for her therapist, sobbing and hiccuping hysterically trying to describe how Daddy scared her, "like he turned into a werewolf," right up to her face and squeezing her arm.  It's taken her so long to get over that and it will all come back if he does it again.

I think he needs to hear that and maybe his psychiatrist does too.

Let him try to make that truth evaporate with his smoke and mirrors.


  1. Honestly it probably comes down to the fact from his pov you are the only "holdout" on his version of reality. At this point he has totally convinced himself of his version of reality, therefore you MUST be wrong.

    Good on you for avoiding the temptation of using the recording then. Your ability to have any contact with his psych would have evaporated on the spot. As you said he's a liar, and an amazingly good one, and most likely the psych is taking him at his word which with out the ability to access external pov's he will be persuasive; this is probably the only thing that might convince someone with the power to do something that he needs treatment NOW... I would also get a signed letter from your daughters therapist to say at a minimum she received this message.

    He'll evaporate it for himself, but you're not trying to convince him your trying to convince the third party in the room.

    Best of Luck

    I know it's tough but you have been doing such a fantastic job of owning and using your power. Keep at it even if it's only one thing a day you do for the express purpose of your future.. give yourself permission to rise above him no matter how hard he tries to yank you down.

    1. thanks Belinda,
      two months without his pervasive presence, I was doing well, now there's pressure back on the bruises before they're completely gone. I feel that he does convince everyone, he really is good and yes he's convinced himself of his new story and that gives him conviction. more on that later, but thank you, its one of those tougher days today.

  2. Hey there,
    been thinking about you both for a while but not making the time to reach out. Hope this is another all is well, I'm just being productive hiatus.

    You are always somewhere in my thoughts.
    Best wishes

    1. Thanks Honey,
      I did actually reply a few days back but the stupid Mobile app seems confused between 'publish' and 'delete' ��
      We are experiencing a wonderful hiatus. Lily is back seeing Dad with so much enthusiasm ( has a lot to do with his girlfriend having moved in with her puppy) but in fairness he's so much like he was years back - I think she's giddy/ euphoric with relief. We'll enjoy it while it lasts and hope that is a while. Unfortunately, I've had to travel to my home town: my brother in law died suddenly in his sleep (cerebral embolism they think) so life goes on hold-Lily & her dad will fly down this Friday for the funeral.
      I'm struggling on this iPad so I'll leave it at that for now. Thank you so much for checking in
      You're an Angel
      Jane x

  3. Thanks for checking in.

    Glad to hear about the hiatus. Sorry, to hear about the family loss. Here's hoping that the relationship between Lily and her daddy continues to play nice.

    Better get back to this assignment I am currently procrastinating through. :-)

    Best Wishes