Thursday, September 22, 2016

Baby Steps

 
It's easy to have it together when you're on your own. 
No relationship. 
When there's no one in your life you care deeply about. Except of course friends. Friends hold you up unconditionally and you know from the history you share that they'll always be there. Always be on your side. They won't ask too much of you or give too little. Either way that expectation isn't there at all, there aren't expectations at all there is just being.

Then for me there is Lily and that is love and deep caring on a whole other level. 

But I did meet someone. 
Notice I used past tense there.
That's a spoiler, sorry. 
And this post would have read a lot differently if I'd been writing here during the romance instead of instant messaging back and forth with him all evening. 

But he came at me like a bull at a gate, all 'wow's and 'I cant believe my luck' s. 
We had everything in common; he had a wonderful little girl a month older than Lily and they got on like a house on fire.

He was crazy about me: 'floating on air' was another effusive comment. Moving a lot faster than I was entirely comfortable with. 

But who was I to argue, it felt nice, we had so much in common shared so many of the same values and passions it was getting ridiculous; so it made us laugh every time we discovered something else we shared.
It was as if I'd ordered him, custom made, from a catalogue.

He felt the same and told me everyday. 
He was crazy about me right up until the point he wasn't. 

When he started cancelling things last minute, I asked him if he was backing off and his response seemed shocked and hurt. Then he canceled again.
He missed a phone call then sent a text instead that said his daughter couldn't wait to see my daughter again.
Not, sorry I didn't call when I said I would and I cant wait to see you..  What he didn't say, in light of  his previous enthusiasm, spoke volumes.

So I told him, with my recent history (of which he knew not all but enough to be more considerate) I really wasn't in a place to deal with someone running 'hot and cold'.

I told him I felt the tone of his messages had clearly changed and that it would have been nice to actually speak, but in the absence of actual conversation, I wanted to take time out to re balance.  
I was thinking maybe a weekend apart.  But He jumped on this as his exit.

We'd hit fast forward, skipped the whole relationship part and went straight to the breakup.

Pollyanna suggested I reach out to him in case, given my history I had overreacted, but he wasn't having it. 

Pollyanna thought it would be nice to know why and to get some closure at least. But in my experience, closure in ended relationships can be very elusive and chasing it can often be as damaging as the breakup. 

Another thing I have leaned is that a lot of people out there have unresolved issues of their own and maybe it's a little egotistic to think that 'its all about me'.

So I was very sad for a few days. But it was so brief, I guess wasn't over invested. And the scary thing was, in that month of a blossoming new relationship, it was so easy for me to lose my equilibrium. 
So easy for me to want something/ someone, I didn't really need, enough to get the wobbles when it started to go off course.

Fortunately the girls didn't have a chance to become addicted to each others company either, although Lily said she though his daughter was her long lost twin. 

She had asked me two weeks in, having seen them twice if He was going to be a special friend. I told her 'lets just see.. its too early to tell.'

But Lily hasn't asked about them since. I think she understands without asking - wise little thing.

We are both in a different calmer place since she got her "Old Daddy" back. This Hiatus from dealing with Mr Hyde, has us both emotionally cruising and gaining more resilience.

But I remain unconvinced that there is a special friend out there for me and that's OK. 
More than ever, I feel its not something I need anymore. 

Raising and enjoying my little girl and rebooting my career takes up a lot of energy and head space. I'm not sure I have enough bandwidth to download anything else.

Unless of course I happen to meet a forty something cross between Chris Hemsworth and ..... 

OK Liam Hemsworth if you really want to know. <she grins>  

And even in that unlikely event, I wont be rushed again.

Baby Steps.

4 comments:

  1. Glad it was nice, until it wasn't.

    Although I am well aware of my lack of need in this area at this point there is something a bit seductive about the idea of mutually respectful companionship. Does this unicorn exist, so far I haven't found a model of one, and the one time I thought I just might have it turned out to be a totally mind bending domestic abuse situation. for that reason alone I am way beyond any confidence in my ability to judge a male's character at this point. On the plus side it so aint an issue at this point of life as the only male I speak to regularly would be the fruit and veggie guy :-)

    Best Wishes
    Belinda

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    Replies
    1. You're probably thinking I've flown the coop. Sorry to leave you hanging honey. It's been too long and I wish to God I had a little spare time to write more on his blog: it would probably do me the world of good.
      Anyway to your point - I don't blame you one bit. They are strange and unpredictable creatures men.
      Best admired from a safe distance. I have a strong feeling I don't physically have time to squeeze in a relationship: I've finally landed a job after all those knock backs.
      It literally is who you know.
      But anyway I'm two weeks in- it's a challenge professionally and of course personally because now I have zero down time. Everything I squeeze onto the agenda only gets completed at the expense of something else. Tonight I'm very tired and feeling lost and alone. I leap up from the laptop while the printer pumps out work documents to finish Lily's lunchbox and stack the dishwasher. Then back again. Tossing things into my work bag as I pass by.
      This is what it takes to be a financially independent single parent I guess.
      It's always lovely to hear from you but sad to know a little more of the nightmare you've been through.

      Take care lovely
      X

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  2. Wheew,

    End of semester over here so - I'm back :) and once my little boy decides to kick this bug to the curb (12 drs visits in 14 days + 1 emergency room visit) things will be less complicated. Summer holidays I can't wait to get my head stuck into just being rather than feeling like a strategic planner for the military.

    Congrats on the job. Hope things have settled well at work and you are finding enough space for things to feel hurried but not rushed. To an extent is what it takes to be a financially independent single parent, as there is no one to pass of the "little stuff" to it's just all yours to prioritise or not.

    Hope the good is outweighing the bad.
    Best Wishes
    Belinda

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  3. Oh my, Belinda - with December school madness, a sick child would have kicked me to the curb. I hope he's better now?

    Strategic planner for the military - I hear you on that. in this past week there were about 6 events on at school - three on Friday. Friday was D day at work followed by our Christmas party; an event I wanted to use to bond with the bosses so that they might make me permanent. I don't know where I'd ever get another well-paid job like this,where you can work from home if your kid is sick or on a half day (teachers industrial action one morning this week)or leave early for Child pickup..So yeah I need to keep this job.
    But in the taxi going very late, to our work Christmas lunch, I realise I'd forgotten to give Lily money for the mini-fete at school. I'd remembered the dozen other things she needed for the day but not that. I felt crappy. Apparently a friend loaned her some money, and her dad picked up the slack with her teacher's farewell tea-party, but we missed the school picnic as well.


    Its so good to hear from you and sage advice as usual on work/child raising balance. I am lucky for now that her dad is back to what he was like years ago; generous helpful and pulling his weight in Lily's life.
    well I'm going to blog today: yes I have a birthday party to organize and a garden & house to clean, but its time I addressed those questions and thoughts outside of my domestic chaos.
    x

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