When there's no one in your life you care deeply about. Except of course friends. Friends hold you up unconditionally and you know from the history you share that they'll always be there. Always be on your side. They won't ask too much of you or give too little. Either way that expectation isn't there at all, there aren't expectations at all there is just being.
Then for me there is Lily and that is love and deep caring on a whole other level.
But I did meet someone.
Notice I used past tense there.
That's a spoiler, sorry.
And this post would have read a lot differently if I'd been writing here during the romance instead of instant messaging back and forth with him all evening.
But he came at me like a bull at a gate, all 'wow's and 'I cant believe my luck' s.
We had everything in common; he had a wonderful little girl a month older than Lily and they got on like a house on fire.
He was crazy about me: 'floating on air' was another effusive comment. Moving a lot faster than I was entirely comfortable with.
But who was I to argue, it felt nice, we had so much in common shared so many of the same values and passions it was getting ridiculous; so it made us laugh every time we discovered something else we shared.
It was as if I'd ordered him, custom made, from a catalogue.
He felt the same and told me everyday.
He was crazy about me right up until the point he wasn't.
When he started cancelling things last minute, I asked him if he was backing off and his response seemed shocked and hurt. Then he canceled again.
He missed a phone call then sent a text instead that said his daughter couldn't wait to see my daughter again.
Not, sorry I didn't call when I said I would and I cant wait to see you.. What he didn't say, in light of his previous enthusiasm, spoke volumes.
So I told him, with my recent history (of which he knew not all but enough to be more considerate) I really wasn't in a place to deal with someone running 'hot and cold'.
I told him I felt the tone of his messages had clearly changed and that it would have been nice to actually speak, but in the absence of actual conversation, I wanted to take time out to re balance.
I was thinking maybe a weekend apart. But He jumped on this as his exit.
We'd hit fast forward, skipped the whole relationship part and went straight to the breakup.
Pollyanna suggested I reach out to him in case, given my history I had overreacted, but he wasn't having it.
Pollyanna thought it would be nice to know why and to get some closure at least. But in my experience, closure in ended relationships can be very elusive and chasing it can often be as damaging as the breakup.
Another thing I have leaned is that a lot of people out there have unresolved issues of their own and maybe it's a little egotistic to think that 'its all about me'.
So I was very sad for a few days. But it was so brief, I guess wasn't over invested. And the scary thing was, in that month of a blossoming new relationship, it was so easy for me to lose my equilibrium.
So easy for me to want something/ someone, I didn't really need, enough to get the wobbles when it started to go off course.
Fortunately the girls didn't have a chance to become addicted to each others company either, although Lily said she though his daughter was her long lost twin.
She had asked me two weeks in, having seen them twice if He was going to be a special friend. I told her 'lets just see.. its too early to tell.'
But Lily hasn't asked about them since. I think she understands without asking - wise little thing.
We are both in a different calmer place since she got her "Old Daddy" back. This Hiatus from dealing with Mr Hyde, has us both emotionally cruising and gaining more resilience.
But I remain unconvinced that there is a special friend out there for me and that's OK.
More than ever, I feel its not something I need anymore.
Raising and enjoying my little girl and rebooting my career takes up a lot of energy and head space. I'm not sure I have enough bandwidth to download anything else.
Unless of course I happen to meet a forty something cross between Chris Hemsworth and .....
OK Liam Hemsworth if you really want to know. <she grins>
And even in that unlikely event, I wont be rushed again.