Tuesday, December 19, 2017

Phantom pains

Small world 

I'm standing in the field
My feet lift off the ground
No one here will see me
No one will hurt me now
I'm brushing off the rain
While climbing through the clouds
Nobody can see me
No one can hurt me now
Goodbye, gravity
Goodbye, enemies
I'm going up to a place where the world is small
Where I can fly above it all
If I don't make it, sing my song
From here I'm weightless
No stars are famous
And the world is small.
It's been a while and things are better than ever. Lily's dad is in a very rational place and has been for a while. His psychiatrist is very happy.

Bit of a hiccup when he and his GF split last month, but the pressure of that relationship and her drive and determination to get the things she wanted from it, threatened our equilibrium not to mention Lily's future with her dad.
He made a good decision that was very hard and that speaks volumes about how far he's come down recovery road. He's rebuilding and I'm supporting him in every way I'm capable.

It was a difficult few weeks, a lot of hand holding and daily de-briefs, on the phone, often twice a day.  She was pretty brutal and that made me very angry. You'd think no other couple had gone through the "I thought I could give you what you want but turns out it feels like too much" scenario.

If she had any idea what we've been through with his illness, she might have thought twice about giving him such a thorough kicking, when his anxiety levels were already off the charts. She wouldn't have to deal with the aftermath if Mr Hyde returned.

Lily sometimes talks a little bit about that time when 'daddy was so angry and crazy'.  She's come a long way to trusting he's past that and they're OK now, I dont know if they would ever recover from a return journey to the dark side.

Anyway the other day He sent me this:
just wanted to say I cant thank you enough for your help yesterday and over the past few weeks. You've been extraordinary in empathy, understanding and kindness. You've been there in difficult times in a way that only you could be. I am so lucky to have you in my life, and Lily is too. Thank you for being who you are.

He's sent similar messages in recent months.
But before you go thinking there's a romantically happy ending to all this... No.

The only, but best, happy ending is his return to himself, his ability to make a tough and very painful decision, because it was the right one. And having the courage to leave his awful job and get a better one. All this in one month! Better still, Lily and I are getting the support we need at the pointy end of the year.

But I have baggage. I picked up Lily at his place tonight and we stayed for dinner, he was texting regularly with someone, not like he used to, but it still brought back horrible memories.

His also swings between outrage, at his ex's behaviour, emotional manipulation and character assassinations, then back to empathy and sentiment. That has an odd affect on me and I told him.

I said; rationally, I know it's not your fault, and you weren't in your right mind, but still your attachment to someone like that, you were only with for 18 months, when you trashed us after 14 happy years, and ran away without a backward glance  - well, rational or not, it stings. Still.

My morbid self tells me I should have been a ball-breaker and fought with him more often and harder. 

I guess its phantom pains, like those people feel after an amputation: a limb that's no longer there, but occasionally the brain still registers throbbing.

I mustn't expect too much of him.

He says he needs to be on his own for a while, because he's still a bit of a mess, (his words) and I feel happy at his courage and congratulate him.
He's never been alone, out of a relationship, for longer than three months in his entire dating life!

He's rebuilding he says, he needs to focus on his new job and on Lily... But I need to take that with a grain of salt dont I?
He's not me, he's not strong on his own. He's attracted to women who need rescuing because that ' makes him feel strong' and he looks outward rather than inward.
And even his recognition of that and telling me it has to change, it's like his smoking - its habit he just doesn't have the will power to stop.

And at the end of the day it's really none of my business.

And I have my own habit to break: to learn to support him still, for all our sakes, but less invested.

There are a lot of ANDs

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